


Shattered Reflections

by TigerMoonBETA



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, DO NOT TAG POSTS ABOUT THIS FIC AS LAPIDOT, F/F, Human AU, IF YOU POST ANYTHING ABOUT THIS FIC ON TUMBLR TAG IT AS SHATTERED REFLECTIONS, Recreational Drug Use, Sexual Content, Sexual Slavery, Violence, blood tw, drowning tw, drug AU, multi-chapter, please dont read this, some very dark themes, water tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-21
Updated: 2015-11-14
Packaged: 2018-04-05 11:46:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 34
Words: 57,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4178613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TigerMoonBETA/pseuds/TigerMoonBETA
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something of equal or greater value.<br/>Lapis is worth more to Peridot than anything.</p><p>http://www.thegayfuchsia.tumblr.com</p><p>this is triggering. dont read it if you cant.<br/>thank you for following me throughout this journey.</p><p>and do yourself a huge favor and dont read this- as of 4/29/16</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pay Up

**Author's Note:**

> like damn. 
> 
> alrightalrightalright #im problematic  
> 

"I told you to have the money by today!"

 

"I know I said we would b- but, we couldn't get it and-"

 

"Bullshit!" Peridot slams her fist down on the table and glares down at the others, cowering in their seats. The loud _thump_ manages to catch the attention of only a few people in the surrounding area. After all, casinos are already loud and extremely suspicious. So Peridot isn't too worried.  
"Look," she starts in a much softer, less aggressive tone of voice, once people have gone back to their own business. "You know how this industry works. You can't get away with not having the money by the deadline. I've been allowing these slip-ups for **_two months_ _now!_** If you were dealing with someone else, I dunno- Jasper,"  
The name instills fear and the color drains from the clients. And the way Peridot throws her name around isn't too reassuring, with passive hand gestures. "She would probably have slit your throat on the spot. Money is life here, you two know that. You aren't newbies. So, you don't have money. What do you have?"

 

The two exchange glances, and whisper back and forth for a good minute. They occasionally look at Peridot, to see if she is growing annoyed, but Peridot has learned to control her temper. Being hot-headed leads to rash decisions, and those often lead to death. After they seem to come to an agreement, the shorter one turns and clasps her hands together.

 

"We apologize for the lack of money, and won't bore you with an excuse. We won't ask for another deadline extension, as you have been so kind and done so twice already..."

Peridot raises an eyebrow, unimpressed.

"... Therefore, we propose... A trade of sorts."

"What've you got?"

"She's worth at least double the amount we owe. She's here somewhere and-"

"She?" Peridot looks at the two quizzically. "How can she be worth that many grams of m-?"

"Five foot six, female, blue eyes- her hair is dyed blue, though naturally it's brown-"  
  
"Can you tell me about her home life?"

"We're still doing background research on specific stuff like that. She's feisty and refuses to talk to us about it."

"Really?"

"Yeah..."

"And she's feisty? You know that's not good... we need ones who won't repent. Why is she so valuable?"

The two exchange another glance, the one who is doing most of the talking folds her arms.

"... Virgin?" Peridot asks skeptically.

"Mhm."

 

Looking around to assure that no one is eavsdropping, Peridot lowers her head. She's owned property before. But only once, and it didn't last very long. Luckily she's never been owned herself. Wondering how she got involved in any of this, the whole Underground, she nods slowly, looking at the two.

 

"Show me her. And maybe we can arrange some sort of deal."

 

* * *

 

 

They lead her into a back room, passing through sections of the casino that aren't very classy. It's dark though, so Peridot has no trouble stealing at least a few hundred dollars from the intoxicated guests. _That'll be tonight's high_. Tucking the money into the inside pocket of her jacket, she waits for a few passwords and failsafes to be exchanged, before a door opens in front of her.  
A few people peek in as she enters, but the door is quickly shut. And when she turns her attention to the center of the room, she could care less about the money.

Handcuffed to a pole stands a girl in a less than suitable amount of clothes, eyebrows furrowed, and crooked snarl. She looks almost animalistic. And she's perfect. The girl continues to bare her teeth, but takes a submissive step back when Peridot approaches her. The dealer grips her chin, moving her head back and forth, combing through her hair, pulling and prodding. And surprisingly she... she lets Peridot have her way. Begrudgingly turning her head, tilting her neck, as though she's used to being manhandled.  
  
It's when Peridot looks at her eyes does she make a connection. This girl is broken. What have they been doing to her? Blue eyes clouded with sadness and hurt, hidden by anger. Peridot's expression softens temporarily.  
In the obnoxious and loud thumping of music, and dim lighting, she gets an idea.

"Don't bite my fingers, okay?" She whispers to the blue haired girl. "I'll get you out of here."

 

The girl seems to believe it. At least for a second. But the hatred in her face doesn't diminish. Peridot taps on her mouth, pulling at her lips with her thumbs. "Open up."  
Reluctantly she does so, and a quick inspection is done. With unbitten hands, Peridot steps back and turns to the two who suggested the offer.

"I... don't know." She starts, looking doubtful. It's all an act though. Peridot had her heart set on the girl as soon as she walked in. The girl makes a sound of confusion- she thought she was going to finally be free! "You're missing an awful lot of information on her... How much cash do you have on you right now?"

The both fork up a selection of twenties and fifties. They were right. It's not at all the total of how much they owe. But if they knew how dangerous it was to not have the money, something must be happening with them financially. She feels a little bad. Only a little bit though. Taking a total of two hundred from their pocket stash, she hands the rest back and waves her hand dismissively.  
  
Peridot tucks the money into her pocket, having planned to stop by her supplier on the way home, but now might not be able to. The little amount that she keeps at home won't be enough to sustain a high, but might be just enough to get her dazed.

"In the future," she starts, crossing her arms. "I will ask you to refrain from purchasing substance from me if you cannot come up with the sum you owe. There are _other_ places to get it, I'm sure you're aware. Granted they aren't very reliable. However, when your little _trade_ here has earned for me the amount you owe, then you are permitted to buy from me again." Clearing her throat, Peridot hopes she got the message across. "That should cover it though. Ruby, Sapphire, you have a deal."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahbHhh !? thank you for reading this, i really, really do plan to and want to continue this. i have this whole plot for it, but i wont know if people enjoy it so i mean like,,, if youwanna help a broe out like comment or smth??? ahhhhHH


	2. Home Sweet Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woops !! lots of dialogue in this chapter hAAAHA

The girl does not resist.

She lets Peridot detach her from the pole, though the handcuffs are not removed, lead her out of the back room, and through a side exit. On the walk back to where Peridot lives, she says nothing. Silent the whole time. Does not once try to escape. Finding this especially odd, recalling the previous person that she had owned which was a very different case, Peridot dares not take her eyes off of the girl.

It's a rather informal introduction. When they arrive, she rifles through a dresser drawer, finding a large shirt that she tosses to the girl.

"Walking around in only that is degrading. Put this on for now." Once she does so, Peridot attaches the handcuffs to a post on her bed, not entirely trusting her to walk around.  
"My name is Peridot-"

"Are _all_ of your names some sort of gem?" It's the first thing she's said, and Ruby was right- it's loaded with sarcasm.

"Not in actuality. It's just to protect us, in case something were to happen. Speaking of which, you need a name."

"I have a name. It's-"

"Nope," Interrupting her, Peridot shakes her head. "I don't even want to know it. That isn't your name anymore. We'll pick a new name- a gem, if you will? Do you have a preference?"

"You... you can't be serious? This is absolutely insane. I won't-"

"Sorry sweetie, but you can't leave the Underground. You're involved, and it's too late."

"But I thought you were going to get me out of here?!"

"Out of _there_. As in, that awful casino. What even were they doing to you down there, looked like torture. I didn't mean get you out of this business. I simply meant into a better place here."

"Better? Your place looks like a dump-"

"Hey. It'd do you good to watch your mouth. People don't appreciate it. If I wanted to be harassed, I would have gone to Amethyst. You're lucky that you're with me, and not someone else."

Huffing, the girl sits without arguing.

"Good," muses the dealer, now opening and closing cabinets. "A name- yes? Why don't you pick?"

"... What are you looking for?"

"A _name_ ," Peridot repeats through clenched teeth.

"What's already taken?"

"Peridot, Jasper, Ruby, Sapphire, Amethyst, Garnet, Pearl, Emerald, Amber, Rose Quartz, Opal... A few others too, but most are unreserved. This particular branch is small, but renowned, and hard to get into. People up this high make lots of money."

"What... what about Lapis- like, Lapis Lazuli?"

Peridot hums, pursing her lips. "No, no one has that yet. But I like it. Suits your hair color." She pulls a small bag out of a compartment, tossing it onto a table, and turning back to the girl. "So Lapis..." Peridot reaches over, tugging at the shirt Lapis wears, pressing around very intruding way. "What size are you? Thirty B?" Lapis scoots back, flushing bright red in protest.

"Wh- hey! Hands off!"

"Answer the question," she says, retracting her hand.

"Th- thirty two B," Lapis stutters, trying to recover.

Humming, Peridot nods. "Good, we can go shopping sometime this week. And... I'll buy you other necessities too, like a cell phone, and clothing and toothbrush, and well... you get the gist. I'm not entirely sure how much money I have to spare currently, but I expect a large deal in a few days. So it shouldn't be a problem."

"You're... you're just going to buy me these things?"

"I... trust you will not try to escape. Innocent people end up in the Underground, but they often have unstable backgrounds. So, I assume you have no place else to go."

"Is... it that obvious?" Lapis frowns, an expression plastering on her face that resembles hurt.

"No. I've just been involved long enough to have this general information. Why? What's your story?"

"... Abusive family."

"Hm. Well I'm sorry to hear that and I'm sorry this is so impersonal. But you've gone through a lot of bad things, and you're certainly going to go through more. I'm just here to manage and make you comfortable," Peridot picks up a small piece of paper-? some kind of paper, and lays it flat on the same nearby table.

"What.. what are you going to do to me?"

" _I_ don't plan on doing anything to you," She opens the bag, dumping the small amount of contents onto the paper. "Though my plans may change, due to... other things. Nothing bad. I wouldn't hurt you. I will do my best to complete thorough background searches on the people you will do business with, to make sure they will treat you fairly."

"T- treat me... business... what... what do you mean?"

"Lapis- please. I know you aren't that naive-"

"N- no! I won't... Th- that's horrid!"

"Lapis Lazuli!" Peridot drops the bag, and a few of it's contents fall onto the floor. This irritates Peridot, and she rubs at her temples before resuming her sentence. "I _know_ that it's horrible. But guess what- people will pay for sex. People pay lots of money for drugs, and lots of money for sex. It's the terrible truth of the world."

"B- but I..."

"Here's the good thing. Girl like you- you're worth a lot. Twice a week? Is enough to pay my rent for a month. You won't have to go out often," Peridot assures this, while rolling the paper, and reaching a bit to grab a lighter. Lapis is about to argue, but it's now that the actions finally catch her attention.

"You're not going to get high on me, are you? You're... you're not a druggie, right?"

"No, _I'm_ not going to get high," She flicks the lighter on, setting the paper ablaze. "And, no. Only on the weekends." Holding the joint out to Lapis, Peridot hums.

"I- I'm not..."

"Yes you are. I already lit it, it's certainly not going to do anything for me, and the amount in here is worth at _least_ thirty dollars. Probably more. I'm not letting it go to waste."

"I don't... know how."

"Don't know how? Have you ever smoked a cigarette?"

"Once. It was horrible, and I coughed for ten minutes straight."

"I'll let you shotgun then. Open your mouth." Peridot waits for her to do so, before bringing the blunt to her mouth, inhaling, and leaning forward just a little. A bit confused, Lapis leans back, though not closing her mouth. Peridot blows the smoke into Lapis' system. She doesn't cough, but immediately exhales the fumes.

"No. C'mon. I'm not even doing it the correct way- I'm doing it the easy way."

Flushed red again, Lapis raises her eyebrows. "Easy way? What's the correct way?!"

"I'd show you. But you look like you haven't even had somebody hug you before." Peridot takes a hit, despite her claim that it would do nothing for her. "I dunno how you're going to survive in this business if you can't handle the slightest instance of lewd behavior."

"R- rude!"

"You ever been kissed?"

"Excuse me?"

"It's an easy question."

"Y- yeah."

"Alright. Open your mouth again. And do me a favor, and don't react absurdly to what I'm about to do."

She inhales the drug, not waiting for Lapis' response. Peridot leans over to her again, much closer than last time, feeling slightly annoyed. Though she wouldn't expect anything more. With an oddly straight face, Peridot uses her free hand to hold Lapis' head still, as she continues forward. Their mouths an inch or two apart- she exhales the smoke, resisting the urge to grin. She can practically feel Lapis' heart racing, her breath still.  
"Inhale this time, don't breath out," Peridot whispers.

The room is silent. Lapis inhales the smoke, shaking ever so slightly.

"Good job." Peridot pats the side of her face, chuckling. "Now you just have to do that..." Squinting at the joint, she estimates the size. "Maybe... thirty more times."

"Th- thirty?!"

"You _could_ do it yourself you know. Kinda like a cigarette. Though it's not as great for your lungs."

"Y... you can do it for me."

"I can respect that."

"Wh- why are we doing this again?"

Peridot sighs. "Being high often helps me mute the bad feelings and bring out the good things you feel. If you get used to having a small high for almost a constant period of time, things will be a lot easier for you. Especially when you have to do things that you don't want to. Figured it might help you, but I won't entice a high from you often."

"It... it's not going to be a financial issue for you, is it?"

"Nah. Keep your mouth open."


	3. Not While She's Eating

Ten minutes later, and she's already acting a bit dazed.

It wouldn't have been noticed by most others, but Peridot knows the signs of someone who's on the verge of a high. Sitting there, Lapis stops complaining halfway through, and accepts the drug with as much ease as she can. It's impressively contradicting. It usually takes longer, at least, it's reggie, not the other stuff and for most, it takes longer. It's taken Lapis half that. Although, most others would be hacking their lungs out, eyes watering, and Peridot always finds this to be a hilarious scene. Lapis isn't like that though. She just sits contently, gone quiet, and finds things around the room to stare at. Sometimes, Peridot catches her staring into empty space, and it sends the girl into a small fit of laughtere.

"Lapis."

Her reaction is slow, and it takes her a good twenty seconds to turn her head and focus her eyes on the person in front of her.

"Lapis," Peridot repeats again.

"Wh... yeah?"

"How do you feel?" Blowing the smoke out, it's blatantly obvious when Lapis closes her eyes and relishes in the shallow vapor, allowing herself another giggle, that she's no longer fighting it at least.

"It's good... good."

"Good," she muses. Their conversation is put on hold, as Peridot busies herself with finishing what's left of the drug, Lapis growing more dazed with each breath in. When the ashes threaten to singe her fingers, Peridot bends over and snuffs out the light, disposing of the paper.

"All gone. Good job."

"No more?" Lapis tilts her head with half-lidded eyes, and yawns.

"Nope. And you look like you need sleep. When was the last time you slept?"

She blinks slowly, humming a long, drawn out note. "Few days ago."

Peridot stands up off of the bed, and uncuffs Lapis from the headrest. Pulling a sheet off of the post, she drapes it over the smaller girl's legs and crosses her arms. "Need anything else?"

"Food. 'M hungry." Ah yes. A common side effect.

"Right, right..." Trailing off, she heads into the kitchen area- or at least the place designated for food and the like. Saved for the times when she herself gets high and stuck with a particularly fickle case of 'the munchies' as it's known, Peridot snags a bag of Doritos from the stash, fills a cup with water, and returns to Lapis. "Knock yourself out."

"Where are y' gonna sleep?" She inquires, ripping the bag of chips open with her teeth.

"I don't sleep," is all Peridot offers in response, sitting down at what appears to be her workspace. A simple swivel chair, and desk, though the computer that sits on top is oddly high-quality for someone who doesn't stock their pantry.

"Ever?"

"Sometimes. But I figure you'll sleep more often than me, so I'll just sleep on the couch."

Lapis furrows her brows in concern, but says nothing. Only makes a sound of uncertainty while munching on the chips at an alarmingly fast pace.

"Why?" Peridot hums, booting up the laptop. "Does that bother you?"

"I mean... it's your home. 'M just a slave." Her words are slurred, but Peridot is able to understand.

"I'm kind enough. Would you rather I make you sleep on the floor?"

"N- no. I just feel bad."

Without missing a beat, Peridot shrugs nonchalantly. "Then would you rather I sleep in the bed with you?" She doesn't need to turn around to guess the expression on Lapis' face. Especially not when she hears the girl cough as though she was choking on food. But she never receives an answer.  
Peridot spins around in her chair to face the other, smirking ever so slightly.  
"Does that mean yes?"

Holding the cup of water with both hands, even though it's empty, Lapis stutters, not looking Peridot in the eye. "N... I j- just, what I meant w-"

Standing up, Peridot walks over to the bed and ruffles Lapis' hair. "You're cute. Now get some sleep."

 

* * *

 

 Nights are oddly serene. There aren't gunshots and yelling and the sense of 'I need to run', as one might expect. On the contrary. And as the sun slips under the horizon, things change quickly. An occasional car passing by, sounds of tires rolling on the asphalt. Crickets, strangely enough. It's the city, but the insects don't abandon their job because of the highrises and exhaust fumes. Once bustling streets and sidewalks, less occupied. The ceiling fan over the bed spins, with a rhythmic _clink_ , the metal chain tapping against the motor. It's the perfect ambiance for sleep, really. And it almost makes Peridot wish she could lie down in bed and close her eyes and drift off. But Lapis seems so peaceful. And Peridot has work to do.

The perpetual _click_ of the mouse adds to the calming atmosphere- while some could find it to be rather annoying. But it's become a constant in Peridot's nightly routine, a comfort. After a time, the glow of the LCD begins to burn, and her eyes water. That's when she knows she's spent too much time on the computer. She clicks the 'shut down' button and pushes herself away from her desk, leaning back on the chair and rubbing her eyes. What time is it anyway? The fading clock on the computer indicates it's 3:06 AM. Normally, this is when Peridot would get high. Drunk, if she had a bad day. It's the unspoken agreement between everyone, not to bother each other from three to four in the morning. But she hasn't got any spare laying around, except for what she is selling. And she wouldn't dare smoke it, no matter how badly she felt the urge to.

Yawning, Peridot shuffles her way over to the bed, and handcuffs Lapis to the headrest again. She stirs, and frowns in her sleep when she finds that her hand won't move as freely as it had before. But Peridot can't have her waking up and running out. She'll earn the privilege of freedom at a later time.

Speaking of which, Lapis is going to be a project. Sitting down on a bedside chair, Peridot screws her lips to the side and taps the side of her face: thinking. Deep in thought. Knowing all too well that what people will pay to... to _violate_ a virgin is a lot. The payoff is hefty. But, the more she thinks about it, the more she realizes she won't be able to bring herself to do that to Lapis. Rent her out to someone during the night, ruining a large part of her innocence. And Peridot doesn't think anyone should have that much power to wield, even herself. But what else is she to do? Have a talk with this girl about it? Peridot groans and holds her head in her hands. Despite her stoic, logical demeanor, Peridot is truthfully easily flustered, and horrible at actually talking about these things in depth, and in such a personal way. But what else is she to do?

 

* * *

 

 

Lapis doesn't wake up until 8:22 AM. Peridot knows, because she counts each minute that she sits in the chair, and doesn't get up. Admittedly, she does fall asleep twice. But each nap only lasting no more than ten minutes. So when Lapis awakes, opening her eyes, it's perfectly reasonable that she is shot up into a sitting position, not recognizing where she is. At least, not until she sees Peridot. She tugs at her cuffed hand, but doesn't say anything, yawning and blinking a few times before initiating conversation.

"Were... you sitting there the whole time I slept?"

"No, for about five hours. But I fell asleep twice too."

"That's... kind of creepy."

"I wasn't watching you," Periot shrugs and rolls her eyes. "Occupied myself with future planning and business transactions."

"I... I don't remember what happened."

"Like... your entire life?" She raises an eyebrow.

"No, no. Just last night."

"There I can fill you in: You were given to me, I took you home, I gave you a shirt to wear, we had a conversation about shopping-"

"-You groped me," Lapis interrupts.

"-And then I blew vapor into your mouth until you got amusingly high," Peridot concludes with a smirk.

"Y- you got me high? I actually let you do that?"

"Relax, least I didn't get you pregnant," Peridot stands up, walking over to a pantry, and opens it to check if there is any appetizing food.

"We... didn't do anything distasteful, did we?"

"Not at all, except getting high."

"Did I try to kiss you?"

"No. What on Earth would lead you to assume that would happen?"

"You were like, an inch away from my mouth! How am I suppose to know why type of high I am?!"

"You're aware of the different types?" Poptarts. That's suitable enough. Peridot returns to the beside, tossing a pack of food onto the sheets. Lapis picks it up and struggles to open it, resorting to using her teeth.

"I know that they're a thing. Like, when someone's drunk right? Flirty, angry, sad, clingy- what was I?" She asks, inbetween chewing.

"You were totally spaced out and had goo~goo eyes and were hungry and slow and- no surprise- were easily flustered."

Lapis merely rolls her eyes and continues to eat the Poptart. Peridot takes a bite of the pastry, not realizing how hungry she had been. After successfully chewing and swallowing, she does not look at Lapis, but directs a question at her.

"So, tell me: exactly _how_ gay are you?"

Lapis coughs, nearly choking, which sends Peridot into a fit of laughter.

"Can you maybe- _not_ do that while I'm eating?!" Lapis hisses over the sound of Peridot's childish giggling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you tell im better at describing things than i am at writing actions and dialogue??


	4. Rule One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhHHH??? why do so many people like this im screaming thank you guys ahhhH

In the few days that follow, the routine is similar. Wake up, eat whatever can be found (and if it can't, go to the store), make idle conversation, work, and go to sleep. But they don't smoke. She's out of substance, and hasn't the time to go out and get more. Although, Peridot does not mind routine. She prefers consistency. It's one factor in her life that she can count on to go as planned, making it the safest route possible. Because when many things can go wrong, and they can lead to ones death, it's easiest to go with what one knows. 

But by the third day, Lapis grows a bit antsy. All she's had were bathroom breaks, and those only lasted a few minutes. She can't handle sitting still for much longer. Tugging at her chained hand subconsciously, the persistent rattling sound has Peridot's eye twitching. She spins around in her computer chair, leans her head back, and lets out a long, irritated sigh.

"Lapis."

The rattling stops, and the blue haired girl looks up, now tapping her foot in erratic patterns, to replace the hand. "Yes?"

"Are you alright?"

"Yes of course. Why wouldn't I be?" A grin is obviously forced onto her face, and Peridot notices the fingers on her free hand are jittery as well.

"You are a terrible liar. And you don't have to lie to me. I'm not going to treat you inhumanely for voicing your opinions and thoughts."

Lapis deflates, and she looks down to her chained hand. "Well, I'm pretty restless. I understand you not trusting me to walk around, but I haven't been this still since I was in the hospital and it's starting to bother me."

"You've been hospitalized?" Peridot raises an eyebrow, standing up out of her chair and moving to sit on the foot of the bed.

"Well... Three times, but yes."

"Would you care to share? It will be beneficial to me if there are any health issues you posses. I need to document them." She picks up a pen, tapping on a sheet of paper.

Humming, Lapis doesn't seem to want to share. But her resolve crumbles quickly, as she would rather talk about something than nothing. "Once was I was little for pneumonia. I really like to swim and I'm not too bright, so I swam in the cold and rain and snow and my family let me. But the other two times were for other things."

Swimming. Peridot makes a mental note of this, as it could easily be used as a type of reward. Not that there are punishments. And not that Peridot likes using that type of system. And not that Peridot owns a pool anyway. But she's sure that she knows someone who does. "And the other two times were for what?"

"I was hospitalized for various mental issues," she deadpans, the rattling of the handcuffs beginning again as her hand shakes. "PTSD mostly. Had some hallucinations and voices too. They didn't last very long but came and went whenever they pleased. But the doctors didn't trust me on my own so they watched me for a little bit and when they determined I was okay to go they just let me go."

 _Some awful doctors._ "No follow up appointments were made?"

"Nah. They weren't too concerned, so I guess I'm not either."

"Do you... still have these? Voices and hallucinations, or relapses?" Clicking the pen against the side of her leg, Peridot wants to know these things not just because it will effect how much people are willing to pay. But because she in genuinely concerned about Lapis' health.

"On occasion, mhm."

"Have you... had any while you were here? In the last few days?"

"The first night. A hallucination I think. But it might have been triggered by whatever you gave me, yeah?"

Peridot nods, glancing around the room. "Would it be in your best interest that I kept my substances away from you unless the situation was dire?"

"It would be appreciated. I didn't mind the feeling, it's just not something I'd prefer to do often."

Leaning over, she uncuffs Lapis, and the girl immediately pulls her hand closer to her chest, rubbing at the indentations in her skin. "Sorry about that. But yes, I won't smoke around you. You're welcome to ask if you feel the need though. And I can go get some medication for you soon if you'd like. It won't be anything prescription, because that'll require more detailed, personal information and background research, so we'll save it for later. But I've got a friend who might have something that could help."

"I would appreciate that. Can... can I get up and walk around?"

"Uh... Would you mind staying within my field of vision?"

"Not at all."

Peridot makes a note to get more information on the topic sometime. Knowing how serious things such as it can be, she wants to treat it properly. Lapis swings her legs over the side of the bed, stretching her arms before getting up. When she does, Peridot stands too, prepared to reach out and help her up so she doesn't fall. The girl doesn't need help though. Her legs are a bit wobbly at first, but it doesn't take her too long to get used to the feeling. Lapis explores the room, keeping her promise, and stopping at an open junk drawer which she rummages through.   
"How addicted to drugs are you?"

"Excuse me?" Peridot sits down at her computer, frowning a bit at the question.

"I've just been wondering why you haven't been smoking anything is all. Not entirely sure how addiction is, but if it was pretty serious, wouldn't you have to be smoking like, every day or something?"

"Some cases can get to be like that, yes. But I'm not _that_ hooked. Besides, I haven't had the chance to go out and buy any. What I gave you the first night was all I had on me."

Lapis hums, squinting at the useless pile of miscellaneous items. "Are you... still not too comfortable with leaving me alone?"

"Not entirely," Peridot mutters, running a hand through her hair. "And not especially if you're going to be walking around openly, so I'll mostly go out when you're asleep. I don't think I'll be bringing you near my suppliers any time soon. They're less than modest." At this, a faintly visible shiver shoots down Lapis' spine. No, she wouldn't prefer to meet anyone like that.

"When are we going shopping?"

"Well, earliest I can splurge is tomorrow afternoon. Though as you know, I'm less than ecstatic to be letting you roam freely in a public place, as horrid as that sounds. It'd be easy to disappear, more so in places like malls and department stores."

"Would you consider buying from online places?"

"Consider, yes. It's a bit trickier because I can't have mail sent here, and if they notice I'm spending oddly large amounts of money, the government might get a bit suspicious, as I've never had any form of mail delivered to my address. So I'd have to find someone else who would be willing to have it delivered to where I could pick it up. And I'd probably have to do separate payments. Those issues are more minor than they seem. Why?"

"I'd been eying up quite a few online shops, but the opportunity to buy things was rare for me. Just figured I'd ask but don't worry. I won't spend all of your money."

"I'll consider it. You can show me the websites later."

Lapis nods, and having satisfied her need to explore, she returns to sitting cross-legged on top of the bed. "Why? Are we doing something now?"

"I think... I'd like to take you outside, just to go over procedure. Rules and stuff for when we're out in public. That way you have an idea tomorrow, and can focus on looking for the things you want."

"That's fine. But first, what of yours can I wear. Because there is no way I am going any longer without showering, especially not if we're going out in public."

"I'll give you something. You know where the bathroom is, yes? What's mine is yours."

Lapis hums in conformation, and hurries off, eager to feel cleaner. It's understandable. And now that she thinks about it, Peridot should probably be showering too. She'd never been too great at taking care of herself. Maybe it's a good thing she has someone else to take after.  
Peridot doesn't know what her sense of style is. Peridot was never too concerned with how she, herself appeared. But she's got a feeling Lapis is more vain and materialistic. It's a rough accusation. Pulling a shirt that she's sure she hasn't worn in the longest time, if ever, she's positive it'll fit Lapis instead. And one of her _many_ pairs of black jeans, along with a belt, because honestly, _why_ is Lapis so much smaller than her? Peridot gathers the rest of what she'll need, and tosses it into the bathroom once she hears the water start. It only takes her a few minutes to shower, and as Peridot walks by the bathroom door on the way to her kitchen, she hears Lapis mumbling to herself.

"God I'm wearing someone else's clothing. Don't think too much about it.... God this is super gay isn't it..."

"Yeah it is," Peridot calls, stopping at the door. "But we've been over how incredibly gay you are already."

" **Peridot-!** "

This inspires another fit of laughter as Peridot continues into the kitchen.

* * *

 

Lapis steps out of the bathroom, looking only slightly pissed off. She throws the pile of dirty clothes onto the floor by the doorway, and points at it, waiting for Peridot to turn around. "I'm done. And these are dirty."

Peridot peers over her shoulder to make a sly remark, but stops. Lapis looks good. Right, right. Lapis is cute. But Lapis looks good, _specifically_ in Peridot's clothes.

_Oh my god that was really gay._

"Earth to Peridot-?"

"Wh- right, right. Here." She hands a protein bar to the other. "We need to agree on rules first." Lapis takes the food, and opens the packaging.

"Okay. What... what might they consist of?"

"Well," Peridot snatches another protein bar off of the counter, and heads into the main room, gesturing for Lapis to follow. She opens the bar, and holds it in her mouth, picking up a notepad and a pen.

 _1- Stay in my field of vision._ She scribbles this down and shows it to Lapis, who nods.

 _2- If you see someone who you know, have any relation to, or had been acquainted with prior to this situation, tell me immediately._ Lapis swallows a bit of food, and clears her throat. "So like, even if it's... like.... my friend's, neighbor's, dad?"

"If they will recognize you, and jeopardize what I have, then yes."

The process continues on for several minutes, with only minor objections from Lapis, as she is not too keen on getting Peridot angry.

_1- Stay in my field of vision._

_2- If you see someone who you know, have any relation to, or had been acquainted with prior to this situation, tell me immediately._

_3- Don't talk to someone unless I permit it._

_4- We stay out for a maximum of four hours._ (Previously three, but it's a rule Lapis gets her way with.)

 _5- All items will be run by me, and I must approve of them before we buy them._ (A bit of complaining with this one, but Lapis does well and shuts her mouth.)

_6- If I tell you to do something, even if it seems odd, just trust me, and do it._

"Things on this list will be edited, added, and maybe even taken away. But for now this is fine, I think," Peridot reaches into the inner pocket of her jacket, double checking to make sure her money is, in fact, still there. "Does this sound agreeable?"

"Yup."

"Great," Peridot stands up, and tucks the paper into her pocket as well. "Let's go."


	5. Did You Forget

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay !! ahh,,,, i... really didnt think many people would be reading this bbut omg i have been pleasantly surprised
> 
> a bit of WARNING for this chapter. it gets kinda dark, as following the theme. peridot goes off on a tangent, there are feels.

The trip is rather uneventful. Figuring there are quite a few risks taking Lapis into a heavily populated, and busy store, Peridot decides to head to a more local shop. Not only is it closer, but there is less of a chance that someone will be there who might recognize the blue haired girl. Speaking of the hair, Peridot also makes a mental note to see how she feels about dyeing it a different color to, again, deter any possible connections.

"So Lapis..." The store is only a few city blocks away, and Peridot doesn't have a car. So as the sidewalks become more packed with people, she latches her arm with Lapis' to avoid being separated. The noise level is ideal too. The person directly next to will be able to hear, but others are walking too fast and can't be bothered listen in on a conversation. "Where are you from? Where did you live before this?"

She shrugs, seeming only slightly uncomfortable with the arm intertwined with her own. "Connecticut. Specifically New Milford."

"Is... that anywhere near the state border?"

"Oh, yes. Right next to it, actually."

"More north or south?"

"North."

_I guess that's what made it easier to smuggle her into New York..._   _And I highly doubt there will be someone who recognizes her so far away from home._ "You can tell me more about it later if you want. But we're going to this store up here so I would prefer to put this conversation on a pause until we're somewhere people can't hear."As they cross the final street, Peridot unhooks herself from Lapis' arm and heads up to the door. She remembers her manners, and holds it open for Lapis, then promptly follows her inside.

The early spring chill is forgotten as they enter the warm of the store. With a considerable number of other shoppers, Peridot is keen on watching the other. But quickly abandons that thought as she snags a basket from the stack, and begins filling it up with junk food. Energy drinks, protein bars, beef jerky, soda, and all means of sugary snacks that will surely cause cavities. Lapis gives the food a foul stare, screwing up her face and sticking her tongue out.

"You can't possibly be planning to only buy that crap. It'll kill you faster than all that weed you smoke," she whispers, elbowing Peridot.

"Right well," Peridot responds, with a _tsk._ She frowns, already a bit agitated. "Last I checked I was in charge of my own life. I don't need you to tell me how to eat."

Lapis is put off by her sudden mood change, and backs down. But not after trying one more time.  
"C'mon. I know _I'm_ not eating that. Let me switch out a few things."

Sighing irritably through her nose, Peridot places a hand on the side of her face. "You'll eat what I _tell_ you to eat..." She glances down at the basket, and all it's unhealthy, processed goods. "Fine. What do you suggest I buy?"

Reaching into the basket, Lapis takes a pack of Tastykakes, the bottle of Mountain Dew, all forms of candy, and places them back onto the shelf.

" _Not_ these."

* * *

 

She gets her way. She's been doing that more times than Peridot would like to admit. Lapis gets her way with something that she shouldn't.

They leave the store, Lapis practically beaming with her little victory. Peridot doesn't see why she's so excited. But she somehow managed to be persuaded into buying fruit, and bread, and milk. The things they teach you about in sixth grade health class, with the food pyramid.

"You've got me wrapped around your finger... huh." Peridot mutters on the walk back, hooking their arms together again. Lapis hears, and chooses not to make any remark, but does smile a little bit wider. Grinning the entire duration of the walk, the joy of being able to leave Peridot's space is almost forgotten. However, a sense of dread fills the blue haired girl as they approach the threshold of her home. Right. She has to go back inside now, into a cooped up place Lapis doesn't know what to call. It isn't _her_ home. It's Peridot's home.

"Here." Peridot mumbles, handing Lapis the bag of groceries. She opens the door and holds it, just as she did at the store, letting Lapis walk in first. "And you're putting all of that away too." Peridot adds, entering and closing the door. "You got to pick, so you put it away."

Lapis shrugs. "Fair enough." As Peridot plops down into her computer chair, Lapis hums, emptying the bags' contents. She puts them into cabinets and the fridge, smiling proudly at her work. It wasn't actually that much work. She's just proud that she was able to get Peridot to budge on something.

"I hope you don't expect to get away with things like that again. I'd hate to remind you, but remember the situation you're in," Peridot calls from the other room.

Lapis deflates. She _had_ almost forgotten. "I know. But why are you letting me do these things now, but you won't later? Why bother buying me all these nice things now and treating me like... like I'm royalty or some shit?" Going back into where the bed, and Peridot's work space is, Lapis can't help but let a few sly questions slip.

"Because." Peridot starts, monotonously. "You're going to hate me later."

She falters. "Bu- wh... what? Why?"

"You'll... you'll find out."

Lapis sits on the bed. "No. I... I want to know now."

Spinning around in her chair, Lapis expects Peridot to be angry. Furious, with her, really. But she's not. Not at all. She looks... pained. "Lapis. You will be rented out to other people. And you can't do anything but sit there, and take it. And you're going to hate every living, breathing second of your existence, because it's going to _suck._ It's going to become a part of you- it will likely consume you. It will define who you are. There won't be a minute where you _don't_ think about it."

Peridot frowns, getting up, and moving over to the bed where Lapis sits. She sits down too, continuing her explanation.  
"Each night will scar you, bring out the worst of you. You'll probably be begging me to get high or drunk so that you can forget- it's going to suck because there won't be anything you can do. And knowing you, that's going to make you angry. And you're going to hate me, because I'm the one who will be responsible. And i-"

"Peridot _stop_ _!_ " Tears had been collecting in her eyes, her voice shaky. "Peridot stop. You're scaring me." Lapis repeats again, much quieter this time. Peridot stops, watching with an unreadable stare.  
"I..." Lapis says, after a long pause. "I don't want this... I- I don't- I can't."

"You don't have a choice."

"Yes I do!" Screaming, the tears fall silently on the bed as Lapis clenches her fists. "I could get up and leave _right now!_ I could-"

"But you won't" She replies, unflinching. "You have no where to go. No money. Someone else would steal you away."

"Bullshit! I'd rather starve to death than be traumatized by that!" Lapis stands up, getting ready to turn and walk out. Peridot stands up immediately too, pulling both of them down onto the bed. Somehow, Peridot manages to get on top, distracting Lapis with one hand and snatching the handcuffs off of the dresser with the other. Lapis kicks and screams, thrashing around, trying to throw Peridot off. And even though she's more athletic than Peridot, Peridot has been in quite a few fights. She knows more. After chaining Lapis back onto the headrest, Peridot gets up, a bit shaken. They both are.

Lapis inhales, ready to scream again, but her mouth is covered.

"Quiet, okay?!"

Lapis licks her hand.

Peridot shivers. "Okay. That was gross and unsanitary." _So is having sex with strangers for money._

Sighing, she waits until Lapis calms down. The longer she waits, the more distraught Lapis seems to grow. Eventually, the tears are there again.

"Oh no no no no please don't cry." Peridot removes her hand, allowing Lapis to sit up. But it's too late. She begins to cry, ugly sobs and sniffling included. Sitting down on the bed, Peridot panics. _Fuck, fuck, she's crying. I don't know how to deal with crying. Fuck-!_

Lapis reaches up and tries to wipe away the tears that are obstructing her vision. It's a bit difficult though, with one hand. With the girl acting so pitiful, Peridot can't help but feel guilty. She leans over and moves the hair out of Lapis' face, it no longer sticking to her cheeks because of the tears. A bit angry, but too upset to resist, Lapis allows this, still sniffling.

"I'm sorry," Peridot whispers. Getting up, she retrieves a box of tissues from the bathroom, and pulls a few out, bringing them to Lapis.

"No you're not." She finally says, after struggling to blow her nose.

"Yes, I am. I know none of this is morally right."

"And you do it anyway."

Peridot sighs. "... Yeah." She receives a disappointing look. "But... maybe one day you won't have to. One day I won't be living off of each deal, one week at a time."

"Get a job."

"Doing what?"

"I dunno. You're smart. Do something with computers."

She looks over her shoulder at the laptop which sits atop her desk, and turns back to Lapis. "Maybe."

Lapis nods, seeming to take the 'maybe' as an answer. It does suffice. "I still feel like crying."

"Then cry." Peridot offers.

"Can you uncuff me?"

Peridot is about to deny, but can't when she sees the tears welling up in Lapis' eyes again. "O- okay." And she does so. "Do you want me to go someplace else so you can cry in priva-" Before her sentence is finished, Lapis leans forward and wraps her arms around Peridot's torso, mumbling a "no", as she begins to wail again.

Of course, Peridot does not know how to deal with this. Is... is she suppose to hug the other too? How is one suppose to provide comfort?! As Lapis begins to hiccup from crying so hard, Peridot places her hand on the smaller girl's back, and rubs in small circles. That... that's soothing- right? It appears to be working, because after a minute, the hiccuping stops, but she can still feel tears dampening her shirt. And she is acting all on instinct now.

Lapis' arms are detached, and she is gently pulled into Peridot's lap. A chin now resting on her shoulder, arms now wrapped around her again, Peridot runs her finger's through Lapis' hair with one hand, the other rubbing her back.

They stay that way for a while. Lapis crying, though it becomes less and less as time passes. Peridot holding her. Neither speaking, really. Peridot does consider talking, though she only ends up saying one thing. One might assume it'd be some reassuring words, as the standard goes, but. It wouldn't be reassuring, it would just be a lie. She can't say "I'm sorry". She can't say "It's going to be okay." She can't promise those things, because they're not entirely true.

So she just says "I've got you. I'm here for you." Because those things are.

Peridot eventually stops moving her fingers through Lapis' hair. She eventually stops rubbing her back. She eventually stops mumbling the comforting words into Lapis' ear. But she doesn't stop holding her. Not even as Lapis stops crying, not even as Lapis yawns. The embrace is mutually desired.

As Lapis' grip slackens on her, Peridot realizes she has fallen asleep. Leaning forward, trying to lie the sleeping girl down, the arms around Peridot's torso won't release. They... they won't let her go. And she doesn't have the heart to wake Lapis up.

"Fuck."


	6. Sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lapis gets a bit sassy  
> and they both get pretty g a y

Lapis ends up sleeping for a while. Peridot guesses all the fighting and crying had worn her out. Which is partially true. But somehow, Lapis is more comfortable sleeping in Peridot's embrace, than sleeping on the bed by herself. Whether this is a subconscious realization, or a conscious one,  _you_ may never know. Either way, it is never admitted out loud.

Peridot sighs, admitting her defeat. She isn't going to be moving for a while. Not until the other girl wakes up, anyway. She is wrapped, pathetically around Lapis' finger, and sees no means of escape. She sees no reason to escape. At first, Peridot tries to pry the arms off of her midsection as gently as possible, but each attempt is futile, and she won't risk using any more force. Not going to risk waking Lapis up. Peridot tries all sorts of things to get Lapis to release her death grip. But to no avail. So solemnly, she accepts her fate.  
Smiling sadly at Lapis, it's hard _not_ to become attached. Even with her tear stained cheeks, and runny nose, and faint snoring. Peridot is utterly struck. A goner.

 _No, this is bad. Bad, bad, bad news_ , she scolds herself. _You can't let her grow on you- fuck! It's too late, isn't it? No, no. Remember Peridot, bad things happen to those who care. Bad things and only bad things._ Right. Right.

_Right. Let's just pretend you aren't hopelessly in love._

"I'm not..." She mumbles despairingly, looking down at Lapis.

_Not yet._

"Yet..."

* * *

 

 

The entire time Lapis sleeps, Peridot tries to convince herself of two things.

1- _I'm not becoming attached to Lapis Lazuli._

2- _I won't become attached to Lapis Lazuli._

As the one who dictates this story, I can tell you one thing. Just between you and me, neither of these are true.

* * *

 

 

 _How long has it been?_   Squinting at the alarm clock which sits on her dresser, Peridot estimates it's been an hour and a half. It's been an hour and fifty minutes, if we're being exact. Her legs are asleep, and she concludes that Lapis has slept for long enough. Even though she does not want to wake Lapis up, Peridot decides to do so in a pleasant way.

"L- Lapis? It's time to get up."

Nothing.

"Lapis c'mon," Peridot whispers, trying to control the shaking in her hands. "There's plenty of time for sleeping at night. But it's the middle of the afternoon." She stirs, mumbling something, and tightening her grip on Peridot.  
"Lapis." She says, dragging out the 'a'.

"Ngh..."

"Yup. Just like that. Rise and shine."

" _Nooooo_..." Lapis mutters, lips pulling into a frown.

"Yessssss." Peridot mocks, smiling.

Not responding, the room goes silent again. _Did she fall back asleep_ _?_

"... Lapis?"

The girl sits up, opening her eyes, with a grouchy expression. "What."

Peridot's eyes widen, deterred by the hostile attitude.

Her expression softens as she lets go of Peridot, yawning loudly. "Not a morning person."

"It's... not morning."

This causes her to receive another nasty glare. "I don't like being woken up."

"N- noted."

Lapis shrugs indifferently, and flops back onto the bed, closing her eyes again.

"You're... not going to sleep again, are you?" Peridot questions, raising an eyebrow.

"Hell yeah I am. I'm tired."

"Like hell you are. You just slept on me for two hours."

"I'll sleep on you for five more."

Peridot flushes, a mix of angry and bothered. "Fine." She says eventually. Shifting to stand up, she rolls her eyes. _Fuck, of course. Lapis is getting anyway with yet another thing._ And she's so caught up in pouting mentally, that she's completely caught off guard when Lapis reaches up, and pulls Peridot down onto the bed. Peridot hits the mattress with an ' _oof'_ , and once she registers what had happened, she sits up.

" _What are you d-_ "

"Relax oh my _god._ When was the last time you actually slept?" Lapis groans, still holding onto Peridot's arm.

"Five days ago..." Peridot mumbles.

"What was that? I didn't hear you."

"Five days ago," She repeats sourly.

"Exactly. So shut up." Lapis drags her down again, not even opening her eyes.

"B- but there's a couch right over there I could sleep on." Peridot stutters, moving backward.

Opening her eyes, and rolling them, Lapis sighs, and pulls Peridot closer. "Oh my god you're like, blushing bright red."

"This is highly inappropriate." Peridot whispers, avoiding eye contact.

" _You look like you haven't even had somebody hug you before_ ," Lapis teases, repeating Peridot's own words.

"Please no."

Lapis laughs. And as her smile gets bigger, and her eyes scrunch up, the only thing Peridot can think is _I'm so fucked_.

"So, tell me: exactly _how_ gay are you?"

Peridot groans, tugging at her own hair. "This is so unfair." _Why am I letting Lapis get away with so many things, fuck._ "Lapis, you can sleep all day if I care, but please- I have things to do."

"Oh, okay. Sitting on your computer playing Goat Simulator."

"I _actually_ have to meet a few clients tonight."

"When?"

"T- two in the morning..."

"That's nearly twelve hours away. You have plenty of time to rest."

"Th- this is still very inappropriate."

"Bullshit. You're comfortable and I'm tired."

She's got no choice, does she? Sighing, Peridot wraps an arm around Lapis, and pulls her closer. Satisfied with this, and a bit surprised, Lapis closes her eyes and with a shit-eating grin, fucking, _cuddles_ Peridot.  
_Oh my god oh my god oh my god._ And to Peridot's horror, the other girl drapes an arm over her, and shifts closer, face nuzzling into the crook of her neck. Each exhale has Peridot shivering, sending chills down her spine, face redder than before.

"L- let's agree... n... not to talk about this." Peridot whimpers, closing her eyes.

"What? Why?"

Swallowing a knot in her throat, all of her limbs have turned to jelly. "Because you're going to resent this in the future."

"No I won't."

"Yes you will. You'll hate m-"

"I don't know where you keep getting this idea that I'm going to hate you. I'm not."

"You don't know that," Peridot insists.

"Yes, I do."

"... Can we talk about this later?"

"Do we have to?"

"Y- yeah."

"Then yeah. But after you sleep."

And so they do.

* * *

 

Unsurprisingly, Peridot sleeps for ten hours. she would have slept for more, but Lapis, who had woken first, wakes her up, remembering she has to meet someone in an hour. For this, Peridot is grateful.

She gets up, while Lapis stays in bed, and puts on a different set of clothes. Now that it's night, it's colder, and her daytime attire won't suffice. Changing in the open, forgetting Lapis is there, Peridot double checks the four orders, and their totals, and heads into a back section of her apartment. Collecting the proper amount of substance, she then walks back into the main room and stuffs it in the inside pocket of her jacket.

"What happens if the cops stop you?" Lapis asks, propping herself up with an elbow.

"You think the cops are going to stop me? I'm five foot ten, and I look like a stringbean. Even if they did stop me, it would be to make sure I would be okay walking around at night by myself."

Lapis hums pensively, but doesn't press further, and lays back down.

"... You'll get bed sores if you stay there all the time." Peridot scolds.

"What else am I suppose to do?"

"I don't know, you're allowed to walk around you know." She steps over to the front door, looking at Lapis over her shoulder. "I'll... I'll be back in a little bit. Consider eating something or getting up while I'm gone?"

Lapis nods. "Yeah, yeah okay." She agrees, sitting up. Peridot opens the door, and just before she passes over the threshold, Lapis speaks again.  
"Hey, Peridot?"

"Yes Lapis?"

"Be careful, alright?"

"I- I will."

And she's gone.

* * *

 

She returns at four in the morning, to a half-eaten poptart sitting on the nightstand, and Lapis asleep in bed again. _She sure sleeps a lot._

After putting aside a few hundred dollars for rent and necessities, Peridot doesn't even bother changing into something more comfortable before she lays down on the bed next to Lapis, and tries to sleep. It doesn't matter if it'll only be for a few hours. It's as good as anything.

Besides.

With previous savings, and the most recent business transaction, they've got a busy day ahead of them tomorrow, spending four thousand dollars on Lapis' behalf.


	7. A Bit Much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ya see i dont write a lot of details. this is mostly to move things along, but id like to imagine lapis buys all of the clothes that I want. aesthetic. though dont get hype ok

"F- four thousand dollars?"

"Four thousand three hundred and eighty dollars. To be exact."

"Th- that's crazy!"

"Not really. I would have preferred more."

Peridot sits at her computer, counting the bills in her hand for the third time. In all honesty, it is a decent amount of money, and if Lapis weren't there, at least half of it would have been spent on something she could smoke. But this doesn't bother her too much. She secretly relishes in doing nice things for others without any sort of reward- just not all the time. And not for just anybody.

"I wo.... Shouldn't you be spending that on more practical things? Like food, and bills and stuff?"

"I've already set aside what I will need for the next two months. You needn't worry."

"But-"

"Seriously Lapis, don't argue with me. Just let me buy you stuff- okay?"

Lapis stares, obviously conflicted, but eventually gives in, lowering her head. "Yeah, yeah fine."

"You shouldn't be sad about this." Peridot hums, standing up. She makes her way over to Lapis, and places a hand on her shoulder. "It isn't a big deal. I don't know why you think it is."

"I just feel like you shouldn't have to spend so much on me."

"I don't have to. I _want_ to."

And so it's settled.

* * *

 

 

 

The trip to the mall is a bit long. Longer than their previous trip. And Peridot doesn't have a car.

"So, how are we getting there? Don't tell me we're walking- I don't want to carry bags all the way back."

"No, we aren't walking," Peridot answers, though she is busy looking down at her phone.

"Then how are we getting there?"

Peridot holds up a finger, indicating for Lapis to be quiet- so she is. After typing in a few numbers, Peridot holds the phone up to her ear. Presumably it rings.

"Relax, it's just me," she says, after a moment of silence. "I hope you're not doing anything today, I need to borrow your car." Peridot makes an irritated face, shooting daggers at the wall as whoever it is begins to talk her ear off.

"Of course, I have fifty dollars... yes... no. I don't know. Mhmmm. Wh- why? Well, I need to go to the mall."

She looks uncomfortable.

"Because, I've... got a house guest. Need to buy her stuff."

Peridot glances nervously at Lapis, biting her lip.

"N- no. Well... I mean-"  
"I do not! Shut up oh my god. You're going to be the death of me...."  
"Yeah, why else would- no you can't come. Just- _can I borrow the car or not?_ _!_ " Staring at the groud, face burning red, Peridot has quickly lost her patience. There is a very brief pause before she yells into the phone for a final time. "GREAT OKAY THANKS BYE!" And she hangs up before the other can say anything else.

"Who.. who was that?" Lapis asks, grinning at her flustered actions.

"Jasper."

"I... thought I heard Sapphire talking about her. Isn't she like... super dangerous and not someone to mess around with."

"To anyone else, yes. But her and I have a very complicated relationship."

"Oh... _oh?_ "

"No... not like that, just- c'mon. Her apartment is like two blocks away. Let's go."

* * *

 

They stumble to her apartment, arms linked together as customary. If it isn't obvious by the look on her face, Peridot is dreading the upcoming exchange. Lapis wonders if it has anything to do with the phone call. Lapis is smart.

 

"Just so you know, she can be a bit... much," Peridot warns, using the most generous word she can think of. "She's pretty intimidating and comes off as callous. But, she's okay. Try not to let her make you uncomfortable, and just go along with whatever she says. Got it?"

Lapis nods.

True to Peridot's word, the first thing Lapis thinks of to describe this new character when the front door is opened, is _menacing_.

As soon as Jasper sees the two, she barks out a laugh, and catches her friend in a headlock. "How's life treating you Peridot?" She asks, grinning wildly, although, she hasn't seemed to notice Lapis yet. Peridot struggles to pull out of the semi-friendly hold, and once done, attempts to fix her hair.

"Adequately. I-"

Cutting her off, Jasper has definitely noticed the small girl now. "Who is this tall drink of water?"

Lapis coughs, inviting the urge to step behind Peridot.

"Is she the _house guest_ you mentioned over the phone?" Jasper prods.

"Y- yeah. Her name is Lapis Lazuli and I w-"

"Well hello Ms. Lazuli~"

"Jasper Jesus fucking Christ." Peridot groans, holding her head in her hands. "I don't need you to scar her. I just need to borrow your car."

"Right, right," She nods, still staring a bit intriguingly at Lapis, at places she shouldn't be, unfazed by the others haste. "One second." She disappears into the apartment, leaving a very frightened Lapis to be guarded by a very agitated Peridot

"Sorry about her, she's not so bad once you get past the obnoxious and suggestive," the latter offers. To this statement, there is no response.

When Jasper returns, swinging the keyring on her finger, Lapis clutches the back of Peridot's shirt. A safety mechanism.

"Here you go- pay up." She tosses the keys, and snatches the money from Peridot's outstretched hand. "I'll see you in a bit. Keep my car clean." She winks, and the door is shut.

The two stand there for a moment, unsettled by the entire situation.

"She's..." Lapis tugs on the back of Peridot's shirt, urging them away from the building.

"A bit much? I told you."

Peridot leads her to the car, having prior knowledge as to which one it is, and after opening the door for Lapis, she gets into the driver's seat. The key is placed into the ignition, foot on the clutch, and the engine sputters to life.

"You.. You can drive stick?"

"Well enough..."

"What do you mean... well enough?"

"I've..." Peridot pulls out of the parking spot, and onto the road. "Only ever driven stick three times."

"Oh my god. Do you even have a license?"

"Yes?"

"Forget I asked."

* * *

 

"You look like you've never seen a mall before..."

"I have, just... not one this big."

Lapis stares, awestruck. It's only three floors, and Peridot doesn't see the excitement. But if Lapis is happy, so is she.

"Don't worry, you can hold my hand so you don't get lost," she chuckles, although, to her surprise, Lapis reaches over and... grabs her hand. Peridot is about to stutter out an explanation about how she was kidding, but, she can't. She just can't. Not to that face.

"Where to first?" Lapis asks, tugging on her arm.

"We... should get you a phone first."

And because Lapis is so preoccupied with playing Geometry Dash on an iPad, Peridot gets away with buying her an iPhone six without any arguments. Though Lapis will find out later, and won't be too happy that she bought the most expensive one, with the highest amount of storage. Seriously, what the fuck. Who needs one hundred and twenty eight gigabytes?

* * *

 

 

Money is saved for things not available at the mall. Like a toothbrush, toiletries, more food: essentially things Peridot already owns, but doesn't have enough of to split between two people. Their main concern is clothing though. Lapis holds onto Peridot's hand again, smiling with child-like wonder.

"See somewhere you'd like to start?"

"Yes."

* * *

 

 

At the end of the day, literally, they break rule four easily and stay out past sundown, Lapis falls asleep during the car ride. She is cautiously woken up, due to the previous hostilities Peridot had faced when stirring her from a nap. To this, even with caution, she receives a growl. _Right, right. Not a morning person._

"Come on, I'm not carrying all of these bags inside."

Lapis sighs, exhaling through her nose. "Fine." She gets up, and helps carry bags two at a time into Peridot's apartment, where they are lazily strewn all over the floor. Both are too tired to sort the contents out. On the final trip, Lapis nearly throws the last bag down, before flopping into bed.

"You sure sleep a lot..." Peridot comments, pushing a few bags aside to clear a pathway.

"S'cause I wake up a lot during the middle of the night. You think I sleep the entire time, but I don't."

"Why?"

"Dreams. I relive some pretty messed up stuff." She curls up, gripping a pillow tightly and covering her face with it.

"Why didn't you tell me about that?"

"Didn't think it was important."

"Of course it's important. I care th... that you aren't getting the proper amount of sleep, and therefore can't function properly." Lapis scoffs as Peridot sits down on the bed. "It's from PTSD, yeah? I can find something for that, so you can sleep decently for once."

"Thanks..."

Peridot ruffles the blue hair, and stands up. She's hungry, and she at least has to put the food away. Humming to herself, she catches herself about to make popcorn, but finds something quieter to eat, so Lapis can rest. And with the temptation of sleep, Peridot finishes all food-related business, and sits down on the bed again. The other has drifted off by now.

Things are oddly serene, as nights in the city usually are. Passing cars, crickets, and the _clink_ of the ceiling fan, but something is different. In a good way. But she can't figure out what it is. Not as she removes the pillow, and places it in a more comfortable position. Not as she takes Lapis' shoes off, and sets them on the ground. Not as she pulls the sheets up. Not as she looks down at the sleeping girl. Not as she lays down herself. It's only when she leans over, and presses a kiss to Lapis' forehead, whispers "incredibly gay", and an arm is draped over her torso, even in sleep, does accept what's different.


	8. Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhhahaha gaaaay

At one AM, Peridot wakes up. Her body having gotten enough sleep, or at least, that's what she guesses anyway. But, it's as good a time as any to go out. Lapis is asleep. She's not going to leave- Peridot hopes she won't. Though she wouldn't blame her for wanting to leave, after all, the situation isn't a pleasant one.

Peridot sits up, moving slowly off the bed, as to not disturb the other. All evidence suggests Lapis isn't a heavy sleeper, but she doesn't wake up when the mattress shifts under the absence of weight. As she begins to pull on a pair of shoes, she can't help but wonder if Lapis will wake up when she's gone. If she wakes frequently from night terrors, how often, how does she cope, does it happen every night?

 _Hopefully, it won't happen tonight._ Peridot can't imagine what it would be like to go through it all by herself. Bullshit fucking foreshadowing I know.

With three hundred dollars in her pocket, Peridot slips out the front door, locking it for once. And as she walks down alleys, through shady buildings, and through hazy smoke and idle chatter, she questions her existence. What kind of existence is this? So hooked on something, that you would rather go without eating than be without an ounce of dried plant. It's not even a real addiction, at least not physically. But there's always something mentally driving her- that it'll be worth spending her money on. This time. Even though it never is, it will be this time. Sad in theory. It's not the first time she's wondered things like this. Even as she hands the money over, stuffs the bag in her pocket, and steps through the smoke, buildings, and alleys. But it's the first time she thinks there's something worth quitting for.

When she opens the door, the thoughts fade quickly. The sheer, terrifying notion that life is pointless, vanishes. The crisis is abandoned, because Lapis is awake. Sitting up.  _Oh no._  
As Peridot enters, she becomes aware of the entire situation. Clutching onto a pillow for what seems dear life, Lapis smothers the bottom half of her face as tears glide down her cheeks. Silent. No gross sobbing or hiccuping. Just wide eyed, pure terror. It seems slow motion. Peridot approaches the bed, remembering: _right, she might think I'm a hallucination._  
She looks so afraid. Not moving, Lapis watches Peridot with heightened awareness, breathing short, jagged breaths.

 _What do I do?_ _Keep it easy- don't overwhelm her, right?_ She can't address Lapis as, 'Lapis', can she? Will she recognize the name? Will it- _Fuck. Stop over-complicating things and help her._

"Lapis."

At this, she flinches, but doesn't take her eyes off of Peridot.

"I'm not fake. I'm real. Not a hallucination. Do you believe me?"  
There is a nod, it's faint, but it's there.

"I'm going to sit down on the bed. But I won't touch you, okay?"  
Another nod.  
Peridot moves cautiously, and she sits down on the bed, as promised, away from the other. Lapis seems okay with this, as she shakily moves her head to face Peridot.  
"Do you want a cup of water?"  
A nod.

 _I didn't think it would be this bad. I've been awake most of the time she's been asleep- how have I not noticed this?_  
Standing up, Peridot begins to make her way over to the kitchen. But something is holding her back. Lapis reaches over and grips the back of her shirt, so tightly, her knuckles go white.

"Don't leave me alone with her."

 _What the fuck._ A hallucination. It has to be.

She sits back down again. "Do you want to come with me?" To this, there is no answer. Lapis just stares out into empty space. And it reminds her of the first night, when she had been high: staring into nothingness.

"Do you want to go back to sleep?"

"She moves when I close my eyes."

"What does she look like?"

"Like me."

"She looks like you?" Peridot follows Lapis' line of sight, it's just left of the doorway.

"Me, except bright blue."

"Bright blue?"

"She's glowing. Her skin is blue, her hair is blue, and she's wearing a blue dress."

"Are her eyes blue?"

"Her eyes... she has no eyes."

"No eyes?" Peridot's heart skips a beat.

"They're just empty sockets. And there's water pouring from them."

"Does she get closer every time you close your eyes?"

"Yes."

 _You need to do something. I know. What do I do? Help her. Yes but how. Okay, okay think. She can see it, but I can't. Wait-_ "Would you like to hear my idea?"

"Yes."

Peridot shifts, kicking off her shoes, directly facing Lapis, and inching closer to her on the bed. She tries to get her attention, distract her from whatever she's seeing. _What did Lapis do when she was alone? No one to help her?_  
"What if," she suggests, sitting cross legged. "You faced away from her, and closed your eyes and didn't open them again-"

"No."

"I promise she's not real. She can't hurt you. I promise."

Nothing.

"You can close your eyes, face the other way-"

"No, no, no, no. She's going to hurt me. No, no, no, no-"

"-And I'll face her. I'll protect you from her, okay?"

"I don't... I-"

"I'll hold you just like I did the other night. You can sit in my lap and I'll hold you close and I won't let anything hurt you."

"But if I open my eyes, she'll be right in front me."

"I'll drape the sheet over you, wrap you up in a blanket to make you feel secure, and you can't see her then. She can't hurt you."

She nods.

"Okay."

Peridot grabs hold of the sheet, scoots over and sits next to Lapis, facing the same direction as her. With her right hand, she holds the sheet up, and with the left, she removes the pillow from Lapis' grasp. The other girl is hesitant, but lets go.

"C'mere. It'll be easy."

She looks to Peridot, and then to the empty space, and back again. With what is probably a leap of faith, and the bravest she assumes Lapis has had to be, she moves toward Peridot, craning her neck at a weird angle, as to not let the hallucination out of her field of vision. The exchange is quick.  
Lapis turns her body, wraps her arms around Peridot's torso, and closes her eyes. Peridot drops the sheet, and pulls the terrified girl into her lap the rest of the way, and arranges the blanket a protective cover. With a head resting on her shoulder, she holds Lapis protectively, and doesn't take her gaze off of the area left of the door frame for the entire night.

* * *

"Thank you."

 

Are the first words she hears for hours. It can't be too late. Sunlight only having begun to peek through the windows, Lapis can't have slept well. She's still shaken up from the experience.

"You're welcome."

"I'm scared to come out of this blanket."

"Don't be. She's not real, and she's not here." Peridot tugs the sheet away, splaying it across the bed.

She twitches, but her grip loosens. She's not there anymore.

"Are you okay?" Peridot asks, pulling Lapis back to get a good look at her face.

"I'm fine." Lies.

"Okay, no. I should have asked a better question. I know that you're not fine, but, how close are you to being fine?"

"More... than not."

"Good. You..." Sighing, Peridot smiles sadly. "You really frightened me last night. I didn't know what to do."

"Whatever you did, worked."

"Why... why haven't I seen that before? I knew that it could be bad, but I didn't realize..."

"It hasn't been that bad, not for a while. Not for a few years."

"Do you usually hallucinate when you wake up from bad dreams?"

"Not usually. Not here at least. That's probably why you couldn't tell I'd woken up before."

"Yeah... We can talk about this later, when it won't be overwhelming."

"Okay..."

"Want to try going getting some more rest?"

Lapis shakes her head. "I don't want to go through that ever again."

"You'll have to sleep at some point, but you don't have to worry. I'll be there, yeah?"

Lapis smiles. And it's full of pain. Hurt and sadness from over the years. Being alone. Being scared of the night: not because of the dark, but because of what she might see. Sleeping too little, and reliving something so awful when she does. Yet she's smiling. And that's so brave and admirable. "Yeah."

"Would it be a crime to insist that you try to sleep?"

"N- no. I guess not."

"So you will?"

"Only if you lay with me."

"Will you eat something first?"

"I will."

"Then yes, I'll lay with you."

"Pinky promise?"

"Yes: pinky promise."

And so they do.

* * *

 

After waking up, Lapis finds that Peridot is already awake. She grins and snuggles closer, Peridot growing used to her affectionate behavior.

"So, why were you out this morning? You walked in from the front door."

"I..."

"Were you returning Jasper's car?"

"No- fuck!" Peridot sits up, tumbling out of bed, and rushing to find her phone. "Thanks for reminding me- there!" She picks the phone up, and immediately calls said intimidating friend, to explain the situation.

"J- Jasper? Yeah, I... I know I know I'm sorry I-"  
"No, we didn't get back until late and then we fell asleep and this morning I would have but-"  
"Wh-? _What?! No!_ I wasn't- we weren't-"

Through the other end comes a laugh that can be heard by Lapis, even if it isn't on speaker phone.  
"Believe what you want Jasper- that isn't what happened! God, you're so inappropriate. I'll bring your car back now- bye." She hangs up, and picks the keys up off of her desk, eager to return the vehicle.

"What did she say?"

"Nothing. I'll be back in a few minut-"

"Are- are you blushing?!"

"Y- yeah. Probably."

"Alright." Lapis gets off the bed, and rummages through the shopping bags which are spread about the floor. "I'm taking a shower while you're gone."

"You do that."

* * *

 

Peridot pulls the car into it's usual parking space across from Jasper's apartment, steps up to the door, and knocks. Holding the keys out, she's a bit surprised when someone else answers the door.

"Wh- oh hello Amethyst."

"Heyyyy, it's other P. Come in."

"No, I... I'm here to return Jasper's car keys," She gestures to the object in her hand, but it's snatched away and thrown on a table.

"Done. You sure you don't want to come in?"

"Are... Pearl and Garnet here?"

"Yup," she answers, popping the 'p'. "Upstairs."

"So you're all high then?"

"Getting there. Care to join?"

"Normally I would, but I've got someone waiting for me at home."

"Ohhhh~ Peri is getting some," Amethyst chuckles, glancing over her shoulder at some movement. "Well have fun with th-"

"I'm not 'getting some'. Where is everyone getting the idea that I'm banging Lapis?!"

"You're banging Lapis?" Jasper asks, stepping behind Amethyst. "Nice!"

"Oh my god. Perfect timing- She's a person, not an object. Can you treat her civilly and not talk dirty about her when she's not here to defend herself?"

"I thought you owned her?"

"I- I guess I do technically. But she's still a person, and it's rude to talk about her- yeah?"

"Defensive. You have the hots for her."

"Anyway-!" Peridot growls, turning to Amethyst. "I need some stuff from Pearl. Can you ask her to contact me, stop by my place?"

"Suuuure. When?"

"Uh, tomorrow perhaps?"

"Done."

"Thanks."

"Now scram," Jasper interrupts with a grin. She shuts the door, and Peridot begins the walk home.

* * *

 

Sitting at her computer, Peridot hears the bathroom door open. She spins around in her chair, about to inform the other that someone will be stopping by tomorrow. But that thought is forgotten and is replaced with ' _Lapis looks good in a crop top'._

And that thought is shortly replaced with ' _did i actually just think that? Damn what the fuck. Keep it appropriate.'_

"Hey- Earth to Peridot."

"Wh- what? Yes?"

"Hey, queer. My eyes are up here," Lapis muses, pointing to her face.

"I... what are you talking about?" It's too late to recover from that though, she's blushing bright red.

"It wouldn't hurt to make your staring a little less obvious."

"D- did... you just call me 'queer'?" Peridot stutters, looking at the ground.

"I did. Relax," Lapis leans forward, hands on her hips, smirking. It's a mixture of hilarious, intimidating, and cute. Certainly uncharacteristic. "You're incredibly gay, and it's incredibly obvious."

 _Eyes are up there. Her eyes are up there._ To this, Peridot has no response. She just turns back to her computer as Lapis laughs, and heads into the kitchen. Forgetting to tell her about Pearl's upcoming visit, Peridot's still trying to process the line ' _H_ _ey queer. My eyes are up here."_


	9. Okay For Once

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haaha i dont want these characters to suffer i love them. i love them so heres more domestic gay fluff because im procrastinating writing the sad and scary bits

"Wh- are you cooking?"

"Yes I am." Lapis shuts the refrigerator door with her hip, and sets something down on the counter that Peridot is too far away to see.

"What are... you making?" Intrigued enough, Peridot gets out of her chair and makes her way into the kitchen.

"I'm making a grilled cheese for myself. I'll make one for you too, if you want."

This is almost comical. How, she doesn't know. But a quick fit of laughter bubbles up in the back of her throat. She pushes it down, eager to make it through the rest of the day without embarrassing herself anymore. "Yeah, knock yourself out. Since when can you cook?"

"I took Home Ec in highschool for two years," Lapis answers, turning on the stove. "Besides, my parents weren't around a whole lot so I had to fend for myself."

"How cliché."

"How is that cliché?"

"You show up and change my eating habits, make me do things that are so kind and out of character. Make me a better person. And now you're cooking for me?" Peridot grins, scoffing, looking at the other girl. "You're acting like my wife."

Lapis sputters, nearly dropping the knife as she greases the pan. She throws the other a nasty glare, but that expression soon changes. "Well," she says, all too confidently, setting the knife down. "You put a ring on it, and I'll consider cleaning."

They both eat while trying to suppress giggles. 

* * *

 

Once they've finished eating, Peridot sets up Lapis' phone. Entering in preselected information, she does have to have a way to monitor the activity. She plugs the phone into her laptop, and proceeds to edit the settings and files and drives, creating shortcuts and access folders on her desktop.  All actions will be recorded and sent to the corresponding folder in real time. Some actions are also restricted, websites are limited, and once everything is secured, with failsafes, she unplugs the phone and hands it to Lapis.

"I've already entered some contacts in- myself, Jasper, and a few others. Though those are for emergencies."

Taking the phone, Lapis opens a few apps, and raises an eyebrow. "You're just going to give this to me? I could easily call the police or something, and have you arrested for many things."

"In theory, but what kind of a person do you take me for? I already blocked certain numbers- actually, you can only call numbers that I've allowed. So, even though I don't know the number for your old house, you won't able to call it unless I were to manually grant access to it."

"I'm guessing there are other blocked things too, then?

"Yeah. And if you know what's good, you won't try anything. There are things you can get away with like being cute, and sleeping, and buying not-junk food. And that's okay. But I won't tolerate other things."

"So... I'm guessing no Tumblr?"

"Uh... we could arrange some sort of agreement. You could have the app but all posts would have to be approved by me."

This seems fair to both, and the conversation closes. Lapis screws around on her phone for a few minutes, before locking it and setting it on the nightstand.  
"What do we do now?" She climbs up onto the bed and sits cross-legged, tilting her head curiously.

"I'm working," Peridot deadpans from her computer chair. "It's not my job to entertain you, surprisingly."

"You're going to leave me to be bored?"

"You _could_ put all those clothes away. The dresser over there has four drawers and only one is half full."

Lapis groans, flopping down onto the bed. "That's _really_ boring."

"Not my fault."

"I told you, I'm not cleaning."

"Huh. Then I guess you'll just have to look through those bags every time you want to change."

Grumbling, Lapis sits up and slides off the bed. Peridot hears some sort of movement, but chooses to ignore it, which, admittedly, isn't a very smart move on her part.

"You sure?" The voice is a lot closer now- it's actually right behind her. "Cause," Peridot can _hear_ the grin on Lapis' face. "If you helped me put them away you would get to see them, and that way you wouldn't stare at me every time I got out of the shower~"

"I wasn't staring," Peridot interjects.

"Yeah you were. It was obvious."

Peridot sighs, and pulls her hands away from the keyboard. "What do you want from me? This is an awkward conversation already."

"It wouldn't be awkward if you weren't lying."

"How do you know I'm lying?"

"Because you're blushing bright red."

Peridot's hands fly to her face, in a last ditch effort to conceal that. This causes Lapis to erupt into a fit of giggles.

"I'm being harassed," Peridot mumbles.

"Want me to stop?" She asks in between laughter.

"Please do."

"Then admit you were staring, and explain why." Lapis offers, waiting keenly for a response.

 _She's lucky I like her._ "Okay, I was staring. There- happy?"

"Nope. You have to include a reason."

"Is this fueling your ego?"

"Maybe."

Peridot groans again, holding her head in her hands. _I can't believe..._ "Because you look good in that shirt?"

The giggling stops, which Peridot assumes to be a good sign, and again she is wrong. Lapis places a hand on her shoulder, leans forward, and with the most stoic face she can manage, whispers: "I look good out of this shirt too~"

" _Lapis-!"_

Said girl bursts into more laughter, holding her stomach.   
What is this. Why.  
_Why did I have to get stuck with this one._

"Y- you should have seen the look on your face. It w.. it was priceless!"

"I'm not drunk enough for this."

* * *

 

Done dealing with more embarrassment, Peridot mutters something about taking a shower. She pushes herself away from the desk, grabs a change of clothes, and stomps off to the bathroom. As she closes the door, she hears the giggling stop. This is followed by footsteps, that approach the door, and go quiet again.

"Peridot?" Lapis asks. So she's standing outside of the door? Peridot reaches down and locks it.

"Peridot I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I was just joking around."

She rolls her eyes and pulls her shirt over her head, planning to ignore Lapis.

"I'm going to sit outside this door and wait for you to come out." As promised, Lapis sits down next to the doorframe, and rests her head against the wall.

And when Peridot gets out of the shower, she's asleep on the ground.

* * *

 

_I guess I do need to learn how to take a joke._

Because it's later than not, the sun closer to setting, Peridot doesn't want to wake Lapis up. She deserves as much rest as she can get. So, Peridot hangs her towel back up, bends down, and picks Lapis up. She's surprisingly light. Though, why it's surprising, she isn't sure. Lapis is small. One arm under her knees, one arm supporting her back, Peridot carries her to the bed and sets her down. Body limp against the grey sheets, Lapis stirs as Peridot sets her down. And as if on cue, she opens her eyes, waking up just enough.

_Maybe she is a light sleeper._

She reaches up and grabs Peridot's arm. "I'm... I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"It isn't. I didn-"

"It's really okay." Peridot looks down at the hand which holds her arm, sliding it off. "Go back to sleep. You need rest."

She reaches up again, and grabs her hand this time. "With me."

"I'm not tired."

"Don't have to sleep." Lapis threads their fingers together, tugging gently.

"If you're worried about waking up, I'm going to be sitting at my computer, which is approximately, seven feet away."

"Please."

She can't say no to that face. But... Oh this is getting ridiculous. "Lapis is this necessary? Do you really need me to lay with you?"

"No. I want you to." She tugs the hand once again, and Peridot gives in. Begrudgingly, she settles next to Lapis, and said girl immediately clings to her, smiling giddily.

"Sometimes I wonder why I put up with you."

"Cause you love me," Lapis yawns.

"Yeah... yeah I do."


	10. Early Bird

_Knock, knock._

Peridot's eyes fly open. _What... what time is it? Who... oh god._  
Groggily, she gets up, and squints at the clock. _Did... Why can't I-? Oh._ Glasses laying on the ground she picks them up, and puts them on, looking at the clock again. They must have fallen off while she was asleep. Interrupting her thoughts, there is a another knock. Two knocks, actually. They're short, and curt. But it's seven in the morning. Who would be awake this early?

 

Right. Pearl.

 

"One second," Peridot grumbles. She shuffles to the door, running a hand through her tangled hair. Opening said door, and greeting Pearl with a stoic, if anything slightly annoyed, glance, Peridot steps aside, letting the other into her space.

"Ah, good morning Peridot."

"I apologize for not answering the door immediately."

"That's quite alright," Pearl waves her hand dismissively, sitting on the couch. "One must sleep eventually. You, especially. Well, normally I would get straight to business, but you look like you need a cup of coffee. I will wait until you're completely awake, and then we can begin our discussion."

"Right."

She trudges into the kitchen, setting up a pot for two. She considers setting up for three, but Pearl denies the beverage, and thanks her anyway. It takes only five minutes, and the liquid burn and bitter taste is something she relishes in. Steaming up her glasses, Peridot holds both cups away from her face, and reenters the living room, setting the mug on the nightstand. She'll have to wake Lapis up then, since this _is_ about her.

Turning to Pearl, Peridot sets her own mug on the end table, shrugging. Pearl seems to have noticed Lapis now. The extra person would have been easy to miss, but the couch is perpendicular to the bed. And her blue hair sticks out very noticeably against the dull sheets.

"You'll have to pardon the informality," Peridot half apologizes. "Though I don't really have an excuse."

"Not an issue." Pearl looks distastefully at the sleeping girl, eyes scrunching up, adding a fake smile. "Not to offend, but I expect it at this point."

"None taken. Now, she doesn't like to be woken up. But, I requested your presence because I have medical concerns for her, so she has to be awake."

"Take your time."

Peridot walks over, leaning against the bedspread. "Rise and shine." She says, resting a hand on Lapis' arm. "You have to get up."

Lapis grumbles, turning her head.

"I know you like sleep but we have things to do."

"Ngh."

"Lapis."

"No." She pulls the sheet over her head.

"Get up."

Growling as Peridot pulls the sheets away, Lapis opens her eyes, scowling. "What time is it."

"Early."

"Then _why are you getting me up?_ "

"We have things to do."

"Screw that. Five more minutes." Lapis sighs, closing her eyes again.

"No, we have company."

"Wh _at_?!" Sitting up, eyes wide, and suddenly awake, Lapis stares at the stranger sitting on the couch. She receives an odd look, but ignores that in favor of glowering at Peridot. "Why didn't you _tell me_ we had company?"

"Would it have made a difference?"

"Yes! Just... we do whatever it is we have to do, after I've made myself a cup of cof-"

"Way ahead of you princess." Peridot picks up the mug from the nightstand, and hands it to Lapis, who appears to be a bit flustered. "Though it might be a little cold, since it took you so long to wake up," she teases.  
Accepting the cup stubbornly, Lapis glares into the drink, sipping it, until the glare turns into a more neutral expression. And now that they've both had their coffee, they're okay to begin.

"So," Pearl starts, crossing her legs, and folding her hands in her lap. "Why, exactly, did you need me?"

"Well," Peridot sits on the edge of the bed, nodding her head in Lapis' direction. "As previously stated, concerns for her. Sorry it's on such short notice, but it's more severe than I thought. Also: Pearl, this is Lapis Lazuli. Lapis: this is Pearl."

"Wait, what." Lapis asks, looking up from the cup.

"What are these concerns?" Pearl questions.

"She experiences hallucinations, and night terrors, which I believe are flashbacks?" Peridot offers, turning to Lapis questioningly.

"Uh... y- yeah."

"Is that it?" Pearl presses. She reaches over and grabs the paper and pen off of the end table to record information.

"No. I... I sometimes hear voices, but they rarely happen. And it'd be when I hallucinate."

"And, what are these 'night terrors'? Do they have any real-world significance?"

"I have PTSD. They're flashbacks from... the reason I have that."

"How often do you dream about that?"

"It varies. I can go months without, and then suddenly it's every day for a week straight. I dunno why..."

"May I ask how bad it is? How often do they wake you up?"

"I'm a light sleeper, so, more than not."

"And, since when has this happened?"

"When... when I was fourteen."

"So about- what?

"Five years, probably."

Peridot observes at Lapis answers the questions monotonously, almost mechanically. She stares intently into the cup of coffee, not looking up at Pearl, or Peridot, or making eye contact with either. Are... are her hands shaking too?

_She's likely used to answering these questions. It's probably routine at every doctors appointment._

"I can imagine this topic is not one you would prefer to talk about. So, thank you for waking up, and sharing that with me." Pearl tears the piece of paper off, folds it up, and tucks it in her pocket. "I'll see what I can do. You aren't currently taking any other... prescription drugs, are you?"

"N- no."

"What about any... _recreational_ drugs?"

"N-"

"Only once. Not directly as of now," Peridot cuts in. She picks her cup off of the end table, sipping the now cooled drink. "Though she will probably be exposed to it, secondhand. Unless she changes her mind, and participates."

"I don't... know how I feel about that yet."

"Nonetheless," Pearl interrupts. "I will find a way around that. It may take a week or two, but I should have something by then, even if it's a temporary fix." She stands up, and strides over to Peridot, extending her hand. "Thank you for consulting me."

"Thanks for helping," Peridot shakes the hand, though returns quickly to holding the mug. "How much will it be upfront?"

"Thirty, because I respect you, and wouldn't want to pose a financial issue, since you are, now, providing for two."

"I appreciate that."

* * *

 

Pearl leaves, eager to be out of the apartment. It's not as bad as Jasper's though, so why would it be a problem? Well, messy doesn't matter if you're high, she guesses. Peridot locks the door, and downs the rest of the coffee. It's cold and unpleasant as it slides down her palate. But, the energy is good.

"That was rudely impersonal," Lapis huffs, standing up.

"That's Pearl for you."

"You guys are really similar."

"Wh- what? I hardly see that."

"Yeah. You both use big words, and seem like you don't care about other people." Lapis sets the empty cup down, and pulls another set of clothes from the bags.

"If you say so," Peridot rolls her eyes, taking both cups, and discarding them in the sink.

"I'm still mad that you woke me up at seven in the morning."

"Pearl is an early riser. She woke _me_ up by knocking on the door."

"I'm also mad that you didn't tell me she was coming over. I'll be right back." Stepping into the bathroom, Lapis changes, and returns still scowling.

"I would have told you, but you seemed keen on distracting me. So I forgot."

"Wow Peridot, I'm _that_ distracting?"

"Yup."

* * *

 

 

_You've got to do something._

_What do you mean, 'do something'?_

_You know what I mean. You can't just sit around and not be productive. Things won't go anywhere if this keeps up._

_I know, but, what am I suppose to do? I can't just force her into that._

_No, but she's got no idea of how bad things can really get._

_So?_

_Show her that._

_What?_

_What you've got planned for her is the lowest of the low._

_I know that... it's awful._

_Right. And she's just a kid. Never even been to a college party._

_Well she's not totally innocent._

_No, but it's probably not from personal experience. She's had once cigarette and didn't even stick with it. You want to insinuate she's been drunk?_

_No, no._

_Right. She needs to do something. Introduce her to what you really are. What she's going to become.  
_

_No._

_Yes._

_This is pointless._

_Arguing with yourself? Yeah it is. Do something productive. You'll thank yourself later._

_Do what?  
_

_I have the same ideas as you. I don't have a clue._

"Peridot?"

"Y- yeah, Lapis?"

"Are you okay?" You've just been staring at your computer screen for the past few minutes.

Peridot frowns, pulling her hands away from the keyboard. "I'm fine."


	11. Monster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for vomit haaa

After that, Peridot stops sleeping. She downs energy drinks and coffee like it's water, staying up for days on end. Her internal battle becomes progressively worse, mood fluctuating with the rise and set of the sun. Days are bad, but nights are worse. When the sun is up, Lapis is awake, which makes for a mediocre distraction. But when she's asleep, Peridot is alone, left unprotected and vulnerable to her thoughts, with no means of defending herself.

Cannabis isn't good for that.

It's different for everyone, but for her, it just makes everything _more._ More intense, more vivid, more enjoyable. But that's no good when you're down, and the only things around you are _blue_. It just makes you more down. Makes you think more deeply. And in this case, thinking is the last thing Peridot wants to do. She doesn't want to risk it.

Sitting at her computer, Peridot types frantically, hands shaking so violently she presses one right key, and five wrong keys. It takes more time to type a sentence than it does for Internet Explorer to load. And the normally comforting sounds of clicking are just contributing to her headache. She growls in frustration, yanking her hands away from the technology, and watching them twitch with her bloodshot eyes. No good. No good. She can't do anything like this.

"Are you... okay?"

The sudden question causes her to flinch, turning in the direction of the voice.  
"Yes, I'm fine. I had too much caffeine, thanks for your concern."

"I'm serious," Lapis persists, the corners of her mouth turning down. "That's like, the third can of Monster today. You're going to have a heart attack."

"Good."

"What's the matter with you!?" Standing up, Lapis marches over to the computer desk, spinning the chair around to face her. "This isn't right- it's not like you!"

"This is exactly like me-!" Peridot stands up so fast, the chair slides backwards and hits the desk with a loud _bang._ The items shake, a few toppling over. This only adds to her irritation. "You just haven't seen _me._ "

"This isn't the you that I know. You're better than all of this!"

"You don't know _shit_ about me! About who I actually am."

"Maybe not," Lapis squints, pointing up at Peridot's face. "But I know that won't change if you don't talk to me, and keep acting like an asshole!"

Towering over Lapis, Peridot clenches her fist. But it's only as she's glaring at the finger pointed directly at her, and her elbow goes up does she register what she was about to do. _Oh my god._ Undoing the first, she reels backward, widening her eyes. _No_.

Lapis falters. "Wh- what?"

Tripping over the chair, Peridot scrambles out of the situation, stumbling for purchase. _No, no, no._ She presses her back against the front door, feeling for the doorknob.

"Peridot- **stop.** "

The harshness of the words do indeed cause her to do that.

"What's... what's wrong?"

"I almost hit you," she mutters, inaudibly.

"What?"

"I almost hit you," she repeats, a bit louder.

At this, Lapis' eyes widen just a bit, and she steps back. "You..."

"I didn't mean it." Peridot rushes past the other, locking herself in the the bathroom, not knowing what else to do.

There's a series of fast footsteps, followed by rapid knocking on the bathroom door. "Peridot come out!"

She doesn't answer. Peridot's name is repeated many times, the small girl pounding on the door in frustration. But the words sound foreign. The identification is distant. Her sentences echo, like she's not really there. Turning on the sink, Peridot discards her glasses on the counter, and splashes herself in the face with cold water, shivering at the chill it leaves behind. It's the first time in a few days she's looked at herself. Bags under her eyes, the reflection is blurry, even as she puts her glasses back on. The world is hazy. Almost surreal.

_I desperately need sleep._

"Peridot, come out! Peridot!"

Said girl turns to the door, watching it vibrate and rattle with each attempt. What is she trying to do? Break it down?

"I'm sorry I called you an asshole, but _please_. You have to come out and reason with me like a normal human."

"Stop hitting my door."

At the request, she does stop. But the pleading doesn't cease. "Listen to me. Something isn't right w-"

"-Lapis."

Silence.

"I almost punched you. Why on Earth would you want me to come out there?" It's a spiraling realization. She wouldn't dare lay a finger on Lapis. So, what was that- that anger. That hatred- where did it come from? Perhaps the dark corners of her mind, the ones resurfacing. Her self doubt. Her indecisiveness. It's rotting her away, starting on the inside, working it's way out.  
"I'm a monster."

"You're not a monster!"

"Yes I am."

"I hardly thinking getting angry at me makes you a monster."

"It's... it's not just that."

"Come out and talk to me."

Surrendering, Peridot sighs and opens the door, facing Lapis with an apologetic grimace. She can't confront Lapis. Not now. She's too energetic, pumped up on caffeine. The world is too loud, too bright. Everything is agonizingly painful, each step and her body threatens to give way. Eyes sore, face numbingly cold now, but her body feels scorching. Though when she's greeted with Lapis' too-forgiving expression, she shuffles back, shaking her head. As she steps backward, Peridot knocks her skull on the wall, pain throbbing, it's getting hard to stand.

"Peridot, you look like you're about to pass out. A- are you okay?"

The world is spinning, falling out from underneath her.

Her body convulses. "'M gonna throw up."

And it's a good thing they're in a bathroom. Because she vomits three cans worth of Monster, a mere eleven seconds later.

* * *

 

After Peridot brushes her teeth several times, Lapis cleans her up, guiding her out of the bathroom, sitting her on the bed, and insists that she eat something. Something other than candy. Something with sustenance.

"I can assure you, I'm fine. I really do not want to consume anything."

"Ramen noodles?"

"Later. I still feel queasy."

"Fine. But now you need to tell me what's up." Lapis sits on the bed in front of Peridot, leaning forward curiously.

"Nothing is 'up'."

"That's a lie. And don't even try to deny it: you just made yourself sick."

"What if I have a stomach bug?"

"From _what?_ You haven't left the house in four days, which, by the way, we need more blue Gatorade. Anyway, truthfully Peridot. You can't look me in the eyes and tell me you're fine. I just watched you stress out to the point where you threw up because of anxiety."

"I don't wish to speak about it."

"Why not?"

Why not? It's not that challenging: just express how you feel. She has the words and the capability. Peridot unintelligently allows the possibilities and outcomes to collect in her mind. They cling together, creating another source of unease. What should she say? How is she suppose to explain it? Why her? It could have been anybody else.

_She probably thinks I'm a monster._

_Because you are. She's seen your bad side._

_I can be worse than that._

_You can. And she already thinks you're a monster. She's just lying to you._

_No._

_Yes. Imagine how terrified she'll be when you betray her. Begging and pleading like a wounded animal._ A vivid depiction flashes through her mind. The first night at the casino. Except now, it's her fault. It's Peridot's fault. She's responsible. She's guilty.

_No._

_Yes. You did this to her._

_No I didn't._

_Not yet._

_I won't._

_What choice do you have? It's wrong but it's right._

_It's not right. I can't-_

_But won't it be good. To make someone else suffer, like how they made you suffer?_

_Stop it._

**_Stop_ _it._ **

Her pupils dilate as Lapis breaks her from the trance, waving her hand. "Look at me. It's okay."

"It's not okay."

"It... it will be okay."

Struggling for words, all that escapes is a pathetic sigh. Peridot wheezes, hanging her head, as a sob wracks her body. The intake of breath is sharp, and certainly causes Lapis some distress. She reaches forward and lifts Peridot's chin up, and witnessing the sight is comparable to being stabbed in the heart. Crying doesn't look right. It never looks right, but it looks especially _wrong_ when Peridot is the one doing it. Lapis holds both sides of Peridot's face, wiping the tears away before they make it any further. It's wrong. It should be the other way around, if anything.  
Leaning away, all Peridot wants to do is cover her face as the tears fall more rapidly. But Lapis won't allow it. She scoots forward into Peridot's lap, almost daring her to keep moving away. Peridot rests her head against the headboard as she tries to control her crying, but no matter how what, nothing seems to be helping. So she lets Lapis fuss over it.

"Please don't cry."

"If I could help it, I would."

"You don't have to sass me, I'm on your side."

"Sorry."

"Don't apologize. Just... tell me what's wrong."

Her lip quivers, and looks down. No. No more crying. Peridot clears her throat. "I don't know what to do."

"About what?"

"This... whole situation."

"What do you mean?" Lapis tilts her head, moving her hands from Peridot's face, to her shoulders.

"I just... what am I going to do with you?"

"Do... do whatever you have to do."

"I don't think you realize what you're signing up for when you say that," Peridot grouses.

"What does it matter?" Lapis pries.

"It matters because I _couldn't do that to you!_ I couldn't live with myself if-"

"Why? I'm just property."

"No. You're a person, and you'd hate me. I'd hate me. I already hate me for considering it."

"Why does it matter if I hate you?"

"Because I don't want you to hate me!" Peridot exclaims, a bit too forcefully.

"Don't... don't you already?"

"N- no, I don't."

"But I'm causing so many issues!" Lapis retorts, crossing her arms.

"I don't hate you for that."

"Then how _do_ you feel about me? Because I honestly am clueless at this point."

"I- I like you."

"You like me?" Scoffing, Lapis rolls her eyes, smiling every so slightly.

"I do. I... yeah. Really do."

"I... think you're tired. You need to rest." Sliding off of Peridot's lap, Lapis pulls the sheet up and drapes it over her, moving to stand up.

"With me?"

_Of course._

"Y- yeah. Okay."

 

 


	12. Held

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is dedicated to my best friend frAN WHO WONT STOP READING MY FIC WHILE SIT UNCOMFORTABLY SIPPING ON LEMONADE  
> ALSO  
> AESTHETIC

“What do you mean you’re going to Jasper’s house?”

“I said _we_ are going to Jasper’s house.”

“What? Why? No! You need to rest- you can’t tell me you feel better after sleeping for eight hours. When was the last time you even ate something?” Lapis fumes, crossing her arms. The girl is too stubborn. Way too stubborn.

“If you make ramen, I’ll eat it.”

“You-!” Unfolding her arms, Lapis points at Peridot angrily, but then lowers her hand, remembering where that had gotten the two of them last time. “You need to rest. Not go to some party.”

“We’re going. I owe Jasper one, and this is what she decided to use it on, okay?”

Begrudgingly, Lapis mopes into the kitchen and turns on the stove, beginning to boil water. “What… do you mean you owe her one? And why would she use it to make you come to some dumb party?”

“Dumb is being kind. The idea is idiotic- a great way to get caught, really. But I owe her one, and I’m one of the more reliable sources for any sort of recreational drug. And because I didn’t want to go, she’s blackmailing me. So I’ve got no choice, and I highly doubt that you want me to leave you alone, cooped up in here.”

“Honestly Peridot, why do you even owe her?” Muttering, she shakes her head disapprovingly, retrieving two bowls from the cabinet.

“If you’re looking for the real answer, you’re not getting it. But, she’s got information that I’d prefer not be spread around,” She explains this while depositing two forks on the counter, and rolling her eyes. “It’s harmless, a personal embarrassment really, and she would have no issue telling everyone just for laughs.”

“ _Now_ I want to hear.”

“Nope. Don’t even bring it up.”

They wait for the water to boil, and once it does, the smaller of the two fixes the food, relentlessly pestering Peridot about the incident. Though, this only gets her more irritated growls and grunts, and eventually she stops. Maybe it’s intuition, but maybe it’s the thought of Peridot hitting her. Or maybe it’s the vivid, technicolor memories of being beaten. Of taking one too many hits, hair pulled, face slapped- eyes swollen until it didn’t matter if it was midday or midnight: there was no way to see. Bruises and scratches, being shoved to the floor, or dunked under water, and told to stop struggling because _aren’t you suppose to like water?_ Yeah. She was suppose to like water. And to _stop crying because you’re a swimmer, you can handle it._ No. No she can’t. She can’t handle it- she can’t breath.  
Lapis drops the fork into the bowl, taking a deep breath. Not real. Not anymore. She can breath. Just breath. Hands shaking, she closes her eyes until the water is gone.

“Are you okay?” The voice is swallowed, drowned out by the sound of crashing waves. But it’s just a memory. Nodding, Lapis slowly opens her eyes.

“Yeah. I’m fine.”

“I don’t think you’re telling the truth. But if you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t have to.”

“I… I’ll be okay.” Just a memory.

* * *

 

Tupperware dumped haphazardly into the sink, Peridot slides on a jacket, waits for Lapis to change, and grabs her phone and money. They exit the building, and with an unspoken agreement, hook their arms together. They tell themselves it’s so they don’t get separated.  
The wind tugs at any article of clothing it can find, inconsiderately causing their hair to stick up in every direction. It’s too cold for spring. So distracted by the cold, and the crunching of their shoes against the worn pavement, and wondering the story behind every passing face, Lapis doesn’t realize they’ve walked three blocks, instead of the two she’s accustomed to. And by the time she looks around, aware of the surroundings, she has no idea where they are.

“Uh- where….” Shivering, she squares her jaw to stop her teeth from chattering.

“Going to my dealer. It’s a party, people will expect drugs.” She shrugs, looking down at Lapis quizzically. “It’s not that cold.”

“Right, right… And yes it is!”

“Well why didn’t you bring a jacket?”

“It… it would have ruined my aesthetic!”

At this, Peridot barks out a laugh. “Your- aesthetic?”

“Y- yeah.”

“That’s adorable. Here.” She unhooks their arms, slipping her jacket off and handing it to Lapis. “I don’t care if it doesn’t match your aesthetic, I don’t want you to freeze.”

Fumbling to put the jacket on, Lapis thanks her, eager to hook arms again.  
Arriving at a club, Peridot pulls out her cellphone- just in case- and hands it to Lapis. Also pulling out the money, but keeping that to herself. The sight of the place stops Lapis in her tracks. It’s too big and too bright and too loud. She slides her hand down, gripping Peridot’s with excess strength. She doesn’t want to go inside. It’s that feeling in her gut.  
Peridot squeezes the hand, tugging the other up to the front of the line. The bouncer raises an eyebrow at them.

“Here to do business with Yellow Diamond,” Peridot offers as an explanation.

The bouncer laughs. “Right. Beanstalk like you and your tiny girlfriend got no place in this industry.”

So that’s how this is going to be- okay. They’ll want a scene, a scene they’ll get. “Oh, my sincerest apologizes. Jasper couldn’t be here so she sent me in her place- though I could call her if you’d like?”

That makes him look twice. “What’s your name?”

“Good question: Peridot. Is there anything else you’d like to inquire about? These two thousand dollars won’t be spending themselves, and I really have a party to be at.”

“Who says you’re on the list?”

“That list?” Peridot chuckles at the pathetic clipboard. “I’m not. This isn’t the party I meant…” She waits a moment, and something shifts in his expression. But he still doesn’t seem totally convinced. “Look,” taking her phone from Lapis, she hovers over the ‘call’ button. “If Yellow Diamond isn’t here, all you had to do was say so. I’ll just call her, and find out where she is. I mean no trouble.”

At this, he shakes his head vigorously, undoing the rope. “No, no. That won’t be necessary.”

“Thank you.”

She tugs Lapis inside, as she’s still spooked by the whole ordeal. Still holding the smaller girl’s hand, Peridot sighs. “Sorry about that. You don’t have to worry though, this place is safe. We’re safe. I’ll keep you safe.”

And Lapis believes her.

* * *

 They file through the club, lights flashing, music blaring, but inside her mind, it's quiet. Too quiet. So quiet, she can hear her blood flowing, heart pumping. She holds onto Peridot's hand even tighter, terrified to let go.

"Lapis..." Peridot speaks just loud enough for the one to hear. "It's okay. The worst that will happen is that someone tries something funny. And if they do, I'll punch them. Alright?"

"Okay..."

They make it through unharmed. No one tries anything funny.

Peridot opens a side door, pulling Lapis in, and shutting the door just as quickly as it was opened. The atmosphere shift it obvious. The smaller girl steps into the shadow of the taller. It's more intimidating, but less dangerous. Maybe less hostile.

"Diamond," Peridot muses.

The most important, seated on a pleather couch, looks up. Is... is she holding a hookah? She is... isn't she?  
"Peridot? Oh I haven't seen you in so long!"

"With all due respect, I've been trying to spend my money in better places. I'm here on Jasper's behalf."

"Well, I do hope you've been doing okay. How much and of what?"

"Eighty, reggie, no mids."

"That's what I like to hear! Tourmaline. Be a dear and get that for me."

One nods silently and steps away. Peridot would have been fine with the silence. But Yellow Diamond seems keen on starting up a conversation.

"And who is this beauty you've got behind you?" 

Peridot groans, stepping aside so Lapis is visible. "A new occupant of my household. Lapis Lazuli."

"She is absolutely precious! Come here," She beckons for the small girl to come forward.

Hesitantly, Lapis looks to Peridot for a hint. Peridot nods, nudging her forward, mouthing "it's okay".

Doing so, she steps up to the couch, allowing herself to be manhandled again. She'll never get used to it.

"Such lovely hair~ Oh, I like you already. If you ever need anything from me, do not hesitate to ask, mkay?" Diamond pats the side of Lapis' cheek. After being dismissed, Lapis retreats back to Peridot, latching onto her arm. And for some reason, Diamond finds this funny, and laughs. But at that moment, Tourmaline reenters, Peridot hands over the money, receives the drug, stuffs it in her pocket, and bids them all farewell. 

Once they're out of the club, Lapis sighs, not letting go. "I don't think I can do this for much longer."

 _Neither do I._  


	13. Double Trouble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for violence and blood ????  
> longest update yet

Thankful that the bass line is no longer reverberating in her skull, Lapis listens as the music fades down the street. Peridot guides her back a block, and when they make it to Jasper's apartment, she hesitates. She doesn't want to go inside. She doesn't want to go to a party. She doesn't want to be around people who are drunk or high- she just wants to go home.

Home.

"How are you holding up? You look exhausted."

"I... Well how about you? You're the one that got themselves sick," Lapis tries, in an effort to change the topic.

"I've seen worse. Here, we don't have to stay long. And if we end up staying longer than planned, I'm sure Jasper will let us retreat into her bedroom."  
Reasoning with herself, Peridot opens the door. It isn't bright or loud like the club, but there are a lot of people. It's not nearly as overwhelming, but still makes Lapis feel the need to hide. And parties never get to be more fun for Peridot. They're always obnoxious and loud. Except when she's high, but then, just about everything is enjoyable. The sights she's accustomed to. People making out in the corner, beer chugging, spin the bottle. Those drunk off their ass trying to play Wii on the tiny television. It's just like college.  
The space appears smaller than it actually is. With so many people packed into a less than spacious apartment, there is little room to maneuver. Somehow they manage, and Peridot makes rounds in the small area until she comes across Jasper.

Seated at the table, though Peridot was sure she had already checked the kitchen, Jasper begins what appears to be another round of arm wrestling. Though when her arm goes up on the table, and has trouble aligning itself, it's obvious to anyone sober, that she is drunk. But she seems to be enjoying herself.Waiting for the opponent to be crushed, Peridot approaches, cringing at the smell of alcohol. It's especially strong in that particular area of the house, even if three out of four guests smell like the fermented drink. 

"Jasper," Peridot hums, glancing about in distaste. "I br-"

"Hey! It's Peri~" She stands up, slamming her hands down onto the wooden tabletop, grinning madly. "Wh- and Lapis! Glad you could make it!"

"You sure?" Jasper wobbles over to Peridot, slinging her arm around the other. "I bet you would have loved to put that blackmail into use. Anyw-"

"You're right, I would've! Which reminds me I-"

"Money."

"Wh-?" Confusion flashes over her face, but is quickly replaced with understanding. "Oh yessssssssssssssss," She drawls, retracting her arm from around Peridot's shoulder. "How much do I owe ya?"

"Ninety."

"That's certainly a lot," Fiddling with her pocket, Jasper pulls out a wallet, forking over what appears to be a fifty. "Way to take one for the team... You can git the rest from upstairs, I trust ywon't take more than you need. Hm?"

"Understood. Here." Peridot hands over the bags, folding the bill away. "Have fun. I'm getting the money and then we're leaving."

"Awww, yshould staaay! C'mon Peri- you gotta learn to have some fun."

"This isn't my idea of fun."

"Oh but I know what is~"

"Jasper-!" Grumbling, Peridot grabs onto Lapis' hand, attempting to excuse themselves to avoid being elbowed. "You're too drunk."

"You're not drunk enough," Jasper chuckles, blocking the doorway.

"Please. I have no interest in this, and I can promise that Lapis does not either. You'll have loads of fun without us, you won't even notice we're gone."

"But I'd have even more fun if you were here~" Leaning forward, she smirks cheekily, unaware of personal space, and invading Peridot's 'bubble'.

"Jasper that's disgusting you smell like whiskey."

"If you leave, I'll tell everyone ab-"

" ** _What?!_** " Voice shrill, Peridot fumes, dropping Lapis hand, pointing a finger in Jasper's face. "We had a deal. I brought the stuff because you played the 'you owe me' card, and that was it!"

"I can't be held accountable for m' actions if I'm intoxicated. Everrrrybody knows that."

"You're not making sense."

A wide smile still plastered on her face, Jasper leans back, and takes a deep breath. With a voice that rises above everyone else, she starts. "I just want everyone to know that Per-"

"-NO OFFENSE BUT OH MY GOD FINE I WILL STAY PLEASE SHUT UP!" This causes a few heads to turn. Peridot's piercing voice interrupts the others', but it does spare her secret. It's worth being flushed bright red.

"Knew y'd come 'round!" Jasper pats her roughly on the back, satisfied, and steps aside so that the two may pass.

"Don't. 'M just going to go get the money and complain the whole time." Peridot hurriedly leaves the kitchen, pulling Lapis along.

"Have fuuuun~"

"Ugh."

* * *

 

Storming upstairs, Peridot huffs stubbornly, hauling Lapis around by the wrist. However, Lapis is still lingering on the previous exchange. She finds it to be a bit amusing. Opening her mouth to ask about this _thing_ Jasper is blackmailing her with. But Peridot stops, and Lapis bumps into her.

"Oof-!" Peridot shushes her, holding up a finger. Pressing an ear to one of the doors, she listens, but for what the smaller isn't sure. It's only for a few seconds, as the coast is seemingly clear. Peridot nudges the door open, with a muted creak.

Once the door is shut, and the light is switched on, Lapis deems it safe to proceed with questioning. "What was that?"

"What was what?" Peridot is distracted, rifling through Jasper's dresser.

"The whole... listening into the room thing?"

"Oh, that? Just making sure no one is having sex. Wouldn't want to walk in on that- Ahah!" She pulls an envelope out from the back of a drawer, flicking it open, and counting the currency.

"W- well," Lapis looks over her shoulder, changing her mind about sitting on the bed. "What is that _thing_ you and Jasper keep arguing about?"

"Wh-" This causes her to lose track of her numbers, growl, and look up from the money. "If I wanted people to know, I would have just let her tell people. I don't want you to know."  
The room falls silent as Peridot recounts the bills. Sound of paper shuffling is barely audible, and the chatter coming from other rooms seems muffled. There isn't a moment where Lapis can focus, really hard, and hear a word of what they're speaking. But she truly could care less. She doesn't want to drop the conversation.  
Preparing to say something like 'do you not trust me?' she catches herself. That's wrong and manipulative and unfair to Peridot. She really needs to work on her people skills.

"Are we..." Lapis starts, observing as Peridot fold the bills away. "Are we really going to stay at this party?"

"I have to. Is it okay to ask you to stay as well? I need someone to keep me in check, otherwise, I'll probably end up smashed or high. Good never comes from that."

"That's fine. I don't mind."

"Thank you. Now, we should probably go back downstairs. Jasper will be quick to accuse me of doing things, and I'd like to avoid that."

"As long as I don't have to participate in... that."

* * *

 

Tagging along behind Peridot, Lapis cautiously follows the other back down. She doesn't know what time it is, but figures it's getting rather late. The sun had begun to set upon their arrival, but now no light filters through the windows. It's dark. And for some reason, that isn't helping to ease her.

Lapis begins to think agreeing to stay was a mistake. There are so many people. So many faces. So many bad decisions. She doesn't belong here. But she'll do it for Peridot.They wander around for a bit, Lapis constantly being steered away from people, mainly Jasper. Even Peridot doesn't recognize most of the occupants, which makes her extra wary.

The smell of drugs circulates throughout the place, causing a few distasteful expressions. At least from Lapis. But to Peridot, it's a comfort. It's something she knows. Something she's used to. And it shouldn't be that way.  
As Peridot catches up with a few of her acquaintances, she feels a small hand wrap around her arm, and squeeze. They're chatting about meaningless things: how've you been? Anything new? It's not important. She's offered a drink, but turns it down in favor of checking up on Lapis. Excusing herself from the conversation, Peridot steps away. She turns her head to look at the smaller girl, but something, someone, else catches her eye.

_Them? What are they doing here?_

Their arrival is a cue to leave. Peridot doesn't appreciate them, or their attitude. She looks to Lapis, tugging her arm, about to insist that they vacate the area, but something's wrong.

Lapis looks terrified.

What... what is she staring at?  
Peridot follows her line of sight- and it's looking directly at the two of _them_.

_Does she know them?_

"Peridot," Lapis mutters, pulling on the other frantically. "Let's go."

"Are... what's the matter? You know them?"

"Let's go let's go let's go le-"

"Alright, it's okay, let's just get out before they notice u-"

_Too late._

With smirks that Peridot feels the urge to punch, the two parade over, arms linked together. They're looking for trouble, aren't they? God. The apartment is packed, so if a fight were to break out, the party goers would be too drunk to help.

 _Not good_.

Peridot can't fight them. Not at the same time.

"Emerald, Amber," Peridot deadpans, stepping in front of Lapis protectively.

"Peridot," Emerald, the taller of the two, responds, unhooking her arm.

"Can I help you two?"

"Oh no, we just," Amber hums. "Wanted to see how you were doing," Emerald finishes the sentence.

_God they're so weird and obnoxious._

"I'm doing fine, but I was just leaving. C'mon." Peridot grabs onto Lapis, and pushes the two aside. But she's pulled back. Emerald grabs onto Lapis' free arm, tugging the both of them back.

"Aww~ Can't you stay?"

"Don't touch her," Peridot spits, scowling. Lapis tugs her arm free, and clings to the other.

"What? Why not?" They speak in unison. It makes Peridot want to vomit.

"Cause she's not yours to touch."

"That's right, we forgot. She's _everyone's_ to touch."

Anger boils up- she can feel her eye twitching. Pressing all of the things she wants to say down, Peridot scoffs. "She's not for everyone to touch. _Especially you_. How the hell do you know her anyway?"

"Oh? So you're keeping her to yourself then?" Emerald slings her arm around Peridot's shoulder, grinning as Amber does the same. "You're so greedy. But that's probably what we would do too. She's so cute~ That's why we kidnapped her, isn't it?"

Peridot's face drains of color. _Them? It was_ _**them?**_

" _You two_ got her involved?"

"That we did. She didn't tell you?"

Prying the three people off of her, Peridot pushes the two back, gesturing for Lapis to stand to the side. "You two make me sick, you know that?"

"What, us? Human trafficking happens all the time, everywhere. And don't act like you're innocent."

"I'm not. But what the hell- why'd you go for her? There are so many prostitutes, or other people you could have chosen instead. She's just a kid."

"We told you," they muse, stepping past Peridot, circling Lapis. "She's just so cute~"

"Get the hell away from her."

Peridot tears the two away, clenching her fists. "Lapis, stand back."

"Lapis? As in, Lapis Lazuli? What an adorable nickname, it suits her so well. Did you pick it?"

"Damn right I did- and I _don't_ want to hear it said from either of your filthy mouths."

"What, you're going to fight us?"

"Oh, I'd _love_ to see you two with a bloody nose."

"Then what are you waiting for?"

"As much as I'd love to see that, I don't want to cause a scene."

"But it sounds like fun! Or do you just not want to get your hands dirty in front of your little whore?"

 _Crack_.

Peridot lunges forward, heart racing, punching Emerald straight in the nose. The sickening _snap_ sounds an awful lot like the breaking of a bone. There's a moment where time stands still, everyone almost in a trance, before blood gushes everywhere, spurting on the carpet.  
Emerald's hands fly up to her face as time speeds up again, and she stumbles backward. She's temporarily rendered useless, but Amber, who is stronger than she appears, steps forward before Peridot has time to react. A sharp blow to her gut, and the wind is knocked out of Peridot. While trying to recover, she receives a few jabs to the face, once to the eye, one to the mouth, and twice to the side of her face, her glasses already having fallen off. The world spins, but as Amber leans back, winding up her arm again, Peridot kicks, sweeping the others' legs out from under her. Amber falls with a loud thud, and by then, people have already noticed what's going on.

With an eye throbbing in pain, Peridot barely notices Jasper approaching. She's too mad. She's furious.

"You want to say that again to my face you cunts?!"

"Peridot- enough!" Jasper wraps her arm around the furious girl, who struggles and sneers, trying to pull free.

"No! Put me down- did you hear what they said?! They did this to Lapis- put me down!"

Jasper reaches over and hoists Lapis up too. Even though she's drunk, she still understands the situation."Emerald, Amber. You know where the door is. Get out."

"What?!" Amber shrieks, sitting up.  "You must not have seen the way that bitch attacke-"

"I'm well aware of what she did. You two have no place in my house. Out."

Fuming, Amber pulls Emerald up, stomping out of the apartment, all while glaring threateningly at Peridot. The door slams loudly, the guests watching in silence. But not knowing who to side with, they resume their conversations, leaving Jasper to deal with Peridot.

"What the hell? That was the dumbest thing I've ever seen you do."

Her heart is still pounding in her ears."I hate them. They make me sick."

"They're going to come after you," Jasper warns, setting them down. "You okay?" She looks to Lapis, who nods meekly.

"Good, I'll beat their skulls into the ground-"

"You can't fight them."

"I will."

"Ugh. Lapis? Will you go clean Peridot up? Bathroom is first on the right upstairs. You can't miss it. I have to go make sure they actually left."

Lapis mumbles a quick reply, hesitantly looking over to Peridot.

"What?" Peridot seethes, covering the blood that drips from her lip. "I'm fine. Augh- what the hell. Honestly who ev-"

"Peri," Lapis mutters, gently grabbing onto her hand. "It's okay. Please."

The words extinguish the fire, her anger dissipates. It's not worth being angry over. Not right now- she can't do anything about it. Her expression softens, and she sighs. Peridot looks at Lapis, dropping the hand guarding her mouth, surrendering. "Okay."

 


	14. I Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !!!!!!! STOP !!!!!!! READ ME !!!  
>  IVE UPDATED TWICE IN ONE NIGHT !!!!!!! SO, IF YOU ARE READING THIS, AND IT IS ONE OF THE MORE CURRENT UPDATES- STOP !!! YOU PROBABLY HAVEN'T READ THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER. GO MAKE SURE TO READ THAT FIRST. VERY IMPORTANT !!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
> kind of more in depth of like sexual slavery stuff and unpleasant flashbacks that could be triggering like abuse
> 
> also im pretty sure THIS is the longest update yet.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

Lapis tugs Peridot up the stairs, following Jasper's directions, and opens the bathroom door. Once inside, she shuts it, forcing Peridot to sit down so she doesn't waste energy. It's a silly thing, really. Complaining, Peridot eventually complies sitting down on the closed toilet lid and crossing her legs. It's getting hard to see through her left eye- it'll be even more swollen in a little while, she can tell. Amber hits hard. Bitch.  
Peridot is quiet the entire time Lapis fusses over her- opening, closing, and reopening cabinets, trying to find something that could help. She wets a rag with cold water, and holds it up against the others' eye. Peridot cringes, as it causes an unwelcome chill, but holds it there anyway as Lapis goes back to rummaging through shelves and drawers. Coming out with neosporin and another cold compress. On the counter rests the second compress as Lapis unscrews the antibiotic, and looks hesitantly at Peridot.

"You want me to do this, or do you want to?"

"'S just a cut on my lip, you can do it. Besides, I don't want to put this compress down."

Nodding, Lapis sets the tube aside, and wipes the blood off of Peridot's lip with a paper towel. Then she picks up the antibiotic again, squeezes a small amount onto her thumb and sets the tube down. She crouches down, leaning closer, and mumbling 'hold still'. Taking Peridot's head into her hands, she squints and gently pulls the skin, smearing the medicine onto her upper lip.   
Their faces are close. Lapis doesn't seem to notice, (yes, she does though) but if she does, she isn't outwardly affected by it. Peridot isn't either, but upon the realization that Lapis is a mere six inches from her face, her heart begins to speed up again. It's racing. Suddenly, she's conscious about everything. Her breathing shortens, her pupils dilate. Peridot can't think anything other than: _She's so close_. In concentration, Lapis sticks her tongue out, rubbing the medicine in, and wiping the excess off. It's a sight that sends a pang of _want_ right through Peridot.  
But what does she want?

She wants many things. 

Done with the task, Lapis steps away, standing up again, and wiping her thumb off on a towel that hangs neatly on the wall. Then she reaches over and dampens the second compress once again, holding it to Peridot's cheek. It evokes another chill, but shortly causes the skin to go numb. Peridot doesn't mind it this time. 

"You okay?" Lapis inquires, tilting her head questioningly. "You look kind of pale."

"I'm adequate."

"You don't have to use big, snobby words," she chuckles. "Y'can just say 'okay'."

"Would that make you happy?"

"What... what would make me happy is if you didn't go around getting beat up."

"I-" She's about to argue. She really is. But she stops short. What would be the point? Lapis is right- it wasn't a smart idea. It was reckless. "That's fair enough."

Lapis smiles, words could describe as forlorn. "But I do... appreciate it. You, sticking up for me. Means a lot. You didn't have to." 

"Ugh, they're disgusting. Of course I'd stick up for you- you weren't going to do it yourself."

"Are... are they really going to come after you?"

Peridot sighs. "Probably. Which means it's not going to be safe for you to stay with me."

"B- but, where else will I go?"

"You can stay here, at Jasper's. She could take them, easy."

"Then why can't you stay here too?"

"I'm not going to endanger Jasper any more than I have to. And you. You're my top priority."

"What about yourself?! _You_ should be your top priority."

"Don't worry about it. I'm more than capable of punching, I'll be fine." But it's a lie.

After that, Lapis doesn't reply. What is there to say? She doesn't want that- not in the slightest. But why she finds herself so concerned about Peridot's safety is a bit alarming. _I've grown so attached to her, and I hadn't even noticed. This is bad- shouldn't I hate her?_ All logic tells her, yes, yes she should. But, in this case, her heart wins. And her heart is telling her no, no, yo don't hate her. You like her. You really, really l-

Okay. Thank you for that.

It's been about ten minutes of the two sitting in silence, before Lapis snaps away from her internal battle, and removes the compress from Peridot's cheek. She takes the one away from Peridot's eye too.

"That's about all we can do for now, I think."

"You... wanna go home?" Peridot hums, holding back a yawn.

"Yeah, I do."

* * *

 

They excuse themselves from the party, this time Jasper presents no disagreement. It's a mutual agreement that they're done for the night. There are no comments from her.

The trip home is silent too, following routine they link arms, but Lapis has to steer Peridot around a few times, due to her less than reliable vision. No heads turn, everyone in the city is used to seeing odder things. But, even so, there aren't many people walking around. It's night time. No one walks around during night.

They arrive shortly, and enter the apartment, Peridot immediately locking the door and flopping onto the bed. Lapis follows, but sits down instead.

"Aren't you hungry?"

"Ugh, that's right- I forgot eating is a thing that I have to do."

"Don't get sassy with me," Lapis chuckles, snatching a pillow and softly whacking Peridot with it.

Peridot groans, but rolls over, smiling. "Right, right. Let's get food." She stands up, and pads over to the kitchen. Not exactly feeling up to the task of cooking, she settles on poptarts. Basically inhaling them, not realizing she had been so hungry, Peridot sighs, eager to sleep. Laying down again, she childishly hugs a pillow, waiting for Lapis to finish her food as well. Once she does so, and climbs into bed, Peridot drops the pillow in favor of the other, and wraps her arms around the small girl, while said girl mimics the action.

"Why so cuddly?" Lapis giggles. But it's not like she minds.

"Just... scared."

"Wh- why?"

"I thought... I thought they were going to hurt you. I got so mad- 'M not ready for what's next."

But, to this, there is no response. Peridot looks down, and finds an odd expression pasted on Lapis' face. She's gone strangely silent. Internal conflict- there must be something she doesn't know.

"Lapis?"

"Yeah?"

"What is it?"

"What is what?"

"That- that look. I can see it on your face, there's something you're not telling me."

"They already hurt me," Lapis breaths, looking away.

"Wh- what?!"

Lapis' grip on the taller girl tightens, and she closes her eyes and breaths shakily. "Bad things..."

"Tell me- tell me what they did to you." Peridot can feel the anger boiling up again but- no. She can't do anything right now.

Her grip tightens even more, trying to hold back tears. "Don't wanna talk about it."

"How long?" Peridot mumbles. "How long did they hold you?"

"Almost a year," she chokes out.

"A _year?!_ "

"Mhm."

"Lapis you have to tell me what they did," Peridot urges, sitting up and pulling Lapis with her. "We do illegal things all the time, but there are certain things we don't stand for."

"It hurts to think about," her voice cracks, a few tears threatening to spill. "I don't want to-"

"I know, I know you don't. But Lapis- look at me." Tenderly, she tilts Lapis' chin up, wiping away tears. "They're not here, they can't hurt you anymore. I won't let them. I promise."

Her mind is reeling. _What could they have done? Go_ _d, I wouldn't put anything past them- they make me want to puke._

But Lapis can't think. At least, not about anything else. The memories are there again, and all she feels is fear. Fear, hatred, anger, sadness, disgust- they all well up inside her, choking her, until it's all she knows. All she remembers. The previous eleven months flash before her- scenes of discomfort and agony. Being pushed just shy of her limits. Darkness. Cold. Pain. Her eyes cloud over, forgetting that Peridot is even there, she's placed back in their basement. Back to being chained up, back to being called filthy nicknames like 'dear' and 'sweetie'. Back to her own personal hell.

"Lapis," Peridot interupts, searching for a sign of recognition. "It's not real anymore."

"Sometimes they'd starve me, sometimes they'd stuff me," Lapis mumbles, eyes still glossy. "I'd forgotten most of it- my brain refused to remember I... they locked me up. Sometimes wouldn't see them for days. They... it was awful. I was trapped for nearly a year and... in that time, they encouraged my illness. They... gave me some kind of drug and I would hallucinate for hours and I remember sitting there screaming and crying and no one helping and they didn't do anything except watch and smile and they promised if I was a good girl they'd let me go and-"

"Lapis, slow down. You're shaking."

"Th- they tried to touch me."

_What._

"I didn't let them- I fought, I screamed, I cried, I kicked and I was blindfolded but it worked- but they didn't like it. But they promised me it would be okay and they lied to me and they gave me another chance and they kept calling me 'cute' and I wanted to puke and towards the end, they were gonna rent me out. They threatened me they said 'if you struggle we will hurt Steven.' Steven's the kid I babysat, he was the only one who cared about me and he was the only one who I cared about and I couldn't do anything because I couldn't let them hurt Steven so I just let them and then when the person came down they just... didn't. I dunno what happened but they changed their mind and bought me instead, and I cried because I was finally going to leave and then they sold me to Ruby and Sapphire and-"

By now, she's crying full on. Tears pour from her eyes, dripping silently onto the sheets, as she recalls the scene in vivid detail. But Peridot interrupts her, not wanting to hear anymore.   
"It's okay. It's okay you don't have to tell me anymore don't cry okay please don't cry." She holds Lapis tightly until the girl stops shaking. Until she stops crying, and until her eyes aren't cloudy anymore and until she's back to normal. As normal as she can get.

"Please don't make me do that," Lapis whimpers, holding tightly onto Peridot. "I can't do that." The voice breaks Peridot's heart. It cracks, she sobs, and it hurts. And she vows never to hear it again.

"I won't," Peridot says, all too solidly. "I won't, I promise."

"Th- thank you."

* * *

 

In the morning, both deprived of sleep, they huddle together, and eventually doze off. It's cold for spring, and the sheet barely breaks even. And both are too tired, and reluctantly to get up and get another blanket. But, now it's not a problem, where as it normally might be. They have eachother for warmth.   
Lapis clutches onto Peridot, snoring lightly. Peridot wraps her arms around Lapis protectively, even in sleep determined to keep her secure. It's one of the few moments they'll have to themselves. But with the morning light flooding into the room, Peridot doesn't sleep for much longer. She detaches the sleeping girl from her torso, as lightly as she can, plodding off to the bathroom. Washing the dried blood from her lip, she grimaces, noticing a small patch around her eye beginning to bruise. Black eye, of course. It's not attractive in the slightest, and the cut will probably scar. Nothing feels broken though. And she doesn't have to worry about the authorities- no one would risk being exposed to rat someone else out for a fight. People die all the time under the cops' radar. They'll be okay.

But damn. Lapis. Why...

Why her?

Why did all of those terrible things have to happen? To the girl who deserved it the least, no less. It makes her furious.

Peridot steps out of the bathroom, and looks kindly at Lapis. She doesn't deserve this, not one bit. And not even in sleep can she escape it. Getting comfortable, Peridot sits down on the bed, and absentmindedly runs her finger through Lapis' hair. She shifts, moving closer to Peridot, but remaining asleep. At this point, Peridot wants nothing more than to protect her. The sleeping, peaceful face sends another pang through her heart, but this time, she forces herself to ignore it. Bad. Feelings are bad. They get in the way.

_You can't like her. You can't afford to._

_But-_

_No. It's bad. It's dumb and risky and a great way to get hurt. She'll just be a weakness._

_But I love her.  
_

_No you **don't**.  
_

_Yes I do._

**_No._ **

Lapis stirs, her eyes flutter open. But instead of being greeted with anger, as she is not a morning person, Peridot is greeted with a lazy smile. And it physically pains her heart. She is adorable. Sighing, Lapis' allows the affectionate action to continue, as her eyes slowly fall closed, and open again, wavering on the boundary of sleep and awake. But finally, she sits up, blinking lethargically, a smile still present. But wh... why is she happy? Heaven knows she's still shaken up over last nights' events.

"Are y' really gonna make me stay at Jasper's house?" Lapis asks, crawling into Peridot's lap.

"It is likely."

"Noooooooooooooo."

"Yeah. Gotta keep you out of harm's way."

"But I wanna stay with you."

"Even if I were to put you in danger?"

"Y- yeah."

"But-"

"I know you just wanna protect me," Lapis hums, sitting closer and resting her head on Peridot's shoulder. "You wanna guard me from everything, and keep me innocent. So I don't have to see the bad things. And that really means a lot to me." She picks her head up and swallows visibly, before resting their foreheads together. "But you can't do it forever, y'know."

"I just... care about you." Peridot breaths, placing her hands on Lapis' sides. "A lot."

Time slows again, and she becomes immensely self conscious. The bruise on her eye, the cut on her lip, her bedhead- she probably looks like a mess. _Notgoodnotgoodnotgood_. Everything is louder, everything is brighter, everything is more. The rumbling of the subway, the lingering smell of smoke and poptarts, the girl who can only be defined truly as _blue._ Peridot stares into the blue eyes that know sorrow, that know pain, that know anguish, more than she ever could. And she's completely gone.

"I know you do," Lapis smiles, pulling Peridot back into reality. "I know."

 


	15. Right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)
> 
> !!!!! IVE UPDATED THREE TIMES FREQUENTLY SO JUST DOUBLE CHECK TO MAKE SURE U ALREADY READ THE PREVIOUS CHAPTERs

With hushed voices, they continue.

"When am I gonna have to go over to Jasper's?" Lapis asks, since Peridot can't find her words unless presented with a question.

"S- soon," She splutters, not breaking eye contact. "Better safe than sorry."

"How soon?"

"Preferably later today."

"That soon?"

"Unfortunately..." Trailing off, Peridot's heart rate increases again as Lapis shifts closer. _Too close. She's too close._

"Could I," Lapis begins, tilting her head. "Could I, by any chance, persuade you on that?"

Peridot laughs. "Knowing you, you could probably get me to do just about anything."

The corners of Lapis' mouth turn up into a knowing smile, her eyes crinkling too. But if she has something to say, she doesn't. Instead they sit there, together, in what one might mistake for silence. Though it's anything but.

Barely able to hear her own thoughts over the sound of her beating heart, Peridot's eyes flicker down. _She's so close... I could just-_ Her grip tightens slightly, grappling the fabric of the others' shirt. _Relax, relax._ She tells herself. _You're panicking for no reason._

_Not for no reason. She's so close._

_Don't get any ideas._

_Too late._

_No, no bad. Bad bad bad. Stop it. Stop it._

_I could do it- it would be easy._

_Stop stop stop **don't** kiss her don't do it don't-  
_

"You okay? My eyes are up here," Lapis teases, interrupting Peridot's internal monologue.

Peridot swallows. "I'm good."

"You sure? You don't look it- am I making you uncomfortable?"

"No, no. You're fine," Peridot insists.

"I can stop if you w-"

"No. Stay, please." When she says those words, something changes. She's able to accept how she feels- able to accept that things are different. Her mind goes quiet, and for the first time she can't think. She can only feel. And that's when _too close_ becomes _not close enough_.  
Peridot's hands slide down and push on the small of Lapis' back, pulling her closer- if that were possible. Their noses bump together, it feels, and probably looks, incredibly silly but... It also feels right. It feels right with Lapis sitting in her lap, it feels right to know things like this are real, and that they're okay. It feels domestic, which is something she's not used to at all, but it feels right. It's right.

And because we don't get Lapis' perspective, we don't know. We don't know her heart is racing a mile a minute and we don't know she feels the urge to lean forward and seal the gap. We don't know that inside her head she's screaming. We don't know that even in her broken state, staring at Peridot feels like gazing into a cracked, shattered reflection of herself. Finally picking up the pieces and putting them back together. We don't know how desperately she wants to kiss Peridot, and why she's so unsure. When did she start liking Peridot a- and why? When did the meaningless jokes, and suggestive implications become meaningful. She lost track. We don't know.

And god, it's so out of character.

_What has she done to me?_

"You sure you're okay?" Lapis repeats, angling her head and leaning closer, covering the evidence of a smrik. Her breath is shallow against Peridot's face, and even though it's warm, it sends a chill down Peridot's spine. They're barely two inches away- _do it._

"Better than okay... Fuck it," she mumbles.  
Leaning forward, and leaving no space, she presses their lips together. It isn't perfect, but things never are, and to them, it doesn't make a difference. Things happen more quickly than they appear. But that's because when they touch, Peridot swears, time stops. It's cheesy, yes. Except, how are you suppose to remember trivial things like the concept of time, when more important things have presented themselves?  
There's a spark, then there's a fire and her heart's about to burst. If their teeth clack together, they don't notice. If the cut on her lip stings, it doesn't matter. Even if the action is quick, for those few seconds, all she knows is the feeling of Lapis' hesitant and innocent kiss. And if the cars and trains outside were loud, they're ear-splitting now. If the room was hot before, it's certainly scorching. And they both have bedhead, and morning breath, and don't know anything other than _this is right._ But they don't care.  
Peridot kisses her with every ounce of her being, every part of her heart wishing she could take the pain away and harbor it herself so Lapis didn't have to. That if she loved her enough that would make things okay. And she knows that's impossible- a foolish thing to wish but she wishes it anyway. Pulling away, they take a much needed breath. Peridot with a sharp inhale, her face flushed bright red. Lapis, though not as dramatic, a dull haze with half lidded eyes and a dopey smile as their foreheads are still touching. Her breaths are calmer, and Peridot finds this to be a bit more than ironic. _Who_ was the one getting flustered just a week or two ago? Their positions have totally swapped.

_Fuck._

_Fuck is right what the fuck._

_I just kissed her._

Suppressing any negative thoughts, she smiles timidly, not going to let anything ruin it. And though she's still blushing bright red, Lapis couldn't find anything more charming, even if it is out of character.

"Wait," Lapis starts, her expression changing to puzzled.

"... Yes?"

"When, again, am I going to Jasper's?" And this time, she doesn't bother to hide the smirk.

* * *

 

Insisting that Lapis pack, and that it'll only be for a few days, Peridot grows more conflicted.

_God god god what am I going to do. This is bad bad bad bad... I- I can't like her._

_But I do._

_But I can't. It's a weakness. I'm not weak._

_She's worth it._

_Look at what you've signed yourself up for. She's dead weight.  
_

_Not if I love her._

_Money is a thing!_

_I can't say no to that face._

Fumbling, Peridot pulls her phone out of her pocket, and calls Jasper. It rings a few times, but when it's picked up, Peridot steps out of Lapis' earshot.

"Hey- you good?" Jasper asks, with what Peridot can bet is a hangover.

"I'm fine- well no. I'm not."

"What's the matter?"

"A- a few things."

"Liiiiiike?"

"One of which, you'll laugh at me for, and not take me seriously," Peridot taps her foot anxiously, double checking to make sure Lapis isn't nearby.

"Pfft. Who, me? But in all seriousness, what's up? Honestly."

"I... I like Lapis."

"Duuuuude, I told you."

"Shut up!"

"You're so fucked."

"I _know!_ " She hisses, repressing the twitch in her eye.

"What're you going to do about it?"

"I don't know. But, that doesn't matter. Right now, I need you to watch her. She needs to stay someplace else, it's not going to be safe for her if she stays with me."

There's a pause, and Jasper hums. "Does... does she really mean that much to you?"

"Yeah. She really does."

Reluctantly, Jasper agrees. "She... she can stay with me."

"Thanks Jasper."

"Don't mention it."

"But first... there's... there's something we have to discuss about _them._ "


	16. Cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw water tw drowning. 
> 
> i wasnt able to write this the first two times i tried  
> and then i ended up staying awake through the entire night and i wrote it then. not the chapter i wanted to write, but it got written. 
> 
> also s/o to the really cool people who supposedly read this. aka everyone. thank you all v much

With a bit of arguing and complaints from Lapis, Peridot finally gets her to agree. Though she isn't happy about staying at Jasper's in the slightest, the discussion hits half an hour before she begins to budge, Lapis decides to comply anyway. It's not like Peridot will let her say no. And truthfully, the blue haired girl feels awful, even if she doesn't show it. This is happening because of _her._ Peridot is in danger because of her. Because she couldn't just stick up for herself and stop being a coward for once.

Finally swayed on her choice, Lapis mumbles something about taking a shower before they go. It's really just an excuse, as she rushes off to the bathroom without waiting for a response. She's just procrastinating. As the bathroom door shuts with a tad more force than necessary, Peridot cringes. Knowing it's the right thing to do- get Lapis to somewhere safer. But she can't still help but feel bad about it- forcing her to do something she doesn't want to. And when it's phrased like that, she feels even worse.

Upon closing the door, and twisting the knobs, as water starts to flow, Lapis realizes that, in her hurry, she had forgotten to grab a change of clothes. Well- fuck? There's a towel. That'll have to do. Locking the door for good measure, she undresses and steps into the stream, her anger already diminished enough so that she doesn't feel _mad_ per say, just unhappy. She can't stay mad at Peridot. The water scorches her skin, the less than enjoyable feeling of her scalp being scalded, Lapis reaches over, and restricts the amount of heat. Quickly turning to cold, most would hate, though something about it is oddly comforting when it _really_ shouldn't be. It pricks at her flesh, causing chills and shivers, goosebumps, and a feeling of sick to her stomach. Right. This is why she doesn't like cold water.

It's dark, murky, freezing, immobilizing, sensation of death. Of dying. Of drowning. It consumes her, branching it's unwelcome ice in every nook and crevice, every crack in her mind. Every shattered piece of glass. It numbs her skin, cooling blood, lowering body temperature until muscles seize, and stiffen. And she can't move. She can't move.

She can't move.

How is she suppose to swim?

Slowly, light fades along with her vision, and the sound of water splattering against the tile becomes muffled. And by then it's too late for her, even if she notices. World and conscious wavering, she only sees _then,_ and not _now._ Just like it had been five years ago.

Lapis rocks back and forth, body swaying, just like it had. Her stomach lurches, just like it had. She falls backward, back hitting the ceramic wall, and sliding down until she's sitting. The water soaks her hair, blue dye dripping down into the tub, sliding down her cheek and staining it with the pigmented residue. But she doesn't feel that. She doesn't see Peridot's bathroom. She sees the ocean.

The boats tips, sending her slipping along the deck, flipflops doing nothing to resist the slick wood. Caught in a downpour, waves throwing her in every which way, all she can want is to get out. Instinctively, heading to highground, a little voice telling her in the back of her mind that it'll do no good in the end, she panics. Mind overrun with chaos until the vessel finally slips underwater, not even bothering to call out 'mom' or 'dad'.

And then it's cold. And the ocean tugs at her, engulfing her whole, creeping up her throat. But no- swim. Swim. So she does. Body battling against mind as her arms circle and legs kick, she doesn't know for how long. How long was she swimming- treading water as her body grew numb and cold and unresponsive?

_How long was I there?_

And is she still there?

And how long is it until she wakes up, wrapped in blankets, going silent as they ask her who she is. And is she okay. Shivering down to the bone, she doesn't hear anything as they tell her they found her bobbing in a pile of debris. That she was lucky another boat came by or else she would have been dead. That she was lucky she had taken swimming lessons or else she wouldn't have been able to tread water for that long. How lucky she is. How lucky.

How lucky she is to have just been on a boat while it sank. So utterly lucky.  
And she doesn't talk for months.  
And her first word in so long is 'why?'

The pounding on the door is what pulls her from that. Lifts her from the past.

Lapis looks up, hand going to the back of her head where it also hit the wall. Peridot repeatedly asking, on the verge of yelling if she's okay and did she hear something fall? Lapis stands up, confirming that she's alright, but she isn't really. Her body shakes, fed up with the chilly temperature, and she numbly shuts off the supply. Stepping out, she wraps the towel around herself, approaching the door with an unreadable expression. She's not sure how to feel.

"I forgot a change of clothes so 'm coming out with just a towel. Cover your eyes if that'll still bother you," she warns. After waiting a moment, giving little fucks, Lapis pushes the door open with ease, Peridot having stepped out of the way. Her eyes are indeed shielded, so she doesn't see. Nothing revealed but that's not important. Doesn't see the girl's lips are blue. Lapis changes, depositing the towel back on the rack, telling the other it's okay to look. That she doesn't have to cover her eyes. Peridot removes the hand, but immediately becomes concerned when she finds Lapis to have lips that match the color of her hair.

"What... why are your lips blue?"

Lapis looks down, pursing her mouth, trying to indeed confirm it to be true. She shrugs, dismissively. "I dunno. Took a cold shower."

"There's a difference between cold and danger to loosing an appendage," Peridot scolds. Bringing a blanket, she wraps it around the small girl, instructing her to sit on the bed. Hurrying into the kitchen, she thanks past Lapis for insisting on buying herbal tea because otherwise she wouldn't have had it, as she boils water on the stove. Once this is done, she forces the mug into the others' hands, insisting it'll do her well.  
Not in the mood to complain anymore, Lapis sips slowly, her appetite partially spoiled due to the violent flashback. So she sets the cup aside, hoping that will be the end of it. It isn't of course.

"What happened?" The voice is distant and fuzzy. "Lapis snap out of it look at me."

Doing so, Lapis frowns.

"What happened in there?" Peridot presses, voice laced with worry.

"Had a flashback."

"In the shower?"

"Yeah. Fell backward too, 'n hit my head I think."

Sighing, defeated, Peridot crawls onto the bed, pulling the blanket so it sits more efficiently on Lapis' shoulders. "What do you usually do after flashbacks?"

"Take my meds, cause I probably forgot to the few days prior," she deadpans.

"Well I can't give you that- what else?"

"I sleep or cry."

"You sound really out of it."

"I..." Lapis closes her eyes, squeezing them shut, trying to ground herself. "I'm trying my best."

"There anything I can do?"

".... More blankets."

* * *

Fighting dissociation, Lapis has Peridot pack things for her, not in any state to argue. It'll only be for a few days anyway. At least, until it gets cleared up. She instructs the taller girl on which clothes should be packed, and how to fold them. And not to forget that, because yeah, that's something I'll probably need. Peridot doesn't complain or whine, doing the task with no grievances, as why should she mind?

Once done, she turns to Lapis, sitting next to her again, screwing her mouth to the side. "Y' know. We really ought to get you over there. It isn't safe here."

"I don't care. Wanna stay with you."

"I know you do. But... you can't. It's my responsibility to look out for you."

"That's my responsibility," Lapis reminds her.

"Well you haven't been doing a great job. Not your fault though."

 _She's right._ So Lapis has no aggravated repercussion.

"Here... look," Peridot sighs, hanging her head. "If we go in a little bit, I'll spend the night there. Then I'll leave, fix with this whole ordeal as fast as possible, and come get you."

"When is 'a little bit'?"

"B... before the sun sets all the way."

"Good enough."

Finishing the tea, even though it's cooled by then, not freezing, Lapis sets the almost empty mug on the dresser. Not going to drink the backwash. She lays down, fumbling with the blankets until they sit as preferred. Peridot follows a moment later, asking if it's okay, and being pulled closer and nuzzled as a response. There are no words, no kisses. Just rest, and they both need it desperately. It's good enough for them.

Soon Lapis dozes off, sleeping away the memories of boats and water and coldness. It's easier than she remembers, with someone warming her up. Though Peridot doesn't sleep, too afraid of what will happen if she does, her body nearly gives into the temptation a few times. She stays strong though. Waking the other girl up after a while, before the sun even begins to dip below the horizon, not wanting to deal with the growling as they walk out the door. But Lapis isn't angry, nor is she happy to be awake. Very neutral, and it's starting to weird Peridot out. It isn't like her- not at all.

"Lapis?"

All she receives is an acknowledging hum.

"Lapis- is you being vague and distant... normal when this happens, or should I be worried?"

"I guess it's what happens. Still trying to recover."

"Right, okay..." Peridot pushes Lapis' still damp hair out of her face. It's stained her hand and the sheets. She doesn't care though. "Let's... let's get you something to eat. Sound good? Then we can work things out from there."

"Works for me."


	17. Fixed On Revenge, But Broken Inside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im tired.  
> wwwwwwooooo
> 
> theres a reason for the feels @ the end i promise

Stumbling through the city, they link arms, as customary. This time, they don't tell themselves it's because they don't want to get separated. It's true, but it's not the only reason. With her free hand, Peridot carries one of the two bags she had packed. Lapis carries the other. The walk feels a bit shorter than it normally might. Which is completely unfair. Both notice, but they don't say anything.  
Peridot is unsettled though. Something about her and Lapis' previous interaction seems off. Seems wrong.  
Once they arrive at Jasper's apartment, the sun is halfway gone. Peridot undoes their arms, knocking on the door, and it's answered fairly quickly. Jasper had been expecting them. She pulls the two in without a word, locking the door with an unamused expression.

"God finally. Took you long enough," Jasper finally speaks, huffing and sitting down on her couch. Peridot follows, dragging Lapis with her, as she is used to the atmosphere. Though, Peridot would be lying if she said she wasn't a bit uncomfortable. Considering the last time she was here.

"Well excuse us- someone didn't want to leave," She replies, glancing at Lapis. The girl looks down, trying to avoid judgement.

"Right... And _how_ long is she going to be here?"

"It shouldn't be more than three or four days. I plan on taking care of this as soon as possible."

"You... sure you wanna get involved with them? They're... really fucked up, man."

"Positive," Peridot nods. "You don't know the half of it."

"Speaking of which... what did you want to talk about?" Jasper looks quizzically at Lapis, surprisingly calm and uncharacteristic. She must be pretty serious. 

"Ah yes... um." Sneaking a look at Lapis too, Peridot cringes. "I'm not going to be vague when I try to say this, so I'm going to be upfront- Lapis shouldn't be in here while we discuss this."

Jasper quirks an eyebrow, but doesn't question it. "Fair. Take her up to the second bedroom, come down, and we'll talk."

* * *

 

After doing so, Peridot returns, and hurriedly informs Jasper of the things they hadn't known about Amber and Emerald. She describes, leaving out generous details, repeating the synopsis of Lapis' experience, not noticing the shudders and grimaces. With this new information, adding to their previous disgust, the two sit quietly, an absorb the information. Peridot a second time. Jasper remains patient, though if one looked closely, they'd notice repulsion.

"Those sick bastards..."

"I know-!"

"We can't let them get away with that- what the hell!" Jasper grouses, clenching her fist.

"What are we suppose to do about that- we can't get the police involved."

"Peridot- you can't go confront them about this."

"Wh- what? Why not?" Peridot asks, surprised of the sudden statement. "They're revolting!"

"Exactly- we can't have any way of knowing what they're going to do to you. Especially considering what I've just learned, I really don't think-"

"It _doesn't_ matter. I'm not going to let them... _get off_ on abusing her."

"You know what?" Jasper quips, crossing her arms. "You seem pretty set on this. So fine. If something happens to you, I'm not going to be happy."

Peridot rolls her eyes and looks out the window, sun finally gone. She's not walking home in the dark, and already promised to spend the night anyway. "By the way, I'm crashing at your place," she announces, standing up and heading towards the stairs.

"Where are you going to sleep?"

"With Lapis."

"Right. Should have seen that coming."

* * *

 Closing the door to the spare bedroom, Peridot finds that Lapis is already sitting on the bed. Her bags are neatly placed in the corner, likely nothing unpacked. The atmosphere... different. A bit strained and forced, it's not awkward, it's not uncomfortable. But it doesn't sit well with either of them.  
Peridot removes her shoes and sits on the bed next to Lapis, the bed is slightly smaller than the one she has at home. The blue girl doesn't look up, simply scooting over to accommodate for the extra person. The space is cramped. They're not sure if that'll be a problem.

"I don't have to stay the night if you don't want me to," Peridot offers, interrupting the silence.

"No, no- please," Lapis looks up. "Stay. P- please..."

"Okay- I will. J-" Stopping her mid-sentence, Lapis wraps her arms around Peridot's torso, head resting against her chest.

"Please be careful."

"I- I will."

"No," Lapis murmurs, tightening her grip. "You have to promise that you're gonna come back and get me. You have to promise."

"I promise."

"Look me in the eyes when you say that." Pulling away, she sits up. And the direct eye contact is more than enough to make Peridot a bit uncomfortable. She... she can't lie. Not to Lapis. Giving in, she sighs heavily.

"Lapis, I promise."

Killing a quite a few hours, they sit more comfortably, chatting aimlessly and trying to avoid talking about the inevitable. But, with it being the inevitable, they eventually have to talk about it. But to them, it's better than sleep. Because sleep leads to morning, and morning is when Peridot has to go. Neither of them want that. And even after showing the usual signs of fatigue; yawning, watery eyes, the urge to lay down- both ignore it and continue to push.  
It's Peridot who is the smarter of the two, suggesting they sleep, at one in the morning.  
Not feeling the need to argue, Lapis agrees drowsily, kicking the duvet back and tucking herself underneath it. Peridot follows, but not after switching off the light.  
At first, it's unpleasant, not being able to get comfortable without seriously taking up some of the others' space. Twisting and turning, trying not to bump into eachother, Peridot finds it to be ridiculous, because it's not like they haven't slept in the same bed before. She ends up saying "fuck it", which is almost always followed by a reckless, poorly thought out action.

Rolling her eyes, she reaches out and pulls Lapis close, encircling her with shaky arms. The bed can't be much bigger than a twin- she's not sure how they both fit. Lapis responds immediately, with a satisfied sigh, both more cozy in the new setup. Laying sideways, a hand draped over her waist, fingers grazing the small of her back, legs impossibly tangled together and a head tucked under her chin, Peridot can't help but think they fit together well. A bit too well. So well, perfect wouldn't be too far off.

* * *

 

When six AM rolls around, Peridot wakes up. Light just beginning to creep through the blinds, she decides it's a good thing, to be awake so early. She can slip away, not having to worry about Lapis, and- wait. Nevermind. The girl is latched tightly onto her, with an unmoving grip, snoring lightly. Peridot groans, being ever so careful when she lifts up her free arm, and tries prying the hands off of her. To no avail, naturally. She plucks at the fingers one at a time, easing them away until it's no longer a chore to roll over and stand up. But in doing so, an arm reaches out and snags the bottom of her shirt, causing her to stumble. Peridot turns around, looking at Lapis, who blinks sleep away.

"I- I'm sorry. I interrupted your rest."

"Where... where are you going?" Lapis tugs the other back onto the bed, Peridot perching on the edge, spinning to face the other.

"I need to leave."

"-No." In a moment that happens all too fast, Lapis sits up, the blankets coming with her. The rustling of the sheets makes up for the silence- they hang over Lapis' shoulders as she leans forward, determined to make Peridot stay. She grabs onto Peridot's wrist, before realizing it's probably too violent of an approach. Sliding her hand down on top of the others', Lapis gazes directly at her-... her what? What is Peridot to her?"Please don't."

"I- I have to." _She's doing it again._

_Doing what._

_Distracting you, so she gets her way._

_No she's not._

_Yes she is. She did it yesterday too- when she kissed you._

"Not now." _They're close. Too close. Not close enough. Too close. Not close enough._ "Can't you stay for just a little longer?" Lapis asks, leaning even closer, noses barely touching.

"I... I might be able to spare a few more minutes." _Damn, is she manipulating me? She is- isn't she. Sneaky. And I'm letting her get away with it too._

"Mmmm. Only a few minutes?"

"That's all you're getting from me," Peridot grins, tilting her head. "I know what you're doing."

Lapis falters. "Wh- what?"

"You..." Her grin falls. _What am **I** doing?_   "You're... you're just messing with me, so that I'll do what you want."

"What? N- no. I... I wasn't- I didn't mean... That wasn't my intention. I'm sorry if that's how I came off-"

"It's... it's exactly what you did yesterday?" Peridot leans back, crossing her arms, waiting for an explanation. 

"No- no I... I just," Lapis sighs. "I don't know how to go about dealing with my feelings, so I just play them off like that. Like, it's easy for me to look you in the eyes and do that but it's not. It's not Peridot. Because I don't want to get hurt, I don't know what you think of me- I..."

"So you... it wasn't fake when we kissed?" Peridot looks down, and grabs onto Lapis' hand, holding it up and intertwining their fingers. "It was real?"

"Yes. One hundred percent- I swear. I'm sorry."

_She's lying. It didn't mean anything._

She's glad they addressed that, though she doesn't believe it.

* * *

 

Peridot does stay for another half an hour, knowing Jasper likely won't be up until noon. But, it isn't the same. For the a part of that time, it's awkward and forced. Trying to make up for what she'd done wrong. Trying to recover from how she'd be wronged.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"It's not."

"Well, what are you going to do about it?"

"Can I make it up to you?"

"How and why would you do that?"

"I... Whatever it would take. Whatever you wanted," Lapis nods.

"I'll think about it while I'm gone," Peridot concludes, moving to stand up. But again, Lapis stops her, not thinking it through.

"Let's please... not end this on a bad note."

Seemingly against better judgement, Peridot makes a decision. She knows it's wrong and she knows it would be better to just go. To leave, and figure things out fast, and take time to herself. Because now she's hurting, in a bad way. And she's smart enough to know that if she lets herself act recklessly, she's going to make someone else hurt too. But for once, she lets go.  
Reaching out, Peridot threads one hand through Lapis' hair, the other leaning against the mattress. She moves forward, pressing their lips together, hoping. Hoping that it'll somehow take her hurt away. Somehow make the last month or so not matter. Make it disappear. Kissing Lapis with force, it's violent and passive-agressive, giving in to the urge to bite her bottom lip just once. And though Lapis can feel that- can feel that it's filled with broken hate and it hurts her heart- she kisses back anyway. Because if she doesn't, it'll hurt her even more. Because it isn't filled with caring and compassion. It isn't _love._ But what can she do.  
Lapis wraps her arms around her, locking her hands together behind Peridot's neck. And obviously, Peridot doesn't expect this, as she pulls her hand out of Lapis' hair, preparing to stop, because _what the fuck are they doing?  
_ Not letting her go, Lapis tugs Peridot closer, falling back onto the sheets. The taller girl hovers over her, too astounded to know what to do. They both take a breath, staring with confusion.

Really. What are they doing?

Peridot rocks forward, kissing her hungrily again. Because it's a distraction and it's so much easier than getting caught up in her thoughts. That if _you can't kiss her with love, you shouldn't be kissing her at all._ Because it's empty, unreal passion. The fire burns but instead of keeping you warm, it engulfs you and turns you to ashes.

_And you actually thought it meant something._

Stopping, Peridot leans back and rights herself, taking Lapis with her. The small girl unhooks herself without a word, awaiting anxiously for something. Anything. An explanation, movement- something other than nothing.

"Well now it's bittersweet," Peridot scoffs as she stands up, leaving the room.

Watching as her captor flees, a sob slowly, agonizingly slowly, builds up and gets caught in her throat. It's too late to say sorry. Because she can't take it back.


	18. Deal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I UPDATED TWICE IN ONE DAY AGAIN  
> SO MAKE SURE YOU'VE ALREADY READ CHAPTER 17 OOK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok idk about but this might be kind of triggering at the end w/ like abuse and that.
> 
> I track the tag 'shattered reflections' on tumblr  
> my tumblr is thegayfuchsia.tumblr.com feel free to contact me and scream at me for how much you hate this chapter

Huffing, Peridot stomps downstairs, and as she reaches the first floor, she stops. Glancing in the direction of the kitchen, her impulse control already beginning to wear thin. Without Lapis- she needs Lapis to keep her in check... Ugh!  
_It would be easy_ , she thinks, stepping over the threshold and approaching the fridge. _Just grab a case of beer and leave a ten in the fridge. No harm done._ It'd be easy to drink herself silly. But- no. _Stop. Take your hand off of the handle. Don't open the fridge._ Peridot doesn't listen.

Except, well, the next time she does. But it's a different voice that speaks. A new one. One she's never heard before.  
And although it says the same thing, _don't do it,_ it's oddly chilling. Because the voice sounds a lot like Lapis Lazuli. Even though it's still inside of her head.

Her hand falls off of the handle and she backs away, stepping out of the kitchen, and out of the apartment. Out of the corner of her eye, as she passes down the main hallway, she catches a glimpse of blue as it ducks, hiding behind the banister. Anger and guilt consume Peridot in that moment, but she pushes the latter away. Knowing she's not the only one at fault. Exiting the building, she closes the door with a little more force than necessary, mumbling loudly to 'lock the door' in case Lapis is listening. And Lapis does as she's indirectly instructed to. Disappearing into her temporary room shortly after, and spending a good hour weeping into a pillow. Gone without even an apology.

And they'll both grow to regret it later.

* * *

 

Once at home, Peridot slams the door. It rattles, shaking the room, causing a few things on her desk to topple over. This just agitates her even more. Letting out a frustrated sigh, Peridot clenches her fists together. She screams, storming around her small apartment, careful not to do anything she'll regret later. At least she's being smart about her anger. But she needs something to hit. Something else to hurt.

Someone.

_Them._

Peridot spins around, prepared to head right back out and kick ass, but she stops.

_You need a plan._

Okay, okay. Sit down, and think it out before you go charging in there. Right.  
Emerald's nose is probably, more than likely, broken. She can't go to the hospital- can she? Maybe. So if she's in the hospital, which is unlikely, I won't have to deal with her. And that leaves Amber. But she's stronger than me, even if she is shorter. So I'd probably have to jump on her immediately to even stand a chance. But, if Emerald isn't in the hospital, it wouldn't be hard to subdue her anyway. Just, hit her nose again. Okay, okay. Do I need a gun- no. A knife... considered.  
First, consider negotiating with them?  
Okay.

Now, a bit calmer, Peridot searches her desk, pushing aside papers and empty bottles and food wrappers, successfully finding her pocket knife. And after she checks to make sure it opens easily, as the name implies, she puts it in her pocket. Moving to the door, Peridot hesitates once again. _Is there anything else that might come in handy?_  
Drugs. As a bribe. Digging through a pile of hoodies and sweatshirts, she unearths the jacket she had worn on her last trip. The bag hasn't even been opened. It's as good as anything.

She exits the apartment, and begins the walk over to where she knows bad things will happen. But she couldn't possibly have known how bad.

* * *

The walk is hard. Her mind races, implanting some rather... less than enjoyable thoughts. _If... if I can just do this. We can go back to how it was. We... we can- right? If I can just do this, I'll pick Lapis us, and everything will be okay. Lapis won't be upset with me. There's no reason to be upset with her, she- she had to be telling the truth, right? She wouldn't lie to me..._

Ah yes, the third stage of grief. Bargaining. She's not excited for the next stage, hoping it holds off for a little longer.

They don't live in a house, really. Because they're so infamous, so renowned for being intimidating, obnoxious, but not to be messed with, they have privilege. A back section of a club, not so easily accessible. That is, if you don't know how to get there. It's rumored to have been built just for them, though she's not sure how true that is. It could very well be, seeing as it has a basement. An entrance from outside, an entrance from inside. Peridot knows, because she's been there before. Back when she was young, naive, new to the business. She figured a job was a job. Sell to whoever you could get.  
That's still mostly true. Sell to whoever you can get, except them. Except Emerald and Amber.

Being proactive, Peridot enters through the back, planning ahead just by chance someone does get... killed. No one will have seen her go in. If she kills one of them, they wouldn't have seen her go in. If they kill her... then it'll be easier for them to cover it up.

Peridot gulps, squaring her shoulders, and knocking on the door.

_Wow, real smart. Just knock on the fucking d-_

The door creaks open, a small eye peeking through the crack. But upon seeing the visitor, the eye widens, and the door swings all the way open, violently smacking against the wall.

 _"You?!"_ Amber. Of course. "What are _you_ doing here? I'll wreck y-"

"Amber-! Be nice," Calls a slightly nasally voice, as it grows louder, its owner moving towards the entrance. It's Emerald, naturally. Holding an icepack to her nose, the skin red, bruised, and swollen. Her eyebrows raise, but it's not surprise or anger. It's... oh god. Peridot doesn't want to think it, but mischievous, and welcoming. "Oh, Peridot~ Nice to see you," Her voice is sickeningly sweet and thick, dripping like honey, and it makes Peridot gag. Emerald pushes her partner aside, making a path. "Come, come. You're letting the cold air in."

It's uncharacteristic in all the wrong ways. She's being too nice. But, Peridot steps inside, hands in her pockets, gripping the knife with white knuckles.

"So what brings you here?"

"I think you know that..." Peridot tests, looking around awkwardly. The place hasn't changed much, but she isn't sure how _welcome_ she actually is. So she doesn't push her luck by sitting down on the couch. But Amber, who is at home, plops down and crosses her arms, giving Peridot a rather nasty glare.

"Oh, but I was afraid it wouldn't be about that," Emerald pouts, shutting the door.

"I'm sorry to disappoint, but unfortunately, no."

"Well, nothing we can do about that- _right_ Amber?" She grins forcefully at her friend, looking in between the two people who occupy the room.

Amber huffs, plastering on a fake smile and nodding. "Right, right. In fact, we had a discussion about this earlier- didn't we."

Nodding in agreement, the tallest sits down on the couch, leaving some space in between her and Amber. "That's right- we **_did_**. I _hope_ you haven't forgotten what we talked about."

Whatever they're referencing, Peridot isn't sure she wants to know. But there seems to be some tension. "Come," Emerald interrupts Peridot's thought process, patting the seat between her and her friend. "Sit, sit. We can talk like civilized human beings. And maybe come to some agreement."

Taking a seat, Peridot is shrouded by an uncomfortable, hostile vibe on her left, and a scarily sweet vibe on her right. The two sides pull, looking to win her attention. _Guess they don't agree on everything- huh._

"So Peridot, what exactly did you want to discuss?" The kinder asks, setting the icepack down. It's a gruesome sight, and Peridot is led to believe she's showing it for a reason.

"I... I'm sorry- wait no. I'm not. What you did was wrong. We don't stand for that kind of thing- even if what we do is illegal."

"And you've come to... what. Take revenge?" Her fake smile falls, replaced with an unimpressed expression, lips pulling into a thin line.

"Something like that..."

"We'll have you know," Amber hisses, inspecting her hands. "You can't fight us. Two on one? Please."

The attitude makes her fume, but she pushes it down. _No, no. Just, try to get along before you resort to violence._

_This wasn't your original plan at all, dumbass._

_I know, I know. Things turned out differently. Shut up._

"I'm well aware," Peridot deadpans, screwing her mouth to the side. "It was my first intention, if I'm being honest..." Her grip tightens on the knife. "But, I appreciate that we can be civil, even though, and please take no offense, I often feel the urge to upchuck my lunch whenever I see you."

"Not offended, in the slightest. I am personally flattered," Emerald takes over again, giving her partner a look that says _don't fuck this up._ And Peridot can only wonder what that means.

"Anyway, I... I want something from you."

"And what would that be?"

"You're... you're aware that I have strong ties with Yellow Diamond," Peridot starts cautiously. The eyebrows go up again, but there is no move to interrupt their guest. "And you're not dumb. Abuse is wrong, and because now I'm responsible for Lapis Lazuli, I really can't stand for what you've done."

"Is that a threat?"

"M- Maybe. But here's the deal..."

Amber eyes Emerald, a glint of excitement and... and _knowing_ in their expressions. "Go on... We love deals," they coo in unison.

Peridot shudders. "I know you've got a lot of power. I respect that. But everyone knows what is morally wrong. So... because of your position, I'd feel inclined to say... you pay me an extra... five thousand a month. I won't speak a word of your wrong doings, and I won't 'seek revenge'. I need the money, and you need me to stay quiet."

_Fuck- what are you doing?_

_Lying of course._

The false promise rolls too smoothly off of her tongue. 

Emerald pauses, considering the idea, and then stands up, pulling Amber up off the couch too. She mumbles an 'excuse us', and they vanish into a back room.

_Bad. Get out now._

_What- no? I have something to do._

_Get out._ It's that new voice... The one from earlier that morning- the one that sounds like Lapis. _Get out right now you need to leave._

_What? Wh-_

They step back into the room, smiling eerily.

_Fuck._

Approaching the couch, the lift Peridot up, each taking an arm. They guide her away from the back door, away from the living room, and into a doorway.  
"Well," Amber starts. "We would _love_ to consider your offer, really."

"But there's just... one, tiny little problem," Emerald finishes, grinning expectantly.

Peridot is afraid to ask. "What's that?"

"You're forgetting something."

_What- oh. Oh fuck._

"If we recall, _you_ were the one that started the fight at Jasper's- now weren't you?"

Peridot nods, eyes darting back and forth. _Fuck, fuck, fuck._

"You really did a good job of... punching me in the nose." Emerald's tone of voice hints to something- that she's actually still furious. They both are. They had planned this before she even walked in- fuck. _Fuck._  
"Which means... I could have very well ended up in the hospital. You were this close to breaking the bone," She adds, gesturing a small amount with her pointer finger and thumb. "Which means... it would have been _your fault_ if Yellow Diamond's branch had been exposed. Every one of you, including Yellow Diamond herself, thrown in the slammer. Because _someone_ was a hothead, and got a little too offended at the insult _whore."_

 _Fuckfuckfuckfuck._ Peridot tries to tug out of their grip, yanking her arm back, but they'd planned ahead. Holding too tightly for her to escape.

"Yellow Diamond wouldn't be happy with you if she found out, now would she?"

"I don't think so," Amber muses, answering the question.

"Probably more upset than if she found out about a small, insignificant case of abuse that didn't even last a year, and took place in a department _other than her own_ , no less. She has no control over us- we work under White Diamond. Remember?"

 _Right, fuck._ "O.... Okay. Fine. You're right. So, no deal then: okay. Let me go." Peridot tries tugging her arm free again, but it's held in place.

"Oh, no. You see, we're quite... generous, and we're willing to come to compromise."

"What... what kind of compromise?"

"You, see... we want something from you. In return for not selling you out to Yellow Diamond," They both hum, speaking at the same time and it makes her stomach churn.

"What do you want from me?"

"Well... we've been awful bored and lonely. Ever since we sold our _little toy_ away, and she ended up with you, we've had nothing to do. We needed the money, but were devastated to give her away- we hardly got to have any fun with her."

"I'm not giving Lapis back to you," Peridot spits, heart racing, fight or flight kicking in.

"We never said anything about Lapis," They purr. Peridot, frozen with fear, watches in pure horror as Emerald releases her grip. She steps out of Peridot's field of vision, wrapping her arms around the other from behind, interlocking her hands together, hanging loosely against Peridot's stomach, resting her chin on Peridot's shoulder. The hair on Peridot's neck stands straight up, a chill shooting down her spine as Emerald whispers something she _n_ _ever_ thought she'd hear.

"We want you."


	19. Wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IM SORRY BUT THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR GETTING THIS FIC TO 4K READS. THIS IS YOUR GIFT. IM HORRIBLE IM SORRY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LITEARLLLLY THIS CHAPT ERI SSS SOOOO SICK AND ITS  
> honestly really triggering  
> sexual slavery- dub/con higher than lowkey so i apologize. if it triggers you, don't read this chapter.  
> I dont condone it. at all.

At this, Peridot immediately reels back- or in this case, forward. Though, not sure what she was expecting, they both have a death grip on her. Hauling her back, maybe even closer this time, Emerald sighs, faking sadness. Peridot grapples in their hold, panicking and fidgeting, trying to get away. She rotates her body, and with her one free arm, she tries detaching the hands that are laced around her torso. Emerald just clicks her tongue, not at all phased by her fight, or the scratching and hitting.

"My, my, my. Are you so sure? That's very offensive."

"Positive, let me go-!"

Amber's grip on her left arm tightens, fingernails digging into the skin, she twists Peridot's arm. Letting out a mangled screech, the trapped girl coils away, but quickly realizes her efforts are in vain. She isn't going to get out. Still, that doesn't stop her from struggling for a few more moments, uttering pathetic pleas, begging to be released. Her mind racing, Peridot begins to breath heavily, and even though something happens, there's movement and Amber lets go, stepping away from the situation, Peridot still can't find it in herself to calm down.

"Relax, relax," Emerald croons. "You're working yourself up for no reason."

" _No **reason?!**_ " Peridot shrieks, her voice shrill.

"Well, you certainly _are_ being overdramatic."

Arguing, Peridot resists, though she is well aware of what's happening. By that time though, it's already too late. She's painted herself into a corner- too tired to struggle, fatigue intrudes, weighing her limbs down, until she swears they are lead. Until she swears they are metal. And Emerald, throughout the entire tantrum, stands patiently, waiting for Peridot to wear herself out.  
Going limp, Peridot comes to a realization. _This is how Lapis felt. But for nearly a year. Pushing herself to survive- she's tougher than I could have imagined._

"What exactly do you want with me?" Peridot whines, peering at Emerald, who is having no difficulty holding the other girl up.

"Oh I'm so glad you're willing to negotiate- ecstatic! But first, sit," Emerald guides her over to the couch, legs shaking, ready to collapse. "It requires a focused mind, which you probably don't posses, due to your hysteria."

"I'm glad my trepidation hasn't gone unnoticed."

"Nonsense. Take time and recollect yourself."

Doing so, Peridot exhales unsteadily, her breath having gotten warped and short.  
_I didn't even think to bring my cellphone. I'm a moron.  
_ Though in her defense, the possibility of needing it was forgotten in her rage. She's completely baffled as to how that could slip her mind though. Taking a few more deep breaths, Peridot calms herself, closing her eyes, and tying to block out her current predicament. But, it's inevitable.

She opens her eyes, turning to Emerald.

"Are you well enough to begin?" She inquires.

"As well as I'm going to get, for the time being," Peridot confirms.

"Wonderful-"

"I... know it's a bit much to expect. And I know I don't really have a choice-" At this, the two partners grin. "But, would you be willing to listen to my... conditions?"

"We aren't unreasonable. Go right ahead."

"For starters, I've got four days to spare," Peridot starts, making a list on her fingers. "Four days, nobody will notice I'm gone. Is- is that an acceptable time slot?"

"All things considered, yes, that's acceptable." Emerald glances up a Amber, making eye contact. They seem to discuss something, even though no words are shared, and they come to a conclusion fairly quickly. "Two days. That's all we want. Next condition?"

"Go easy on me?"

"Medium," Emerald shoots back.

"Wh- what?"

"We'll go 'medium' on you. Not easy."

Peridot swallows. "Fair enough."

"Anything else?"

"I'm just curious as to what this will entail... Will I be granted mobility?"

"Freedom to walk around is a privilege, earned by good behavior. Though, you're off to an exceptional start, so I wouldn't worry too much. Besides, it'll go fast. You'll likely be too tired to walk," Emerald ruffles her hair, and this earns her a discreet eyeroll. 

"What are you going to do to me?"

"Whatever we feel like."

"I'm not sure how okay I am with th-"

"Well, unfortunately darling, that's not something we're so easily swayed on. You don't get a say in that."

Shivering, Peridot nods. "Okay, okay. And, if I do this, you... you won't say anything?"

"And we won't bother you or Lapis again. That _was_ our deal. Was it not?"

"Can I ask you to _not..._ do things like this in the future? To other people." It's the least she can do, for other people, who are as unfortunate like Lapis. Preventing it from happening again.

"Hm, I don't think so... We- we're kind of set in our ways," Emerald giggles, which, again, makes Peridot want to vomit. Amber steps away from her position by the door, taking a new place on the couch, on the other side of Peridot.

She's... she's not looking forward to this.

"I can't persuade you on that? At all?"

"What could you possibly offer?" Amber scoffs.

_Don't say it._

_Why not? If it'll help other people, I'd do it._

_You don't know what you're signing up for with them._

"After this blows over... whenever you're feeling particularly... criminal... just- call me. I'll take it for them instead."

**_No!_ **

They exchange a look, Emerald grinning while Amber frowns.

"What if we get bored with her?" Amber questions, borderline snarling.

"Oh, hush you. I like that idea!"

"But what if we call her, and she can't come?" This receives a childish snicker in return.

"Then that's an extra day she has to stay here."

_Wait- what?_

_See- look what you've gotten yourself into!_

_I-_

**_Them!_ ** _I specifically warned you not to get involved with them!_

"You can discuss this later-" Peridot interrupts, pausing their argument. "It was merely a suggestion. Can we just... get this over with?"

"No need to put it so sourly," Emerald leans forward, pinching Peridot's cheek. "I think you'll have fun." She retracts her hand, but extends it again. Open, sideways- a handshake. Is that what she's looking for? "Do we have your consent? Is it a deal?"

 _No-! This isn't what you came here for- Peridot **don't shake her hand!**_  
"Yeah," She goes against her better judgement, shaking the hand. "You have my consent."

* * *

After being lead down to the basement, which is a lot nicer than she assumed it would be- and that's probably not a good thing- Peridot is stripped, physically, then emotionally. It's completely humiliating, having to walk around in the lack of attire, and again, she finds herself comparing it to how Lapis must have felt.  
They instruct her to sit on the bed, and she immediately begins to cover herself up with the blanket. Even though she's not completely nude, it's a severe invasion of privacy, and it's a bit out of her comfort zone.   
Though this is chastised, and Peridot drops the sheet, knowing it's better not to argue. But she's a bit surprised at how quickly it took to get in trouble. Oh god- it's really weird. How did Lapis do it?

 

They baby her, insisting she shouldn't be worried about hiding herself. She has nothing to be ashamed of. And that strikes an odd chord.

Then, the two go on to read rules.

"Do what we tell you, when we tell you. Don't question anything. Don't resist. Don't speak unless spoken to. Address us as Ma'am and Miss respectively."

_Oh my god- they really do get off on this._

Along with some other rules, Peridot doesn't feel comfortable listening to. How can they talk about... _that_ with such a straight face?! She's in over her head.

"And if you have any objections: keep them to yourself. We don't want to hear them."

* * *

She's made a mistake. A horrible mistake.  
As if being beaten to the ground was worse than it- she would have taken a losing fight in a heartbeat if she had know _this_ was what they meant. If she had know _this_ was what they did.

 

After briefly returning back upstairs, they had left Peridot to herself. They confiscated her clothes- stopping at the discovery of a knife. _"Tsk, tsk, tsk. We can't have that. Oh dearie you weren't honestly going to try to fight us, were you?"_  
But when they return, things escalate quickly.

Generously skipping details, now is a better place to start.

Peridot watches- no. Peridot can't even watch. They cuff her to the wall, hands hanging above her head. And she's sure this is the exact place Lapis once stood. They open a closet, and she nearly passes out. It is even legal to own all of that- certainly not Texas. And knowing they having no intention of going easy, Peridot feels bile rise in her throat. It's stings, the acid leaving a foul taste in her mouth. But it's a better taste than the once that manifests when Emerald presents something, smiling too kindly and- _oh my god is that going in me that's literally a foot in length._

_Suck it up- you... you agreed to this. You can do it. Suck it up._

Even though it's set aside, it's all Peridot can worry about. As they grope her, feeling her up, touching her in places that cause her to bite her lip because it feels so  _wrong._ Forcing her eyes shut, Peridot can't watch. She can't or it'll make her ill. She hopes at least they're having fun. 

Emerald, and it's obvious by now that she's the leader of the two, instructs her to relax. But how is she suppose to relax when her body rejects everything, standing on her toes, back scraping against the wall because it's trying to hard to move away but it can't. So when Peridot doesn't comply, her eyes flutter open, practically rolling back in her head as two fingers are pressed forcefully inside. She chokes out a pathetic sob, handcuffs digging into her wrists, more than likely cutting the skin.  
And as they start moving she doubles over, knees buckling, telling herself to be strong. It'll be over soon because she hasn't done anything like this in a while. It won't last long. She won't last long. Peridot grits her teeth, holding back more tears. But when something else enters her- something that is so _wrong,_ something that isn't fingers, she shoots up, arching her back, powerless- she blacks out. Not actually, because when it's done, she'll remember it vividly, it'll haunt her dreams for months, possibly even years. But her mind falters, stops working, stops processing things the way it should. She can see, but it's not through her own eyes. She can hear, but it's distant and muffled. And she can feel herself twist and struggle against the restraints, but it isn't her. It isn't her moving.

It's as though she's on autopilot, and everything goes dizzy and it's hot. Burning hot. And when she surfaces again, they're gone.

And she feels so, so _wrong._

* * *

 

That's all she sees of them for that day. And sometime in between, she'd been released from the chains, and made her way onto the bed. It's hot, but cold as she pulls the covers over herself, not bothering to inspect the damage. She can feel it, inside and out.

And in the morning, they act like nothing happened. Emerald is just as sickeningly sweet, and Amber is just as stubborn.

Peridot has no way of telling time, and she thinks that's probably a good thing. They'll let me go in less than forty eight hours. That much, she's sure.

And the next instance they attack, Peridot swears is torture. They drag it out as long as possible, knowing just what to touch, knowing just what to do, so that it sends Peridot into more hysteria. Her eyes tightly shut, she feels a hand on the side of her face, in her hair, tugging her head up. She's laying down now, but it doesn't make things any more bearable. 

"Open your eyes," Emerald instructs. And so she does. Because it's part of their deal- she agreed to the rules. Tears gliding down Peridot's cheeks, the two find it to be a rather attractive sight. Of course they would.  
Something moves inside of her, tilting her head back and shutting her eyes again in a silent scream.

Her head is tugged up again. "Keep your eyes open."

And so she does.

"Pl... ease."

"Please, what?"

"Please l- let m- ahh-" Her voice catches in her throat. Forced to beg.

Peridot loses track- it's easily four rounds. If not more. They take turns fucking her senseless- literally, because her brain stops responding again- and eventually she grows numb. Numb to the pain, numb to the pleasure, because it isn't that. It's just a deal. A business transaction.

And she can't believe she let herself agree to this.

And the next morning, they come back, smiling. Returning her clothes, the knife too, but of course, not the drugs, telling her she's free to go. Peridot dresses herself, and shakily walks upstairs. She trips and falls a few times, her body giving out. She gives them a weak nod, which they return, and bids them farewell. But first, makes it explicitly clear she takes back her second offer, never wanting to come back.  
To which they both respond that they aren't surprised, and they suspected it.

And Peridot returns home, spending two days sitting in silence, taking so many showers because she feels filthy. Because Jasper was right- what was she thinking?!

Feeling the complete opposite of how she wanted to- instead of successful, she's just made matters worse. Nothing got better.

She spends two days crying because she'll have to face Lapis, knowing that her promise was broken.


	20. Hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mostly dialogue. important tho.  
> im sorry for the last update i rlly am i cried while writing it  
> also @ the lapidot council  
> fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffck u thanks you guys ily

At least it's over.

On the fourth and final day, Peridot knows she's going to have to face her friends. She's smart, well, maybe. She knows it won't be the last time she sees Emerald and Amber, and she fears the next time she sees them, she might actually vomit. Especially when their names now cause bile to rise up in her throat and her eyes to water.

That didn't happen before.

Peridot drags herself out of bed, and out of the apartment. She doesn't remember the walk, doesn't know how long it took, but, eventually, she ends up at Jasper's apartment. Pushing the door open without knocking, because it's unlocked and that's what she expected, Peridot finds Jasper sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. The door is shut, Peridot's stomach growls, and she wordlessly makes her way over to the table, pulls a chair out, and sits down.

"You look like shit," Jasper remarks, setting her cup down.

Peridot lets out a guttural groan, slamming her head down on the table. "I got wrecked," she mutters, tugging at her hair.

"You got... wrecked?"

"Yes!" Peridot screeches, head snapping up and hitting the table with clenched fists. "I. got. wrecked! I was foolish and brash and angry and didn't think things through, and because of my reckless actions, I made the stupidest deal I could have possibly made, and I got destroyed!"

"Keep your voice down- I want to know what happened, but I can hear you just fine, and Lapis is still asleep. Dude, it's like six in the morning."

The smaller of the two growls, taking a moment to compose herself, then continues with a lower volume. "Fine, fine."

"Now, what exactly did they do? What happened?"

At the simple mention of _they,_ Peridot covers her mouth, forcing vomit back where it came from. She coughs. "I forgot how influential they could be. They... I, I tried a civil approach because I knew I wouldn't be able to fight them, but- god. They reminded me I was this close to exposure and... I couldn't."

"You... couldn't?"

"I had to go along with them! Had to do whatever they wanted because they threatened to rat me out to Yellow Diamond because of what happened at the party!"

"They were going to do that? You almost outed two branches! Possibly all four- what the hell- Peridot. You didn't think of that? You know Yellow Diamond would have had you killed on the spot!"

"I _know,_ " Peridot seethes, gripping the edge of the table so tightly her knuckles turn white. "I was being stupid- I was angry."

" _What on Earth_ could have made you so angry that you lost y-" Jasper stops in the middle of her sentence, glancing at something out of the corner of her eye. She starts again, with a hushed voice. "So angry that you didn't think things through- you always think things through."

Resting her forehead on the wooden surface, Peridot whines. "I'm not that stupid. And I know you're there Lapis, you can come out- god Jasper. Could you be less discreet about something?"

From the direction Jasper had been eying, Lapis steps out from behind the wall, padding down the hallway with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. It drags along the ground, likely becoming very dirty, but if Jasper cares, she doesn't show.

"Nice to see you, Lapis," Jasper muses, giving Peridot a rude glare as soon as her head is up off the table.

Lapis simply nods, raising her eyebrows at the girl who's been missing for a few days.

"She hasn't spoken a word. Not a single word," Jasper elaborates, gesturing for Lapis to come closer. "Nothing, for four days. Is that what made you angry? Did something happen that I- was that why she was crying?"

 _Fuck._ Hostility manifests quickly, filling the room and suffocating Peridot. Tension so thick it can be cut with a knife. She cringes, trying to figure out how to word an apology, or even just explain it without making Jasper angry. Peridot knows she's in the wrong, and so was Lapis, but more Peridot than not. Rubbing the back of her neck, she averts her gaze, coughing out her response.  
"Y- yes. I did something I shouldn't have, and I was upset with myself. In hindsight, I guess I did kind of deserve what happened to me."

_Yeah you did. You deserved that._

_I know._

_You deserve to let them do it again._

_I **know.**_

"You made her cry? Peridot what the hell?" Jasper grouses through clenched teeth.

"I- I would take it back if I could. I'm sorry," She tries, looking up at the girl. There is conflict, it flashes obviously across her otherwise neutral face. Something she wants to say, but won't. She says nothing.  
It sends a sharp pain through Peridot, a hollow ache that _she isn't even talking to me._ _I really fucked up._

"Whatever happened," Jasper breaks through her internal monologue, glancing between the two. "you need to figure it out, and fix it. I'm not involved, so I'm not going to mediate. But I don't care what it takes- just. Get on better terms."

"I- I'll try-"

"Lapis, do me a favor," Jasper interrupts yet again. "Go upstairs, make sure you have everything packed. Do everything you need to do- don't come down unless I get you."

Lapis nods, retreating up the stairs, blanket trailing behind her. Peridot swallows a knot in her throat.

"Perid-"

"I _know,_ okay! I  _ **know!** "_ She hisses, crossing her arms. "I know I fucked up- It's not something I'll be forgetting any time soon!"

"What happened- Peridot do... do you even care about her?"

"Wh- what?! Of course I do- what kind of a question is that?"

"Are you sure?" Jasper scoffs. She's unimpressed and not happy, at all. "Doesn't seem like you do. You really hurt her, whatever you did. I don't think you care as much as y-"

"I got my ass handed to me." Peridot stands up, so quickly that the chair flies slides back and nearly tips over. She points an accusing finger in Jasper's face, squinting her eyes. "You think I don't care? You don't know the _hell_ I just experienced- two days, stuck in their basement-" In her rant, she describes it in vivid detail. Not being generous, not leaving a single thing out. It doesn't fluster her, doesn't embarrass her, she's so caught up in explaining it, she forgets to breath. Face red, Peridot takes a moment to stop only after she's explained everything, inhale, and sit back down. "And really... what hurts the most to me _isn't_ that I'm scarred. Because I am- I woke up six times the other two nights... Because I saw Emerald staring at me. Because she put her grubby hands in my hair and forced me to keep my eyes open. What hurts the most _isn't_ that I know I'm going to have to live with the memories for the rest of my life- what hurts me the most, is that... that's what they could have done to Lapis," Peridot deflates. Finally breaking down, holding her head in her hands. "They could have done that to her every day for nearly a year. And I would have been powerless- oblivious- I wouldn't have been able to do anything."

And it's true.

A bit too astounded to even respond, Jasper observes silently, but eventually clears her throat. "You should talk to Lapis."

"She doesn't want to hear what I have to say."

"I'm sure she does. Even if she's still upset with you- she hasn't had a real conversation in four days. Plus, she cares about you."

"I made her _cry-_ "

"She can still care about if she's upset. Both can be true. Come on."

* * *

Jasper hauls her friend upstairs, and after muttering something to Lapis, she shoves Peridot in the room, closing the door behind her. And she must be sitting against the door or holding it closed, because when Peridot moves to leave it won't open. She growls, her back to Lapis, pushing against the barrier.

"I'm not going to talk to her if you're sitting out there listening- you- ugh!" Kicking the door with pent up frustration, Peridot waits a moment to hear a faint laugh, and then rustling, and then she assumes Jasper is gone. And then they're alone again.  
Hesitantly and cautiously, Peridot spins around to face Lapis- the girl is swaddled up in the comforter, and she... _she's afraid?_

_She's afraid of me._

"I'm sorry."  
It's the first thing she's said in a while. The first two words Lapis says- and they're 'I'm sorry'. It splits Peridot's heart in two. Four days and the entire time she was worried about apologizing. As though it even mattered. Four days Lapis believed it was her fault.

"No, no, no- Lapis," Peridot chokes out. _Fuck don't cry._ "I- I didn't mean to... It's not your fault-"

"Yes it is."

"It's not." Moving to sit on the bed, Peridot asks if it's okay. If it's okay for her to even be this close. If she's allowed to be near. And she is, of course, because Lapis is a saint and she isn't mad. She forgives too easily.

"But it is Peridot-"

" _No, it's not._ Quit saying that."

This shuts her up. It shuts them both up.  
They sit in silence because Lapis doesn't know what to say. And Peridot doesn't know what else to tell her. She isn't going to tell Lapis about what happened- her mind was set on that as soon as she shook Emerald's hand. Lapis doesn't know, and she won't know. Ever.

"I was wrong," She finally says. "I was the one at fault, not you. I hurt you, because I felt hurt."

"So I hurt you-" Lapis starts, but Peridot is fast to cut her off.

"That... maybe. I just... I was so caught up in 'so she doesn't love me'... that I thought 'so I don't love her'."

"L..."

"Yes, love," Peridot mumbles, focusing on something other than the person next to her. "I thought... If I was going to hurt because of how I felt about you... I was going to hurt you too. Because I was selfish and I didn't want to hurt alone. A- and I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that."

"I did."

"N- no, Lapis. I pushed you away. Because you didn't like me, and I didn't want to get hurt anymore than I already was. I didn't want you to have to power to hurt me. Because if you kept manipulating me like that, one day, I would have had to come to terms with that- that this beautiful girl... this... this beautiful girl with _beautiful_ blue eyes a- and the prettiest smile I've ever seen... and she smiles even though it hurts but it still lights up the room- this beautiful girl that I like doesn't actually like me. She's just using me. And I decided that I would rather just... be alone again."

"I- I wasn't using you... I... wasn't actively trying to."

"It doesn't matter- what happened... happened. And there's nothing either of us can do to change that."

Taking this into consideration, Lapis is silent. Then, with noticeably shaking hands, she reaches up and holds both sides of Peridot's face. Her hands continue to shake, so Peridot raises her own hand and covers one to steady it. To steady Lapis.

"Are you okay Peridot?"

"No."

The hands feel so out of place... just... resting on her face- it feels wrong. Because whose hand was there a few nights ago. Tugging at her hair a- and-

"Peridot."

"Yes?"

"What happened to you?"

And that's it. She's gone.  
Tears flow seemingly from out of the blue. They run down her cheeks and pool along their hands and Peridot tries to breath but she can't. She's a mess and she's already cried over this. Two days prior just constant crying but, somehow it's different. Before it was numbing, and now it's just so hard. Because she can't look at Lapis, because she's a mess and her mind is racing. Remembering everything that happened. But the girl keeps her grounded, affirming words that of course- only she would know to say. Since she's just too good at everything. And Peridot is so sick of crying that she pulls away, forcing the hands off of her face- pushing Lapis away. She's so, so sick of crying. She's so, so sick of it. Sick of it. And she hates it because she knows it's going to happen much more now. Maybe even everyday. Because green eyes smiling staring into green eyes sobbing is something she'll never be able to forget. And Peridot thinks that she doesn't want to live if she has to live through that.

Lapis lets her. She lets Peridot push her away. She lets Peridot cry until she hiccups and there are no tears left. And when she can't cry anymore, she's beside herself not knowing what to do. She looks to Lapis for a clue- but why would Lapis know what to do? And Lapis wordlessly opens her arms and Peridot latches onto her and they both topple over onto the bed.

Peridot still feels like crying. She squeezes her eyes shut and Lapis pulls the covers over them both and it's warm. It's warm and soft and comforting and she's tired. And so as Lapis idly runs a hand through her hair, murmuring sweet nothings, Peridot falls asleep, and she dreams of blue. Not green.


	21. Interlude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gggod the Lapidot skype group chat is so intimating im afraid to talk in it oooomg
> 
> also holy shit fan art. 
> 
> i hang fan art above my bed jsyk lmao

_Tapping her pencil on the paper, Peridot scowls. Tests are so dumb. They don't even test your ability to learn, but your ability to memorize. Not that she doesn't have the ability to memorize things, because she does. But she always found the idea of tests to be so trival. She doesn't even remember studying for this one. Giving in, and deciding that she should at least try to pass, Peridot looks down at her paper once again, bringing the pencil up to her mouth to bite or chew on. But something's wrong.  
_

_She doesn't understand- why... why can't she read it? Is... is it in some sort of foreign language?  
The characters jumble together, forming phrases and patterns she can't understand. She's not even certain it's English- but what else could it be? Those... they look like English characters. But, at the same time, they don't. Peridot looks up once more, scanning the room for a source of help. Perhaps she walked into the wrong class. But now... she's not in the same room. The walls have compressed, making the area smaller. There are no other students around her, no teachers, no desks. It's dark, but she can see. What's going on? There doesn't even appear to be a door. _

_Eyes darting down to the test, she only finds that the test isn't there anyone. It's not on the desk... where... where did it go? It's been replaced. A gun. A hammer. And... her pocket knife._

_"Choose." Who was that?_

_"What? Who..."_

_Choose. They said choose. Choose what- one?_

**_Pick the knife._ **

_What?_

**_You heard me. Pick the knife._ **

_It's Lapis' voice. So she picks up the knife._

_And then she's falling._

_And then she's running. Someone's chasing her. Down a long, winding road, cracked asphalt, and it's foggy. And it smells like the ocean. Squinting forward, tightly gripping the knife, breathing ragged, Peridot searches for the sea. It has to be close. She can smell it... it's windy. It- she trips, toppling over, falling face first into the concrete. Peridot goes down with a thud, scraping her hands and cracking her glasses. The world flips and she's dizzy. And then her pursuer is right on top of her. And she has green eyes._

_Peridot blinks and suddenly she's in a glass box. No scratch that- it's mirrors. They're mirrors. A hammer would have come in handy. Violently kicking the walls, she screams in frustration. Get  out. I need to get out. She kicks vigorously, the mirrors shaking as well as her reflection. And with one kick it breaks. It splits. Cracked pieces of the mirror- shattered pieces of her reflection fall to the ground with unusually no sound. It's silent._

_She looks down and it's wooden. Standing on an elevated pier. Gazing out over the ocean. The waves are high, tidal, raging with force, rocking a boat. And Lapis. And Emerald and Amber. On the boat. They grab Lapis by the arm, who is tied up, hoist her over the boat_

_and they drop her._

Jolting up, Peridot looks around frantically. The room is poorly lit. Is... it was just a dream. She knows, but it doesn't stop her from shaking. It doesn't stop her from sweating. It doesn't stop her from hyperventilating. It doesn't stop her from only just holding back sobs. And it certainly doesn't stop Lapis from sitting up, and reaching over to Peridot, to figure out what's wrong. No matter how many times Peridot reminds herself that it was a dream, it takes her a while to get past it. But she's becoming accustomed to the nightmares.

Once she's finally calmed down, grounding herself by stating facts: It's getting dark, I must have slept for at least twelve hours, tomorrow is Monday, I'm hungry.

"You good?"

"I- I'll be okay."

"Ready to leave?"

"Yeah."

Lapis stands up, Peridot following suit. Though her legs tremble, threatening to give out. More than enough for obvious reasons, she's thankful that Jasper let them sleep peacefully. Grabbing her bags, Lapis leads the other out, saying goodbye to Jasper, and walks the two of them home. Home.

* * *

 

She'd barely eaten anything for four days straight. And while Peridot doesn't admit this out loud, there is something in the back of Lapis' mind that gives her this idea. So she makes Peridot eat, then heads off to shower. Simply refusing to shower at someone else's house, but she is stopped.

"Are you going to be okay?"

"Wh-" Releasing her grip on the bathroom doorknob, Lapis looks over her shoulder. _Oh right._ "Yeah I... should be fine. Don't worry about it."

Wordlessly Peridot gets up, still holding her bowl of cereal, and sits on the floor next to the bathroom door, staring straight ahead.

"You don't need to-"

"I'm aware," Peridot mutters, shoveling Lucky Charms into her mouth because she's honestly so hungry and she hadn't even realized it. "I want to sit here. Just... in case something happens."

But nothing happens. And it's an eerie change of pace.

* * *

The following morning comes a sharp knock on the door. Peridot, who had refused to sleep due to her less than pleasant dreams, answers it quickly. But Lapis, who had refused to sleep because she wanted to stay up with Peridot, just watches from a distance. She yawns too but covers it, knowing Peridot will scold her for staying up. As she had already received a warning not to, that she would be tired in the morning, and wasn't allowed to complain.

Pearl enters, again, not phased by the unprofessional setting.  
"Good morning."

"Nice to see you," Peridot grumbles as she closes the door. 

"Why that is very kind..." Pearl cringes at both, messy hair and tired eyes. "I... have the-"

"Thank you, I appreciate it."

Handing the bag over to Peridot, she completely misses the, 'you're welcome'. "Now... This should last a month. Once a day, every twenty four hours- the standard interval. If it doesn't help, or if there's more it could do, please make me aware. I may be able to up the dosage or switch to something else."

"We- I will." She fumbles, handing it over to Lapis, who takes it sleepily. Peridot digs through her pile of jackets and pulls out the amount they had already agreed on over the phone. She had secretly discussed other variables over the phone with Pearl, unbeknownst to Lapis. But it wasn't like it mattered, really. Though she was going to have to pick up more work if fourty dollars a month was part of it... Maybe more.

Pearl accepts the money, tucking it into her pocket, and nods. "Thank you. Now, if there's concerns, don't hesitate to call me. I'll be on my w-"

"Actually," Peridot interjects, glancing at Lapis. "Could I..." She redirects her attention back to Pearl, eying another room. "Could I perhaps speak with you alone, right now?"

"Well, I don't see why not."

Dragging her into the hall, Peridot tries not to act suspicious, though it is a challenge. But if Lapis thinks anything of it, she doesn't say.

"What is it you wanted to discuss?" Pearl inquires, in a hushed tone. And Peridot silently thanks her once again for not being oblivious.

"Is what you prescribed to her a general medication for PTSD, aside from that it's custom to her weight and body mass- things like that?"

"Well... in a sense. Not that you're particularly familiar with medical terms, but it's components help with the general symptoms of the disorder. So, in a way, yes. But it can be altered for someone's specific needs. Why?"

"So... would something similar be given to someone who was the victim of..." Peridot swallows. "Sexual abuse, and who got PTSD from that?"

This seems to puzzle Pearl, but, being Pearl, she also seems to pick up on the situation rather quickly. "It would be pretty similar, so to answer your question... yes."

"I'd... hate to ask this of you, but- could you see what you can conjure up for me?"


	22. Shallow Water

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw blood
> 
> hahaaaa if you dont like this chapter you can thank thereaction bc they wanted this  
> not this this  
> but this

Lapis eventually convinces her to sleep, but Peridot degrades herself to the couch. There's a slight argument, but, it's better. Better for the both of them. They need time to recover. And, when Peridot wakes up every night in a cold sweat, she isn't bothering Lapis, but it provides an opportunity to check on the blue haired girl. See if she'd woken up in the middle of the night due to terrors. But, as soon as she is medicated, that doesn't happen. There is no instance of it, and, admittedly, Peridot feels a bit useless. There's nothing for her to do anymore. Lapis doesn't need her.

Peridot reminds Lapis to take her meds, and she does, without complaint. Though, Peridot gets the feeling she doesn't need to be reminded. And so why should she? And she stops. And Lapis doesn't notice. Well, if she does, she doesn't bring it up.

The next week or so is... prosaic and mundane. Nothing eventful, the two go about their lives separately, but still together. Living in the same house, eating at the same times, sleeping at the same times, making idle conversation. But Peridot can't tell if it's forced or not. She certainly doesn't know. At least, to her it's not. But she can't speak for Lapis. One day though, Peridot speaks up. It seems to come from nowhere, but... it isn't. It's not from nowhere.

Peridot has a dream.

 _And she watches Lapis get thrown off the boat, and she dives straight into the water, going after her, and using the knife to cut that which binds her._ _And Lapis wriggles free, extending her limbs, and swimming up to the surface and she looks so, so happy. Peridot just sinks, her body heavy in the water, but it's worth it because Lapis is okay._

"Hey... Lapis," Peridot mumbles, recalling the dream as she stares at her currently off computer.

"Yes, Peridot?"

"Do you ever... want to leave?"

"The... industry?" Lapis asks, although it's obvious she understands.

"No, I mean... here. To, stop. Stop... being here. With me, in this house..."

"Why do you ask?"

It's silent. They both go silent, and Peridot glares down at her desk, so intently that she swears she could burn holes through it. "Be- because. I. I just wanted to know if you had the desire to leave."

"... Sometimes," she answers truthfully. "But. I wouldn't leave."

"You wouldn't?"

"No."

"But... this- this place. It's unforgiving and unwelcoming and completely unorthodox!"

"Does that matter? I'd rather be here."

"Even if it wouldn't be hard to leave?" Peridot tries, spinning in her chair. "Even if you had money, and a place to go, and even if it was easy?"

"No. I... This is my home. It's my home now. I don't want to give that up."

* * *

 

In the days that follow, Peridot finds herself rubbing absentmindedly at the cut on her lip. It's beginning to scar over. The black eye has faded though, which she agrees to be better. A scar is trivial compared to that.

As Lapis begins to tuck herself into bed, Peridot slips on a jacket, and wordlessly prepares to go somewhere.

"Where are you going?"

"Deal. Why?"

"Just... wondering," Lapis huffs, pulling the covers over herself. "Be careful."

"I will."

* * *

 

Heading to a parking lot behind the tattoo parlor, which is not one of her usual places but hey. She needs the money. Even though she's picked up a job, programming and coding, it doesn't hurt to have extra for a rainy day. Besides, she won't make Lapis aware that she'd gone along with another one of the ridiculous requests that she would not have even considered before Lapis came into her life. Money doesn't come from nowhere.

It feels shady, and for good reason.

The fluorescent street lamps beat down on the empty concrete, dulled yellow and white lines. It's an aesthetic she can appreciate. Leaning against a lamppost, Peridot observes as a car pulls up and two people exit. Peridot confirms that they weren't followed, and holds out her hand for the money. It's received and she folds it away, holding the substance out.

But of course, it's shady for a reason.

One grabs her wrist, so tightly her muscles spasm. The other grabs the bag, yanking it away, reaching towards Peridot's pocket.

_So they're trying to get away without paying?_

Peridot grunts, using her left hand to punch, but that hand is grabbed too, and she's left with kicking. Not her finest skill, but enough to where she can cause the other to fall to the ground before they can reach into her pocket. And knowing she has to act quickly, she pulls both her arms forward, and kicks the second back, and her arms are released. One is upon her and she grabs their head and wrenches it downward, slamming it into her knee. Two advances just as quickly, yanking her about, dragging her across the parking lot, and pinning her against the brick wall of the parlor. And all she sees is the glint of something being pulled from a pocket and she panics.

There's a searing, hot, burning sensation in her leg. It travels from mid thigh, down to her knee. Peridot's vision blurs as she nearly collapses, thinking  _oh my god did I just get stabbed?_ And she screams. She screams at the top of her lungs and obviously that wasn't what they expected. They both fumble to cover her mouth, but by the time the knife is dropped, or by the time the other reaches her, it's too late. Because it's not that far in the night, and they were stupid Peridot notes. The tattoo parlor is still open so  _why_ would they try to mug her?

Rushing over to the car, the two pile in and speed away, taking a back road Peridot's never traveled down. She sighs, forcing her weight onto her right leg. And no, no. She wasn't stabbed. It's just a long, purposeful cut. Meant to immobilize her. So she needs to get away.

No one comes out to check for the source of the sound. Peridot's not sure what she expected because, it's New York. You hear screaming all the time. Which also indicates that her attackers weren't from the state. Or else, they would have realized this. Fucking amateurs. 

After sitting down, assessing the wound- and honestly, thank god. There's no spurting- it didn't hit a major artery. It doesn't look too deep either, but Peridot is _not_ going to touch it. She stands shakily, and god. God, it's so hard to walk. She's already weak from the previous trauma, and now... Limping home, Peridot doesn't resist her sobs, grunts, and whines, because no one is around to hear her. And she's not too far away from home, which is lucky.

Pushing the door open, she hobbles over to the bathroom, shedding her shoes, socks, and jeans, which are soaked with blood. Hands slipping on the doorknob, Peridot half sits, half falls onto the toilet seat, choking back a sob now. Her breathing quickens as she looks at the cut because _holy hell there's so much blood why am I bleeding oh god oh god fuck fuck fuck-_

It stings, it stings so bad and she holds her hand out to do something- do what?! Her hands are trembling and her eyes are watering and she can't see. Propping her leg up on the bathtub ledge, she cries out a string of curses. God it hurts. Peridot creates a makeshift tool out of her ruined clothes, wrapping her pants around her upper thigh, but not after removing the money, to create pressure and to lessen blood flow. Squaring herself, she cringes and presses a towel to the gash, soaking blood up alarmingly fast. Removing the cloth she observes the injury and lets out an unholy sound. Something in between that of a sob, cry, scream, and a mortified shriek. It bubbles up in the back of her throat and practically falls out. It's not deep, but she's never been one to look at blood, though that's unavoidable. But, at least, not where it shouldn't be. Not when she's looking at a part of her body that should stay strictly inside.

And, to her luck, this sound wakes Lapis up. She springs out of the bed, rushing over to the bathroom and her face drains of color. "You..."

"I know- I..." Peridot takes a shaky breath, unsure if she should be staring at the blood on her hands or at Lapis. "Th... there's so much blood. A- and I..."

Calm. Lapis' face steadies, and she relaxes, crouching down to Peridot's level. "I- it's okay. Peridot, you'll be fine."

"But-!"

"Trust me, okay. Please look at me."

And she does. "H... how..."

"Where do you keep extra towels?"

"Closet in the hallway. At the end, last... door on the left."

Lapis leaves, and then she's back with an armful of towels, dumping them onto the clean part of the floor. She takes one and holds it out to Peridot, instructing her to wrap the cut up as she rolls her sleeves up, takes another and runs it under the bathtub spout. Throwing the dry one aside, she places the damp one on, alternating until the bleeding slows, and she comforts Peridot the entire time. Even until the blood goes from a trickle, to nothing at all. She's stopped bleeding.

"How are you?"

"Dizzy," Peridot utters, reaching over to wash her hands off in the sink. Her arms bend awkwardly against the counter but she makes it work.

"Not good. You..."

"Lost a lot of blood. I know."

"You... need to go to a hospital."

"That's not an option. I don't have the money, and, I have no official records. It'd out our branch, and then someone would kill me anyway."

"But... you..."

"It... probably wasn't more than two pints. I'll be okay," Peridot insists, though her measurements are rough.

"Regardless, now you need to bathe because it needs to be cleaned and so I can see the size of it."

"W- I'm not getting in water. I... I can't even stand o- or..."

"I... I'll help. It's not that big of an issue. Stronger than you think," Lapis moves to the tub, beginning to turn on the water.

"I don't-"

"Hey," Lapis stops her, looking at Peridot directly. "That thing will get infected and that will definitely kill you. So please, save it. Nudity won't hurt."

This shuts her up.

Lapis runs the water and helps Peridot undress. Which, she makes it to be a bigger deal than it should be. Because nudity doesn't normally bother her. She's just self conscious around someone else. But Lapis is good about it and is actively making sure that her eyes don't linger. Peridot notices this, and is thankful. And they somehow manage to get her in the water, and she bites her lip because wow that really hurts. But, she can't bite her lip, because there's also an injury there. Peridot cries, digging her fingernails into the palms of her hands, squeezing her eyes shut. She's still a bit dizzy and the water is cold and she hates it.

"Wh- hey, hey. Don't hurt yourself more okay. We've got enough to worry about," Lapis scolds, prying her hands opens.

"It burns..."

"I know it does, I know. I'm sorry."

"Pl- ease..."

"It's not for long. It won't be for long I promise. Just look at me okay? Hold my hand."

By the end, there are fingernail marks on Lapis' hand. But it's better than on Peridot's.

And because it's so much easier, Peridot falls asleep in the bed, no clothes because that requires too much effort. And Lapis takes the couch.


	23. Something She Can Do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** yup that is what i meant  
> sorry for errors i typed this at 3 in the morning

This becomes routine, bathing included. Even though Peridot continues to resist and argue, and Lapis isn't entirely sure why. She would have thought the fear of dying would outweigh anyone's modesty. Having to assure Peridot that it's okay, that being naked isn't going to kill her but infections will, that she knows it stings... it wears her down. It hurts her to see Peridot cry, and so often too.  
And at one point, Peridot gives in. She says fuck it and texts Jasper to bring her some pot because she would rather be high than have to deal with the pain. Because it hurts so bad and she can hardly sleep and she stops wearing her glasses entirely because it's easier than having to take them off each time she starts crying again. And Lapis has to sit and watch and know that she can't do anything. There's no way to take the hurt away. Though she doesn't know to what extent Peridot is really hurting.

Pearl stops by to drop off her medication, and immediately begins to scold Peridot. When and how did this happen? Why didn't you call me? You've washed it, you change the bandaging frequently- the things a mom might say. And Peridot tells her- yes. Informs her that she's not a complete imbecile. Thanks her for the prescription and thanks her again when she promises to bring something that will help her sleep. Help her sleep and get through the pain.

Pearl offers her something that Lapis can't.

And Lapis doesn't like that.  
It's an uneasy feeling in her gut that manifests from no where. It's calmer than anger, kinder than hate, harsher than disdain. And she doesn't want to admit it.

Something someone might call jealousy.

Peridot works from bed, programming endlessly to make up for what she can't do. Because money has to come from somewhere.

Peridot starts smoking too. It's a mix of weed and cigarettes and a waste of money. Lapis gags and hates it. She hates it. She hates the smell because it fills up the room and it suffocates her and there's still nothing she can do.

The drugs offer Peridot something that Lapis can't.

It's an escape.

When she's not doing that, she's asleep, or crying and Lapis can only watch. She sees Peridot's hands shaking as she brings a cigarette up to her mouth, and her health drops. Nasty habits skyrocket. Peridot is slowly killing herself and it's then that Lapis realizes it.

And there's nothing she can do.

Nothing except remind Peridot to take her medication- although she's not entirely sure what it's for. But she won't question it. So fixed on taking care of her friend, who's one breath too deep, Lapis forgets to take care of herself. She only remembers to take her meds when she remembers to remind Peridot. She only eats when Peridot complains that she herself is hungry. She only remembers to change her clothes when she looks in the mirror, dark circles and messy hair, noticing she's been wearing the same thing for days. Lapis functions but just barely. Hardly living. Peridot functions but. She's only alive.

And this is Lapis' home now.

Nothing except hold Peridot when she cries, run a hand through her hair and tell her that she knows. She knows it hurts. And that she's sorry. Wiping tears away, uttering hollow promises, waking up in the dead of night to embrace her. Sometimes it's bearable and that doesn't happen. The sleep aids work well and they both rest, undisturbed. Some days it doesn't hurt at all. And there's the rare day where Peridot doesn't speak. Glaring at the wood paneling on the wall, not even opening her laptop. Often arguing with herself- shouting at the voice in her head that Lapis can't hear. The voice that tells her she deserved it. The voice who she refers to as green.

There isn't a time where her eyes aren't struggling to stay open, there isn't a time where she's lucid, times words can only describe as grey.

Melancholy.

Gloomy.

Dull.

Dreary.

Empty.

And even then, those words aren't accurate.

* * *

 

It's a sob- and Lapis' eyes fly open.

Peridot nearly screams bloody murder, sitting in the bed, disheveled, hands pulling at her hair, and tears dripping down her face. It's happened before- but she's never cried so loudly. And that really is saying something, because Lapis remembers days where she'd locked herself in the bathroom and held towels to her ears and she could still hear it.

Lapis scrambles up, fumbling around in the dark. But she knows her way around even in pitch black.  
Sitting on the bed, and it dips under her weight, she can feel the damp sheets as they stick to her thigh. Peridot knows she's there from the way the mattress squeaks, the way the sound of breathing is next to her right ear- the way she can feel someone. Without even having to look. They don't bother to turn the lights on, as it would be pointless. They know each other well enough- the curves of skin, the hook of a nose, the tender hands that slide up her cheeks and cast away tears like it's second nature. As though controlling water was a second nature.

Because it's getting worse and worse, progressively worse as Peridot's mental health spirals downward. The pills can only do so much, the drugs can only do much to block out the green eyes that invade her mind.

And Peridot wishes the lights were on, because blue eyes would be a nice change of pace.

Her arms wrap around Lapis, gripping tightly, because the girl is the only thing keeping her anchored. A tether to reality, and her hold is slipping.

"It's not fair," Peridot chokes out, a headache beginning to grow.

Lapis shushes her, rubbing circles into her back. Because that's what Peridot did for her. "I know it's not."

"W- hy..."

"Shhh-"

" _Why did it have to be this way?_ " Peridot's voice cracks, as another sob escapes her throat.

"Explain."

"I..." After that, there is no conversation. Not for a while. She whimpers as Lapis holds her, sniffling, mucus forcing her to stop and cough. Cough until her lungs hurt. And then cry some more because it hurts so badly.

A viscous cycle until Lapis pulls back, hands on Peridot's shoulders, and then cupping the sides of her face, because she doesn't know what else to do. Stroking with her thumb on skin that's undoubtedly tear stained- because what else is she suppose to do?!

Shushing Peridot as she continues to bawl, Lapis leans forward, and blindly presses a kiss to her forehead. It's a bit surprising, though slows the onslaught of tears by just a little. And at first, Lapis doesn't even know if it's helping, yet she does it again, and again, until she notices that- yes. It is. Bit by bit, humming as she goes, Lapis silences the sobs and gasps, and Peridot comes undone. Her grip slackens, her eyes flutter closed, sniffling reduced, and she leans back, resting her head on the headboard.

And finally, Lapis has found something she can do.

"It's not fair," Peridot repeats, when the crying has stopped.

"What's not fair."

"I- I know I'm not a good person," Peridot admits, dragging her hands down her face in an attempt to rid herself of snot and the feeling of dried sticky tears. "But, I hardly think all of this is fair. I... I deserve this. But you don't."

"What... what do you mean. What is 'this'?"

"All... all of these bad things that keep happening. And you're forced to deal with it. Forced to deal with me."

"I could very well leave at any time and you know that. Don't talk poorly about yourself."

"S' true though."

"No, it's not. Maybe it's true you've done bad things- we all have. Me included. But you're not a bad person because of it."

"Yeah, I am... When... when there's no good to outweigh the bad."

" _No good?_ Are you _kidding me?!_ You took me in, when you didn't have to- when it posed a financial issue. You treated me like a human being with real feelings and, didn't even stop there! You put yourself in so much danger for me- you don't deserve any of this Peridot."

"But-"

"- No! Just... just no, okay? Listen to me, please. Believe me when I tell you, you don't deserve this."

_She's lying-_

_Shut up! Shut up shut up **shut up!** You don't get to tell me that anymore._

_But it's true._

_No, it's not! You're the one who's lying to me._

"I... I believe you."


	24. Laugh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wonky chapter w hallucinations
> 
> short but important  
> word count is @ like ~ 1300

That's the pattern they fall into. It's not an enjoyable one, but it is a marked improvement. Waking, drenched in sweat and crying so hard you can't breathe is nicer when someone is there to kiss your forehead and tell you that you didn't deserve it. That you don't deserve it. You never did.  
  
_Yes you_ -  
  
It's nice when someone is there to silence the voice in your head that you refer to as green. And replace it with one you refer to as blue.  
  
It's reassuring when someone can hold you to reality, and you can count on them to do that. To bring you back down and make it so it doesn't feel like you're tumbling, falling freely, into the unknown. The void of- and they were never seen again. The darkness wraps itself around her, much like that of a satin sheet. Folding and bending, stretching and creasing, so that it covers her. Consumes her, and she hides underneath it. And she sleeps for too long.  
  
Then suddenly the sheet is uncomfortable, and she tries to kick it off, only to find that she's become ensnared. Trapped. Thrashing, tangled hopelessly in its hold, nothing that she can do except scream out for help.  
  
It's nice when the someone undoes the binding and sets her free.

* * *

It strains Lapis mentally.  
  
Having to wake night after night to comfort Peridot, and it's scarring to have Peridot sobbing into her. Shaking off the memories of- who knows what?  
  
Having no one to go to when she, herself wakes up, forcing down the feeling of nausea. The feeling of swaying back and forth as though she were on a boat.  
  
And seeing her ever-blue copy hovering over Peridot, smiling wickedly, water falling from where its eyes should be. Water pouring onto Peridot even though she can't see it. Can't feel it. And Lapis gets up and comforts Peridot anyway. On nights where Peridot bolts up drenched in sweat and starts crying. The nights even if her eerie clone is standing right next to the bed, Lapis gets up and holds Peridot, rubbing her back. She sits right next to the both of them. She sits right next to the hallucination and stares it down, trying not to cry herself, and it tilts its head and laughs silently.  
  
It sends chills up her spine because the room is pitch black except for her. She glows brightly, neon blue, and it's the only thing Lapis can see. She holds tightly to Peridot and silences her, kissing her forehead and her nose and her cheeks, running her hands over skin until Peridot stops hiccuping and blubbering. Until she leans back and closes her eyes and goes back to sleep.  
  
Lapis retreats to the couch, pulling the secondary blanket closer, it hugs her neck, and she clamps her eyes shut.  
  
_Don't open them don't open them don't look don't look._  
  
But she doesn't need to look to know. The rhythmic _clink_ of the ceiling fan, the occasional car, the chirping of crickets isn't enough to mask the sound. Cold, ice cold, salty breath washes over her face, causing goosebumps to rise on her arms and legs. And she can see the glow through her eyelids and it's so blue. The sound of inhaling and exhaling as someone- something, breathes loudly, hanging over her. Lapis can feel its grin. Mocking her. It trails its chilled fingers over her forehead, and smirks as it watches Lapis cower back, breathing shakily, as a tear slips down her cheek.  
  
And it lets out the lightest, carefree, amused laugh she's ever heard.  
  
In the morning, it's gone. And she's not sure what else she expected.

* * *

Lapis sits up, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. It's never been so violent- hostile, before. Laughing as the moon dipped below the horizon, cutting itself short as the sun began to show. The sound still ringing in her ears, knocking around in her skull. It's painful.

She looks to Peridot who is, of course, still sleeping. Obvious lines where grime has been washed away by tears, the water long dried and unpleasant to the touch. Getting up, Lapis trudges to the bathroom and rifles through the cabinet until she finds another stretch of gauze, returns to the main room, depositing it on the sofa. And after making herself a cup of coffee, because of the lack of sleep, she sits on the couch, squinting out the window. The birds begin to chirp, obliviously. Their innocent to the terrors, singing as though it was a perfectly normal day. As though nothing was wrong. Though something is always wrong. And how could birds know that?

Their chattering is rather obnoxious, and Lapis rolls her eyes, but that does nothing.

Soon Peridot stirs, cracking eyelids open, as they feel much heavier than they should. Weighed down and leaded. It's a slow process. She yawns, stretches, smacks her lips, before lethargically turning her head towards Lapis, and offering a small nod.

"Mmm. Good morning," she mumbles, hand subconsciously trailing down to her leg to tug at the bandage.

"Good morning." Lapis stands, discarding the mug. "Bath now or later?"

"Later."

Lapis moves to the left side of the bed with the sheet of gauze, crouching down.

This earns a whine, because replacing it is never an enjoyable procedure. However, it happens away, and Peridot grits her teeth, closes her eyes, and refuses to look. Though as far as Lapis is aware, the laceration seems to be repairing itself well. There is no sign of infection, and the skin looks like it wants to stitch itself back together. It can't take more than five, six weeks. She's not sure if they'll last that long.

After what feels like hours, but is only minutes, Lapis finishes, all is said and done, and she sits on the opposite side of the bed. Rubbing Peridot's back as she adjusts, having to wake up and feel pain again, Lapis sighs.

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," Peridot half sniffles, her body beginning to tremble.

"Oh no, don't cry. Please don't cry, it's too early for that." She wraps an arm around Peridot, though any type of embrace is a bit uncomfortable because only one body can twist. Only one can bend and give in the way that's necessary for a hug. Because the other is forced to sit and face forward, turn forty five degrees in either direction if she's lucky. When you can't move your leg, there's a lot of other things you can't do.

"I... I can't help it."

"I know... you wake up doing it all the time."

"I'm s- orry I wake you up so much."

"It's okay. I have no problem kissing you back to sleep."

"R- eally?" Peridot's voice cracks, and she bites her lip, stifling a sob.

"Really," Lapis confirms. She retracts her arm and places a hand on the side of Peridot's face, caressing the hollowed cheek. Trailing a finger, with the other hand, over her pointed nose, over her forehead, over her browbone, though gently over the piercing that is embedded in her brow. Grazing over the sunken space under her eyes, her jawline and over her lips, hesitating at the scar. That's there because of her. The strange act, is indeed that. Strange. But it soothes Peridot, the sensation is memorizing, and to watch it is the same. It's an intimate moment where time is suspended in the air. The feeling of flight before you begin to fall again, where your stomach lurches and gravity waits just a second. One second of freedom.

But it has to end

"I'm sorry," Lapis murmurs, beginning to pull away.

Though Peridot stops her, placing her hands on top of Lapis', anchoring them to her cheeks. "It's okay."

"It isn't okay."

"To me it is. There isn't anything that needs forgiving."

"Are we doing this again?"

"I'm afraid we are."

"Is it going to end bittersweetly?" Lapis genuinely wants to know.

"I can't promise anything. But I'm willing to make this work, if you are. Somehow."

"You think we can?"

"I do."


	25. The Same Page

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yall wanted fluff and i wanted to make them happy again so here

Things are smoother after that. Of course, it's never easy. Never perfect. Not when vivid depictions of yourself haunt the night hours. Not when the same sentence, command, rings in your head every time you close your eyes. Not when you're broken. The best thing you can do is cover it in duct tape and pretend like it's all okay. Because it's not.

What is it like to walk, she wonders. Her legs have grown weak and only move because Pearl insists- instructs her to move them. Because circulation is vital. They only move when she sucks it up and stands, limping around with Lapis' help, only for small tasks such as bathing. Even then, sitting idly in the water as it pools around her, swirling, tapping at the surface causing it to ripple. Flexing the muscles in her ankles and feet, bending and pointing, finding some way to preoccupy herself. Staring numbly into the tub, squinting accusingly at her reflection, and smacking both hands into it is childish, but she does it anyway. But the mirrored image only bends, contorting, and distorting before it's the same again. The same face. It's still not enough. Because water stings and burns. Everything hurts.

Lapis reaches down and encircles Peridot's wrists, pulling them out of the water before she has another chance to swat at it, frowning slightly. Lapis knows the feeling. Not wanting to look at yourself. Wanting to shatter every mirror that you see. Something so terrorizing about seeing someone look back at you, blaming for the tragedy.

And because Peridot is so volatile, lost, confused, and dazed. Because it's so frustrating, not being able to change what happened. She starts to cry again, although it's nothing new, it still hurts. The tears glide down and drip into the water, mixing, and seemingly disappear. But they're still there. Funny thing. Water can cover up almost anything.

Letting go of her hands, Lapis leans over the side of the tub, careful not to fall in, and presses a kiss to her forehead. She does the same thing each time, but each time it works. Never tedious or tiresome.

"Talk to me," she mumbles, tucking stray hair behind Peridot's ear. "I want to help you."

"Do... do you ever wish you could undo something?" Peridot sniffles, head leaning back to rest limply against the tiled wall.

"All the time. Why?"

"I... Can I tell you something?" Tears prick at her eyes, rising to the brim and spilling over silently.

"Of course you can," Lapis assures, holding the hand that reaches out to hold her own.

And so Peridot tells her.

* * *

While it's grueling to explain, to relive and verbalize the events, it's imperative Lapis understands. Crucial, even, because being on the same page makes it so they can talk. Communicate properly- comprehend eachother better. Motives, emotions, anything and everything. Because if they're going to try they have to do it the right way. Open and honest. It's less likely to end bittersweet.

Lapis listens, demeanor not wavering, even though she's completely horrified at the new information.

They did that to her?

They did that to her.

Because of me.

And once the story is done, Lapis merely nods. She helps Peridot out of the bath, waits as she slides a shirt on, wraps an arm around her waist as they make their way back to the bed. Getting situated, making food as she tries to process the information. Quite frankly she's disturbed, shocked even. Those words are hardly enough. But, the more it rattles around in her skull, absorbing and it clicks, it's exactly what she would have expected from them.

And she's afraid.

Afraid to hold Peridot, afraid to touch her- terrified to so much as place a kiss to her forehead. Hold her hand, run fingers through her hair, sit in her lap- although that's currently impossible. Actions so pure an innocent- so lighthearted and free spirited. Ruined. Tainted. Violated for her.

What's too much? What's too far?

Is it what she wants?

* * *

"Lapis."

The voice breaks her from the fury of her racing mind- thoughts halt and she turns to Peridot, who sits resignedly. Arms laying at her sides, and her body language isn't the way it should be. Not folded arms and closed off- it's open.  
"Yes?"

"Don't linger on it too much. I promise it's okay."

"I just wish you had told me sooner," Lapis admits, hesitantly sitting down on the edge of the bed. "Then I wouldn't have..."

"Wouldn't have what? Wouldn't have done the only thing that works to calm me down? Lapis, I promise. It's... it's hard. I separate that from you and it's hard, but it's worth it."

"I don't want to make things hard for you-"

"- I want this. I do. Don't worry about it."

Lapis shifts uncomfortably, unsure of what to do with herself. "But you-"

"I love you. I don't love them. It's a difference bigger than a word and I can feel it. When... I just... I- I can't explain it. But please believe me when I say it's okay."

"How... how will I know what's too much?"

"I'll let you know. I wouldn't let you do anything if I wasn't comfortable with it."

Lapis wants to believe Peridot. But when she thinks about it- thinks about holding her close, cupping the side of her face, leaning forward and kissing as gently as possible. All she can see is Peridot splitting, cracking open, shattering like glass, like china. Chipped pieces falling to the ground. So delicate, fragile, impossible to hold. Not without breaking.

"I'm not sure I beli-"

"- Just... Come here."

"What- why?"

"M' gonna make you believe me," Peridot murmurs, arms outstretched, wanting to pull the other closer.

And so Lapis pulls her legs up onto the bed, scoots over to her, sitting on her knees. It's the best she can do, because Peridot can't. Peridot can't tuck her own legs underneath herself or have someone sit in her lap.

Peridot snakes her arms around the other's torso, tugging her as close as possible. Their foreheads rest against each other and Peridot can feel her breath hitch- stuck in her throat. Forcing that down, swallowing the knot.

But she waits.

She waits for Lapis to lean forward. She waits for Lapis to seal the gap- to make sure it's what she wants.

And when she does, Peridot is gone.

Heads tilting to the side, fitting together, the surprised exhale against her cheek as Peridot's eyes close and presses forward just a bit, and Lapis does too. Skin charged, pinpricks of electricity jolt through her as Lapis' arms wrap around her neck, hands inching up to grab and tug at the back of her short, choppy, blonde hair. And it only intensifies, Peridot attempting to persuade her own body to cooperate. To let go of the anxiety, spine rigid and stiff.

It is truly what she wants. To display love in such a way, affectionate and caring.  
Eventually going lax, she slouches, leaning forward. It continues that way, small shocks each time her hair is pulled. Finding that her own hands are wandering, trailing over Lapis' sides, heat radiating through the thin layer of fabric.  
Heart speeding up, racing, Peridot pulls back to breath, and moves forward again, lips moving vainly against eachother, and her hands slide to rest nicely on Lapis' hips. She hums, tenderly squeezing the skin and a sound escapes from Lapis' throat, the mix of a sigh and a squeak.  
They still fumble, because they're only human. And that's what humans do. Make mistakes.

Both laughing a little, faces equally red, they pull away. Or at least, the hands come out of the hair, but stay locked behind Peridot's neck.  
Lapis nods, eyes shut, contently.

"Okay. I believe you," she tries to say, though it's in between bursts of giggles.


	26. Big Words, Bigger Step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :^)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updates might be a little slower after this due to the fact that i havent been sleeping  
> ive been so preoccupied with this
> 
> plus, someone is making an animation for it so im hype

Peridot begins to scratch at the wound. Tugging at the bandage, dragging her jagged, uneven fingernails across the irritated surface. She complains that it itches, though only complains that it hurts when she chooses to pick and claw at it. It leaves visible red lines on the surrounding flesh, and Lapis scolds her. That if she keeps messing with it, it's going to take longer to heal. To stop digging her nails into the skin so violently. And she tries, but it's impossible. So Lapis trims Peridot's nails while she sleeps, and watches in only partial amusement when she wakes up, hand immediately fiddling with the area, and eyes widening as she finds that her nails are now dull and short. Blunt and useless.  
  
Guiding her hands away and upward, Lapis threads their fingers together. It's an adequate distraction but Peridot whines, and frowns, fidgeting uncomfortably. Pouting that it itches, and Lapis tells her that she knows. It'll stop soon. The agitation is a sign that it's healing.  
  
Because unbeknownst to Peridot, the cut is already closed up. At least, mostly. The top layer of skin binds together, desperately clinging and scabbing, growing back into place. It's repaired itself well. What's visible is better, though, inside is another story she's sure. How long will it take? How long has it been?  
  
It passed quickly enough.

Time heals all wounds, to some extent. As it passes, memories fade together, becoming hazy. You become uncertain. Is it actually a memory, or the fragments of a dream? Or is your mind playing tricks on you again, filling in empty spaces with false impressions. It stops hurting too. When you fail to recall the previous horrors, your mind fails to recall the pain that came with it. The agony, the grievance, it dissipates along with the past, growing lost.

So perhaps, it's never really healed.

Just forgotten.

There's only so much time can manage to do. Because even though it can accomplish remarkable feats, concealing a wound that was immobilizing, there will always be a trace. A miniscule reminder that something went awry.

A scar.

Time can only do so much.

* * *

 

In the week that follows, Peridot is the epitome of restless. Jittery and anxious, hands twitching, head jerking back and forth. And Lapis steadies her, reaching out, holding her close. Running hands over her, lanky arms, the curve of her hips, inducing a state of tranquility. She has an unfair amount of influence, an overabundance of power to sway Peridot's state of mind. It's almost unreal.

And Pearl drops by, crouching down by the bedside, seemingly neutral to the way Lapis and Peridot cling to each other. Hands intertwined, the sheets draped casually over both of them- it was inevitable.

"How long has it been like this?" Pearl inquires, after tossing the gauze aside. She's floored at how quickly it's recovering.

"Closed and scabbed over, you mean? Five, six days I'd say," Lapis answers, peering down.

"An entire week? Truly remarkable..."

"I hardly think it's important," Peridot interjects. Her mood is foul, bitter, rancorous about not being mobile. "When am I going to be able to move?"

"Well, if it really has been a week as Lapis insists, I'd reckon you'd be okay to walk now."

"N- now?"

"Theoretically. Though, you can't do anything too strenuous. However, for basic transportation you should be safe. No excess pressure. And, naturally, it will hurt."

"But I... can stand? And move?"

"The muscle tissue, veins, and other internal mechanisms take longer to repair than skin. Although, if it's been a week, most of that should be resolved at this point."

Reiterating her question with avidity, bouncing ecstatically, Peridot is galvanized to hear Pearl confirm what she wholeheartedly desired for months. To stand and to walk, perhaps hobble, without much assistance. No longer confined, or restricted, she eagerly pushes back the sheet, and swings her legs over the side of the bed.

"Wh- give me a little warning!" Lapis chastises, scrambling across the mattress to support in case Peridot's legs give. And they do. She stumbles backward, and Lapis interferes before she can fall, wrapping an arm around her waist, the other tensely gripping Peridot's wrist.

"But she said I could-"

"You've barely used your legs for two months. Of course they're weak."

"She's correct," Pearl affirms, nodding, with a curt laugh. "That has nothing to do with the healing process itself. You must simply reintroduce the action."

With an unreadable expression, Peridot gaze is cast onto the sheets. She bends, reaching down, grabbing her glasses and slipping them onto her face. Pushing them up the bridge of her nose with her free hand, she nods.

* * *

 

Pearl excuses herself, elaborating that she must go talk Jasper out of a reckless scheme. Therefore leaving Lapis and Peridot alone, instructing them to take it easy. To be gentle, not rough. And if there are implications embedded in that, they fly right over Lapis' head. Not Peridot's though.

With Lapis' assistance, not as much as before, Peridot is able to move about the apartment. Never having thought she could miss something so badly. Something she often takes for granted.

And at one point, Lapis lets her go. After she insists that she can walk without aid. Peridot takes a few, uneasy steps, but the brightest grin spreads across her face.  
"I- I did it!"

It's reminiscent of how a child might appear Christmas morning, rushing down the stairs, naive and innocent. Or when one grows old enough for fireworks, the deafening sound waves no longer an issue, eyes sparkling as the multicolored patterns explode in the sky.  
An action to simple yet complex, the air filled with vellichor.

She pads around the main room, even though yes, it burns. A searing, prickling pain jolting up her thigh with every step. Though it's bearable. No greater joy than relishing in a quaint victory. No longer weighted down with mahpiohanzia, she turns to Lapis, who sits reservedly on the sheets.

And using mainly her right leg, Peridot pushes up, leaping onto the girl, tackling her onto the bed. They tip over, Lapis falling backward, Peridot falling forward. Noses almost touching, the taller is unable to restrain giddy, euphoric giggles, her glasses sitting crooked on her face.

"Hey- please be careful Peridot! You'll hurt yourself." Lapis reprimands, though she herself can't repress the urge to laugh. Reaching up, she removes the skewed frames, and sets them aside. Finally. Finally there's a single instance of peace.

"Don't care."

And even though there are arms that wrap and lock behind her neck. Even though she's tugged down and kissed silly. Even though genuine laughter rings throughout the apartment.

Despite all this.

There's still a scar.

Time can only do so much.


	27. Early

It's two AM, and Peridot can't sleep.  
  
She's suppose to lay on her right side or back, the latter being too uncomfortable to consider. It had only been mandatory before, but facing up, toward the ceiling, doesn't sit right with her. Not when the light from a street lamp glinting off the fan blades is exceptionally bright. It peeks in through the only window, even though the blinds are shut- suppose to be, they usually are, now they're half open and she's not sure why- illumination isn't welcome- it makes its presence known anyway. And the fan blades whirl, obscuring and shifting, the ray of light giving into the pattern, blinking obnoxiously, perfectly into Peridot's eye.  
  
Sitting up, she grumbles, careful not to disturb the girl that clings to her. An arm draped over Peridot's waist protectively, that has to be removed. A face with a slightly open mouth, that inhales and exhales softly into the crook of Peridot's neck no longer shielded. And as the other sits, Lapis' face contorts, pulling into an exaggerated frown, scowling, forehead creasing, and Peridot can see, even through the sleep clouded haze, that her eyes flutter swiftly behind her eyelids. Skin jittery, moving in odd counts, Peridot shivers, and makes the connection of REM. So she's dreaming of unpleasant things- night terrors, then.  
  
So Peridot waits patiently, although anxiety snowballs the longer she waits. Lapis will awake, crying or shaken, and it will be a distressing situation for the both of them. It often is- had they forgotten to medicate? The memory of day fades quickly, as the week blends together. Is it Monday or Thursday? Does it matter? They'd spent many of the days simply wrapped around one another, bathing in each other's presence. Everything together. Serenity perhaps.  
  
But nights like these are what Peridot loathes. She tugs at the hem of her shirt- that's way too long to be considered a shirt in her opinion. But all of her shorts are too long and they chafe the top of the scar and she refuses to walk around in just underwear. So, a shirt. A shirt that's more like a dress on her. At least, it's the closest thing to a dress she's worn since eighth grade, because prom was a suit even though they mumbled and whispered dyke.

They weren't entirely wrong, so she wasn't entirely offended.  
  
Trapped in ambedo, the room is eerily silent. And the typical night time sounds don't make it through. They're filtered out, distorted, and all Peridot can hear is her labored, yet shallow breathing as it falls into rhythm with Lapis' own. She's enthralled. So completely and utterly taken by the girl. She wishes she could give Lapis more.  
  
Give her what she deserves.  
  
That's more than what anyone has.  
  
Slipping off the bed, Peridot grunts, shifting most of her weight to her right leg, and hobbling over to the wall. Leaning against it for support, she extends her arm, struggling to close the blinds the rest of the way. It takes a few minutes of fumbling with the contraption, but it works, and she returns to the bed, dread washing over her again. As though she had forgotten- Lapis.

She's tiny enough as it is, but curled up, vulnerable, the girl looks helpless. Expression distraught and pained, Lapis bends over herself, legs pulling into her chest and head ducking, and her breath shortens. In an attempt to console her, Peridot shifts closer, laying on her side, and presses a timid kiss to her temple. And while the action seems to go through, on a subconscious level, she still frowns, skin unusually warm. Running a clammy hand through Lapis' hair, Peridot sighs.  
  
Lapis' eyes fly open, and her pupils dilate, taking in the dimly lit room. Everything is blurry and then she focuses on Peridot. The hand in her hair, and how she's no longer sinking. And she calmly scoots closer, head slotting under Peridot's chin as she wraps her arms around Peridot once more. After a few silent moments, her breathing picks up and become rapid, and Lapis begins to shake- shiver even.  
  
"I promise you're okay," Peridot murmurs, slinging an arm around Lapis and rubbing her back. "It's okay."  
  
"I'm not going back to sleep."  
  
"That's okay. I'll stay up with you."  
  
And that's what happens. Somewhere along the lines, too, Peridot begins to hum. Something like a lullaby, but, the words are lost. Like one might sing to an infant, though, Peridot knows nothing about children. Just the melody, escaping shakily and Lapis must recognize it. Because she begins to hum along, and it steadies her. It's something she knows. A constant.  
  
And then eventually they stand. Peridot having decided she's hungry, Lapis having decided to follow. Not wanting to be left alone, she trails Peridot, shuffling into the kitchen, grimacing as her bare feet hit the chilled, tile floor. And Peridot eats and dumps her bowl in the sink and for some reason, whatever reason, they don't go back to bed.  
  
They stand simply in the middle of the kitchen, and because it's nearly three AM, and they're both so tired, they wander into the living area and just. Stand. The carpet much softer, nicer under their feet. It's totally and entirely pointless but they're too tired to care. Too in love and it's absolute madness but standing in the middle of a run down apartment at three AM, staring, not speaking a word. It's right.  
  
Lapis blinks drowsily, and leans over to the dresser, picking up her phone. What she's doing, Peridot has no clue. The volume grows and then she realizes it's music. It's not a song she recognizes but Lapis must know it. And that's okay.  
  
Two arms slip behind Peridot's neck, hands locking together. And oh. They're dancing. So she rests her hands on Lapis' hips, normally would be a nervous wreck, but it's far too early for worrying. And they begin to sway.  
  
And it's piano and Peridot prefers other things, but it feels like the prettiest thing she's ever heard. The keys resonate and echo, reverberating through the speaker that does not do it justice. Time is suspended and she wishes that they could stay this way.  
That the sun would never come up, that they'd never have to face the challenge of a new day because right now. Right now, she thinks, it's perfect. In their own bubble- their own little world. Moving and stepping to the crescendo, chords and notes Peridot couldn't name, bodies pressed together, not worrying.   
Because Peridot is an uncoordinated, clumsy mess but she's doing well. Something about Lapis is so influential and Peridot seems like one to hate dancing, and she would, but not now. Now here and not with her.

Lapis is ethereal- even in no light, there's an odd glint in her eye and it's so blue. Her movements are so fluid, so languid, and Peridot envies that. The way she steps, one might think she's got a gift. Or she's just so beautiful in Peridot's eyes, she can do little wrong.

Immersed in detail, everything is vividly sensory. The way the carpet presses under her weight, the reduced throbbing in her leg, and the sound of tires rolling on concrete as cars pass, fading away. Even as the music stops, they stay. They stop swaying, because, it's a silly notion. But they stay.

Leaning against Peridot's chest, Lapis closes her eyes, and her hands unhook, this time, wrapping around Peridot's torso. They're close and she loves it. Loves how Peridot's heartbeat drums in her ear, how she moves up and back ever so slightly with each breath, how... she loves it. Lapis loves it. Lapis loves her.

"You're positive you want to do this?" Peridot mumbles, idly rubbing circles with her thumbs.

"Do what?"

"Do... this. What you'd call... what we're doing now."

"Of course. Why wouldn't I?"

"It's... not going to be easy."

"I know," Lapis whispers, as she relaxes further. "We can handle it. Together."

"That was corny but- I... I don't want to hurt you."

"If it happens, it happens. You won't have done it on purpose."

And soon, Lapis begins to doze off, snoring lightly and Peridot realizes rather quickly. She shifts, lifting Lapis up with moderate ease. It would be much easier if both her legs were fully functional. Laying her down on the bed, Peridot sighs, crawling in next to her. And after briefly debating on sleeping or not, she decides against it. There are only a few hours left, and what if Lapis were to wake up again?

She can't help but think, though. _You won't have done it on purpose._ Which is true, now at least. She would never think to hurt Lapis.

But that scares her.

Because Peridot would never have thought this is where she would be... a few months ago.

People change.

And as the pitter patter of rain begins, falling softly against the roof, Peridot frowns.

The calm before the storm.


	28. See You Later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun  
> im forgetting how to write because i haven't done it in a while. hope this doesn't suck too much

"I don't want to go to the store!"

"Too bad, we have to go."

"But why can't Pearl go buy groceries for us?" Lapis whines, standing up from the bed and slinking over to Peridot. "She's done it for the past... two months."

"Exactly. And now that I can move, it wouldn't be fair to make her go out for us. Besides, she's busy."

"Busy with what?"

"She's with Jasper."

"Ugh, why?"

"No pouting," Peridot chides, spinning around in her chair. She stands and slides an arm around Lapis' torso, urging her towards the front door. "Jasper's apparently in the process of developing a very idiotic idea, so she's trying to talk her out of it."

"Why can't we make Pearl go to the store tomorrow?"

That is a good point. "If you agree to go, I'll buy you some bleach and hair dye."

This catches Lapis' attention. Her eyes widen, and she attempts, and fails, to restrain a grin. "Really?"

"Yes, really. You can dye your hair in the bathtub today. Only if you come with me though."

"Then come on," Lapis gushes, tugging Peridot's arm, "let's go!"

* * *

It's controlled chaos. The walk isn't that far, but she can't help but become paranoid. Unpleasant experiences everywhere outside her apartment, she thinks. Too wary to even walk the city blocks safely, though, that's an impossible feat on its own. City and safe should never be in the same sentence. Unless, of course, it's being used to describe what a city is not.

Fidgeting and practically jumping the entire time, Lapis is told she has to wait patiently. That they have to get food before they get the dye. Still, she makes it a point to be extra annoying, hurrying Peridot along through the isles and urging her to make up her mind as fast as possible. Though, because they haven't done any real shopping in quite some time, it takes a bit longer than the two of them would have liked. Struggling to recall the contents of the fridge and pantry, neither have an adequate grasp of what needs to be bought.

So, Peridot takes her time, blinking slowly, thoughtfully. Did they have milk? If they did it was probably spoiled by now. How many packets of ramen did they have? Can never have too many.

When they finally get to the register, Lapis waits, more anxiously than patiently. She taps her foot, glaring daggers at the exit, until Peridot sighs.

"Go on," she proposes, fumbling to pull money out of her pocket.

"What?"

"Go. The drugstore is next door. You can't even stand still, this will only take a few minutes. I'll catch up with you."

"You're not worried about me r-"

"Not entirely. It's three doors down. Be careful."

At this, Lapis' eyes widen once more, her eyebrows raising. But, not wanting to risk Peridot changing her mind, she nods, and bolts out of the store, taking a sharp left turn. Really wants the hair dye.  
Not a smart decision of Peridot's behalf, but, lately, her intuition has been dwindling.

She waits apprehensively in the line, quickly paying and hurrying out of the store. By now, she assumes, Lapis already has everything picked out.  
Though as she approaches the exit of the store, something taps her on the shoulder. Someone.

As she turns her head, and her brain registers the word _fuck_ , a hand wraps around her upper arm and pulls her into a nearby isle. Her grip on the bags seize, and her stomach lurches. Without even having to look. She knows the smell. Perfume that's too strong. It's embedded into the darkest recesses of her mind. It makes her eyes water.  
Peridot doesn't say anything. Doesn't speak, doesn't scream, doesn't call out. Her knees buckle and the rest of her stiffens. The grip on her arm gone, a hand snakes around her face from behind, covering her mouth, another resting on her hip. She closes her eyes.

"Long time, no see."

A sob chokes her, practically falling out of her throat.

"Oh there's no need for that."

But there is. Tears prick her eyes, threatening to fall, gliding down her cheeks silently.

"Hey now," and so the hand that covers her mouth lets go, shifting her glasses to wipe the droplets away. "Relax-" _Relax?_ "We're in public. And it's only me," she practically purrs.

"Where's the other one?" Peridot inhales shakily, pupils dilating at the sudden intake of light as she attempts to look behind herself.

"I should be asking you the same question."

"Either of you lay a finger on her- I'll gut you and sling you on a judas cradle," Peridot spits, jerking her head away from the hand.

"That's not very nice," Emerald pouts, stepping back as Peridot spins around. "She's at home. Didn't think I would run into you here."

Sneering, she rolls her eyes. "Run into? Please- you probably followed me here, sick bastard."

Falsely offended, Emerald places a hand over her chest, gasping as though the shallow jibe actually hurt. "I did nothing of the sort." Her expression darkens. "And even if I did-" she presses Peridot against the shelf, forearm jammed into her neck. "There's nothing you could do about it."

"What do you want? You said you'd leave me alone," Peridot struggles, still scowling.

"I've changed my mind."

"You can't just-"

"I can. I'll do whatever I please. I could still rat you out to Yellow Diamond, and you'd be powerless."

"I'd rather be dead than let you touch me again."

"Oh?" Fingers slide under Peridot's shirt, trailing up her torso, fingernails pressing menacingly into the skin. "Careful what you wish for Dot. You gone, Lapis is as good as dead too. You wouldn't abandon her like that, would you?"

"Don't call me that. And get off me."

"Why should I?"

"Please, you're not going to try anything. We're in public. I'll scream."

"No you won't. Someone will call the police. Then you'd be screwed." Nonetheless, Emerald lets go, and Peridot cringes as unwanted pressure falls onto her leg. Wasn't prepared.

"What do you want with me?" Peridot reiterates, squinting harshly.

"I'm bored. You're fun to play with."

"Can't you just leave me alone?!" She hisses, through clenched teeth. "For once, things are actually okay. I've got Lapis, and I'm finally on meds so I don't have to see your eyes every time I close mine. Find another toy."

"You enjoy the attention. Why else would you still be standing there, arguing with me?"

"Why would I enjoy the... the _attention_?"

"Cause you've got no where else to go for it. You know all too well that Jasper's too large and overbearing. Am I wrong?"

"How did you know about-"

"Lapis is practically a child. You'd have no fun fooling around with her, would you?"

"Shut up!"

"You know I'm right, though," Emerald deadpans, glancing around to make sure there is no one else near.

"Yeah, you're right. I wouldn't have fun fooling around with her. I wouldn't have fun fooling around with anyone. You ruined that for me."

Sighing, she laces arms with Peridot, pulling them both out of the isle, and out of the store. "I almost feel bad. Go get Lapis, and tell her that shade of blue is a tad too dark. I'll see you later." Emerald takes a sharp right turn, leaving Peridot behind, gagging as the smell of overwhelming perfume rushes past her, and bile rises in her throat.

* * *

 

_I'll see you later._

_What is that suppose to mean?_

Peridot isn't sure she wants to find out.

She shakes off the exchange, heading into the drugstore and to the isle where she knows Lapis will be.  
Leaning against the wall, she taps her foot nervously, expression shifting as she sees Peridot approaching. Too caught up in holding the box up to her hair, asking if the color matches, she doesn't notice Peridot looks a bit paler than usual.

And Peridot squints at the box, stomach lurching once more.

"The color's... a little too dark." And it is. "Try one shade lighter."

* * *

Upon their arrival to home, Lapis sprints into the bathroom, calling out "I'm dyeing my hair now thank you Peridot!", and closes the door. And Peridot has a vague idea of the process, though not of how long it will take. So she busies herself with putting food away, and even tidying up, the occasional whiff of bleach wafting from the bathroom stings. Makes her eyes water and leaves a metallic taste in her mouth.

But she prefers it over perfume.

And when she's done with cleaning, because her patience wears thin, remembering just how much she actually hates it, there isn't much she's left to do. Sitting down in her computer chair, Peridot frowns, absentmindedly running her hand over the fingernail marks on her ribs. Still vaguely sore. Not good.

_I'll see you later._

_See you later._

_No. Not good at all._  

Stirred from her thoughts, Peridot glances down as her phone vibrates. A text? A decent distraction.  
She unlocks it, opening the message. From Jasper. Naturally.

' _Peridot ok look I have the best idea its really good I swear_.'

' _Afraid to ask. What is it?'_

_'Ok so I promise I am not crazy. Gonna have another party.'_

Peridot locks her phone, and sets it face down.

_I'll see you later._


	29. Idiot

Stupid, stupid, stupid! Why had she agreed to come to the party?

Peridot groans, her grip on Lapis' hand impossibly tight. The plan doesn't make any sense! Well, no, it does. But there is a slim chance that it will work out in their favor. So many things could go awry! She huffs, maneuvering through the house before something goes terribly wrong. She needs to find Jasper. She needs to get Lapis someplace safe. She needs to stay away from _them,_ because they will certainly arrive here soon, if they aren't here already.

After their brief text conversation, Peridot had immediately stepped outside and called Jasper, demanding an explanation. And of course, she'd received one, which was followed by a 'what', a growl, and Peridot hanging up.

She had no choice but to go. Jasper's idiocy was going to be the death of her. And Pearl was unable to sway her on the decision.

"You imbecile!" Peridot hisses the moment she sees Jasper. Pointing a finger at her accusingly, she tugs Lapis closer, frantically glancing about to make sure _they_ aren't there. "This will get you killed!"

"No it won't, calm down," Jasper replies, frowning slightly and grabbing her beer off the table.

"I'm not going to _calm down._ Do you have any idea how reckless th-"

"I'm perfectly aware. Remember, I'm doing this for you Peri _dick,_ " she huffs, taking a swig.

"That's..." Peridot falters. "That's the point. I didn't ask you to do this! If you get hurt, I'll feel guilty."

"I'm gonna get hurt. Get ready to buy me some flowers-"

"What exactly is going on here?" Lapis interrupts, her voice timid and drowned out by the roar of sound coming from everyone else.

"We're staying upstairs until this blows over. I won't be the one to call the ambulance," Peridot threatens, stepping away and dragging Lapis with her.

"That's Pearl's job," Jasper calls after her, swallowing a particularly large gulp of alcohol. She squints at the bottle, swirling the small amount of liquid that's left. "I'm gonna need a lot more than this..."

* * *

 

"Peridot, what's happening?" Lapis cringes, fumbling to keep up with Peridot as she's pulled up the stairs. "Why are we here? What's-"

"I'll explain, one second."

Lapis frowns. She doesn't like it. She doesn't like the way Peridot is acting. Frantic, disoriented- angry. Peridot pulls her into a room- the one she had stayed in. it seems so recent. But it's been months. Lapis doesn't like it. Her perception of time is poor.

Closing the door, Peridot grumbles something that Lapis can safely assume has the word 'idiot'. Idiot idiot idiot. Footsteps loud against the wooden floor, she paces across the room, tugging at her hair, while Lapis watches. Terrified. Sliding onto the bed, pulling the sheets up around herself. Never seen Peridot like this before. Angry, yes. But this...?  Rampaging practically.

Peridot scowls. What an idiot! Surges of frustration pulse through her, and she can't hear the party through her inner monologue and heavy breathing. Though, she doesn't need to hear to know what's going on.  
Laughter. Music too vulgar for her taste. Loud. Loud loud loud. Base drop. Melody. Rhythm. Base drop. Bright lights. Blaring lights. Bottle opener. Beer. A lighter clicks on. Pot. She can smell it. Down the hall. Down the hall is a group of idiots. Down the stairs, a group of morons. In the kitchen, drinking a Budweiser. Heineken. Corona. Sam Adams. Miller Light. Guinness. Something.  
In the kitchen is the most idiotic one in the house.

Scratch that.

The most idiotic one is Peridot.

If she had just listened to Jasper. It wouldn't be happening. It's her fault.

Peridot lets out something a mix of a sob and a yell.

She's overreacting. She's well aware. Though she's endangered her friends. And that's reason enough to be mad. At herself. Not Jasper.

Jasper is an adult. She can handle herself. It's not Peridot's responsibility.  
Jasper made the decision to be an idiot.

"I can't believe s-"

"Peridot."

What? Oh. Lapis.

"What?" Peridot grouses, immediately cringing at her harsh tone. And she goes to mumble out an apology but Lapis cuts her off.

"Come here."

"Wh- what?"

Instead of repeating herself, Lapis simply extends her arms, opening them, and tilting her head. And although Peridot raises an eyebrow, she understands perfectly. So she sighs crossly, and humors the small girl, climbing onto the bed. And Lapis wraps her arms around Peridot and rubs her back and hums some comforts, waiting until the frown is replaced with something more neutral.

And Peridot hates how easily Lapis does that.

"Better?"

"A bit. Thank you."

"Okay, now- please explain what is going on."

And so upon the request, she does.

Explains how Jasper is having the party on purpose. That she knows Emerald and Amber will be there. And so will the diamonds. All four of them. Except, no one else knows that. That Jasper is going to intentionally piss off Emerald and Amber, and get herself hurt. Make Emerald and Amber want to fight her. So that they'd be the ones to start a fight. Though, naturally, fights are common. Fights happen all the time in casinos and parties, so it isn't going to mean anything unless someone gets critically injured. They can't exile Emerald or Amber unless someone gets critically injured because of their actions. Someone. Jasper. That Jasper is going to piss them off, get sent to the hospital, and the diamonds will see, finally. Finally have a reason to kick them out. Finally. Fucking finally.

"I thought you couldn't get admitted to a hosp-"

"We _can't_. So I don't underst-"

_Knock._

A knock?

On the door. The bedroom door.

"What?" Peridot calls, sliding off the bed.

The door creaks open, an eye peeking through.

"Hey- Peridot?" It's Ruby. "You..." The door opens more. Sapphire is standing behind her. They exchange a glance before Ruby gestures out the hall, presumably down the stairs.  
"You might want to check this out."

"Moron! Lapis- stay here. Lock the door." Peridot snarls, rushing out the room, slamming the door behind her. She follows Ruby and Sapphire down the stairs, a small part in the back of her mind surprised they haven't made a comment about Lapis. They- they were the ones who sold her to... Peridot frowns.

* * *

 

Because Lapis is young. Because Lapis is naive. Because she cares about Peridot, she doesn't listen. She waits until the stomping footsteps have faded, and she too, slides off the bed, and tip toes down the stairs.

* * *

 

And so Peridot doesn't question it. Peridot barely gives it a second thought. When she enters the room, noticing White Diamond standing in the corner, along with what she assumes is Pink Diamond- not that she would know- she doesn't have a reason to suspect anything as she sees Amber stomping off, the opposite direction of Jasper. Jasper, with a beer in her hand, squinting tauntingly at Emerald. And by god what an idiot.

Jasper says something, Peridot can't be sure what. But Jasper says something and Peridot knows because she watches Jasper's mouth move. Forming words that she can't hear. She can't hear. And everything slows as an expression passes over Emerald's face. Scowl briefly softening, eyes widening, and it must have struck a chord. She looks... sad. Hurt. Conflicted. Peridot almost feels bad. Pity. And you'd think it's the same look one might have, as they found out their facade of high and mighty, was more transparent than they intended it to be. But then her face contorts into a nasty frown again and she steps forward, fist raised, and-

_snap._

A broken nose.

How unoriginal.

And Peridot watches the blood drip down from Jasper's face, whose eye twitches, despite nerves firing signals that says _this really fucking hurts._

And White Diamond crosses her arms, eyes flickering to the doorway as, again, what she _assumes,_ is Blue Diamond, steps into the room. And Peridot watches the silent exchange, too horrified to move. Watches Jasper stumble back, fall to the ground, and Emerald gets on top of her.

Punch, after punch, after punch. Assaulting her, onslaught of hits, and everything is so bloody.

Somewhere, Peridot can hear Pearl. Can hear her over the noise, even though it's completely silent. Silent yet loud. She can hear Pearl above others, others who are panicking. She can hear Amethyst, she can hear Garnet- she can hear Pearl. Can hear her pause. Doesn't know she's pulling out her phone. Doesn't know she dials and holds the phone up to her ear. Hear Pearl hastily sputtering 'Robin, Robin, we need an ambulance now-' Who is Robin?

Then Peridot blinks, scanning the room because Emerald and Amber know she must be there. Must know Peridot is there. Are they looking for her- is Amber looking for her?

Where is Amber.

 _Get to Lapis_.


	30. Give Her Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CAN I NOT DEDICATE CHAPTERS ?  
> WELL FUCK  
> THIS CHAPTER IS FOR ROBIN AKA THEREACTIONOF1984  
> WHICH EXPLAINS THAT ONE PART, but that one part is mostly to explain how they were able to call an ambulance,,,, but its for robin cause they are great  
> http://thereactionof1984.tumblr.com/post/126127117595/thegayfuchsia-thereactionof1984-u-love-pearl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a lot of drama cause i wanted to write drama so fuck u  
> love u
> 
> also i accidentally posted this instead of going back so if there are errors u know why  
> just politely point them out in th comments if u see any lmao

Lapis doesn't want to know.

Doesn't want to know what's going on. Why it's so loud. Why there's a disturbance. She wants to know where Peridot is.

Sneaking quietly down the stairs, cringing as the wooden steps creak under her weight, though that's not much, and it's not like there's someone around to hear, right? Right. They're all in the other room, dealing with what she assumes is the fight, as she can vaguely hear someone demanding an ambulance, and that only makes her want to find Peridot even more. Peridot wouldn't get herself hurt, right?  
That's funny.  
Getting hurt is all Peridot ever does.

She creeps down the hall, peering around the corner to get a better look into the room, and hopefully not be spotted. Though, what's the worst that could happen if she did? Peridot would chastise her later, and that would be the end of it.

There's a lot of people she doesn't recognize. Though, what else is to be expected? However she does recall the face of Yellow Diamond, who appears only briefly in the blur of many faces, as they race about, or stand completely still and watch. Either too drunk or high to know what to do, or not wanting to get involved. Because fights are entertaining, so why attempt to break it up?  
Catching a glimpse of green, that stands in the corner, Lapis prepares to step down into the room of chaos.

But something in front of her glints, and a cool sensation slides across her neck, a hand coming around her from behind, clamping down over her mouth.

"It'd do you good not to scream."

And Lapis gets tugged back down the hall, shaking as she's pulled into a vacant room, far away from the fight.

* * *

As things speed back up, Peridot rushes forward, doing her best to haul Emerald off of Jasper. Grunting, Amethyst joins her too, and once Emerald is off, Garnet steps up, easily restraining her. Good, good. 'Just hold her until we sort everything out.' Alright, not a problem.  
Emerald kicks, resisting, screaming things at Jasper who is most certainly not hearing them, yet she continues to scream anyway. The diamonds stay out of her line of sight, figuring it best not to get involved until they agree on something, as they bow their heads, and resume a hushed conversation. But what is their to discuss? Get rid of them already.

Them.

Where's the other one.

Peridot bolts out of the room, quite baffled that no one else has thought to look for Amber, tripping and nearly falling on the short set of three steps that lead into the kitchen. And she finds it odd that there's no one else there. Everyone had gathered in the living room to watch the fight. And that seems off.  
She continues forward, listening very carefully to each sound, watching for the slightest instance of movement. In turning the corner, her eyes widen upon stumbling across... well...

Amber has Lapis in a hostile grip, a knife to her neck, hand over her mouth. It might be an amusing thing to look at, because Amber is short, but Peridot doesn't find it comical at all.

"Fancy meeting you here," Amber grins coyly, angling the blade so light reflects into Peridot's eye.

"Let her go."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't _want to._ " Her tone grows very aggressive, very quickly, back hunched over, pressed against a wall.

"What- what do you want? I'll give you anything-!"

At this, there is a pause. As though she is actually thinking about something. About what she wants, and this only causes her to become more hysterical.

"I want her back! G- give her back- Give back what you took from me!" Amber hisses, her grip on Lapis tightening.

"I didn't take Lapis from y-"

"That's not what I _meant!_ You're not _d_ _umb,_ Peridot. Use your brain for once."

_What does she mean?  
What- who could I have possibly-_

_Oh._

"A- Amber..."

" _What?!_ "

"I- I didn't take her from you, I-"

"Yes you did!" Pressing the knife closer, pushing slightly into the skin of Lapis' neck, Amber snarls, her eye twitching. "You're all she _ever_ talks about. I'm sick of it! Sick of hearing your name!"

"I-"

" _You took away what I loved, so now I'm taking away what you love!"_

Peridot falters. Amber is on the verge of tears, scowling, even so. She's broken. _This girl is broken. What has she been doing to her? Clouded with sadness and hurt, hidden by anger. Peridot's expression softens temporarily._

"Amber. How old are you?"

Now it's her turn to falter. "Wh- what? St- _stop distracting me you're trying to change the subject!"_

"I- I'm not. I swear. Amber..." Holding her hands up, Peridot takes a step back and tilts her head.

There's a lull. A long, drawn out, empty moment. The knife in Amber's hand begins to shake, and in turn, she presses it even closer against Lapis' neck. She sniffles, her frown being replaced with something Peridot can't explain.  
"Eigh- Eighteen. I'm... I'm eighteen."

She's just a kid. Younger than Peridot. Younger than Lapis. She's just a kid.

"How old is she?"

"Twenty five."

"Amber. Killing Lapis isn't going to change anything. You know that. You're smart."

"I- I just want her back. I just want her back, Peridot." She whines, a few tears slipping down her cheeks. "I just want her to love me again. And _not you_!"

"She's no good for you," Peridot murmurs, hands still raised, she takes a few steps forward.

"You're no good for Lapis," she spits, though through a sob. "Look at what you've gotten her into."

"She hurts people on purpose. She's bad. There's a difference between good people who sometimes do bad things, and bad people who sometimes do good things."

"You're lying. People aren't just black and white like that."

"I know that. I'm not dumb. You... you're a good person Amber. I really think you are. Don't let her hurt you anymore."

"She's not hurting me," Amber growls, but her grip on Lapis slackens. "She... she recused me from the streets. She wouldn't hurt me- she... she cares about me."

Forcing down a growl of her own, Peridot pinches the bridge of her nose. She doesn't have time for this drama. "Amber, you're such a bright girl. You can't really believe that, can you?"

"She's _not_ a bad person. Neither am I."

The girl is gone. She's brainwashed. Completely and utterly blind to the truth, even though it's right in front of her face. She wouldn't recognize reality if it bit her on the nose. Peridot feels awful. Guilty. Empathy for her, this girl that she hates. And she knows there's no saving her.

"Amber, being jealous of me isn't going to make things better. Killing Lapis won't either. I know you have every reason not to trust me, but _why_ would I lie to you? You... you remind me of Lapis so much. I just..." Peridot sighs, deflating. Stepping up to the two of them, she runs a hand through her hair, crouching down to look Amber in the eye. "I know I'm not going to change your mind on that. But please, Lapis got placed in an unfortunate position, and so did you. Don't take it out on her."

"Why shouldn't I?'

"Okay, honestly," Peridot chuckles. "You think Emerald will want to deal with a target hanging over both of your heads, saying 'Wanted for Murder'? We're all human. If you truly believe she's not a monster, just talk to her. She will understand. And if she doesn't, she's not worth it."

Amber hesitates. _It's the same look one might have, as they found out their facade of high and mighty, was more transparent than they intended it to be. But then her face contorts into a nasty frown and-_

And she lets Lapis go, bringing the knife down, pushing her away. Pushing her towards Peridot. Lapis stumbles, falling onto her, breathing shakily. Peridot wraps her arms around Lapis and pulls her up into a standing position as she spins around to face Amber.

Amber, who rolls her eyes, a vexed expression masking a hurt one, mutters out an empty threat. "Fuck... fuck you. I hate you two- you're both idiots. Go, just- fuck off before I change my mind."

"That's not exactly an option you have."

Who? What- oh. Yellow Diamond, and... White Diamond? How convenient. Lapis clings to Peridot, borderline sobbing, and they step aside, allowing Amber to cower against the wall, dropping the knife. It clatters to the ground, and her pupils dilate, glancing around for, well, that's obvious enough.

"Your friend is in serious trouble."

She cringes.

"You, however... can't be held accountable, as you weren't involved in the fight-"

"What?! That's bullshit, are you serious?" Peridot interjects, keeping Lapis steady.

"There's nothing we can hold against her. Not that we've witnessed anyway."

* * *

 

It all happens so fast. Too fast. She's still struggling to process the information.

Taking Lapis outside, partially upon request, partially because she needs to breath herself, Peridot frowns, noticing Pearl it outside, pacing back and forth on the sidewalk.

"Shouldn't you be inside, assisting Jasper? Aren't you like, a nurse or something?" Peridot deadpans, making Lapis sit down.

"Now is hardly the time for jokes!" Pearl is most certainly panicking, as she grips at the ends of her short hair, staring frustratedly at the other two.

"Okay, okay. You're right. But... why are you outside?"

"I'm waiting f-"

On cue, an ambulance pulls up, although the lights nor siren are on. Out steps someone who Peridot assumes is Robin, as Pearl immediately begins to repeat the name, running up to them.

"Thank you for coming we need to go right now we n-"

"Was it Amethyst again?"

"No, Jasper."

"Figures. Stay out here, and listen to the radio."

"But I-"

"No buts."

Robin heads inside the apartment, and most people disperse, seeing as someone with authority has arrived. And Pearl pouts, but does what she's told, sliding into the passenger seat, and crossing her arms. Peridot does resume a conversation with her, but only after calming Lapis down, who complains that she feels nauseous.

Because the world spins and she can hear everything and nothing. Can feel nothing except a blade pressed against her neck, even though it's not there anymore. And it's scorching hot but also freezing cold and she's sweating but shivering at the same time. It's not pleasant at all. She grips onto Peridot, knuckles turning white, and feels bile rise in her throat, burning, making her eyes water. So Peridot sits down too, rubs her back and hums soothing words, promising that they'll go home and sleep soon.  
But once she's relaxed, Peridot turns to Pearl.

"How did you know an EMT?"

"I'm a _'nurse',_ remember?" Pearl spits, rolling her eyes, using the generalized comment against her. "Everyone knows each other in the medical field."

"Pearl you... know we can't call the police or get admitted to hospitals at the risk of exposing everyone. So why is-"

"How rude- of course I know that! What kind of person do you take me for? R- Robin... is aware of what goes on. They agreed to help me, while simultaneously keeping our cover. It's fine. Everything is taken care of. No one is going to get outed."

"How did you get Robin to agree to something like that? If someone finds out..."

"Robin is... close... to me."

And the conversation would have continued, but Lapis interrupts before Peridot can ask anything else, insisting that they need to go home. Like, now. Right now. So Peridot gives in, standing up, and helping Lapis do the same, even though she's not quite sure what Pearl means.

But she gets the idea as they begin to walk away, and Robin comes outside, choosing to discreetly hold Pearl's hand instead of bidding them farewell.

* * *

Peridot doesn't want to know.

She doesn't want to know what happened to Jasper, aside from the obvious that her nose is broken. Most certainly broken.

She doesn't want to know what will become of Emerald. Become of Amber even.

She just wants to curl up, and sleep. Forever, if that were possible.

This is her fault. All of it. All of it's her fault.

It's so cliche too.

Once they're home, Peridot is sure to lock the door.  
She tucks Lapis into bed, following suit.

But can only stare up at the ceiling, _you're no good for Lapis, look at what you've gotten her into,_ playing in her mind like a broken record.

And she knows Amber is right.

 


	31. Worth It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rip readers  
> rip @ peridot

She ignores it.

Disregards it totally.

Ignores the nagging, pinching feeling that dwells constantly in the back of her mind. Whispering and grinning with pointed, crooked teeth that ' _Amber is right'._ The words curl and swirl around in her skull, thumping around, knocking against the sides as though her head were empty. Hollow. It might as well be. How stupid. How stupid had she been?! To allow someone- a stranger- to invade her... to... to allow herself to become so obsessed and enthralled with a single person. One girl. And her whole facade of stoic, calm, and collected falls. Comes burning and crashing to the ground, shattering into little bits and pieces of who she used to be.

How stupid.

And.

And how delightful.

In a twisted way, Peridot thrives off of it. Thrives on how... disheveled her life has become. A mess. In a sick, twisted way where she stares at her reflection in the bathroom mirror at two AM, and watches as everything fades and how her face is pale and her eyes are red and her hair is a mess. The corners of the mirror go fuzzy and her skin is warm to the touch yet her body is wracked with shivers and she takes her glasses off even though she'd only just put them back on (as they get in the way of certain  _activities)_ and laughs. Laughs quietly. Until her sides hurt and tears prick at her eyes and Peridot squints at the mirrored version of herself and chuckles silently until she's not laughing at all and she's crying. But she's still smiling because her life is a wreck. She's a wreck.

_I'm a wreck._

_I'm a mess._

Peridot _thrives_ off of how empty it leaves her. How she feels so empty. Even after everything. After pinning Lapis to the bed, (who giggles and makes a variety of addicting sounds that send pinpricks of electricity down Peridot's spine. That fill her will a warm, sickly sweet feeling. Unfamiliar feelings, yet not so much.) After smirking in the tangled limbs and sweaty flesh and hands that roam a little more freely than they should. Snaking over every inch of skin they can get to, threading through hair and tugging. Mouth latching onto her neck and leaving marks that are a little more than noticeable, leaving teeth marks that hurt when she'll press against them later. But in a good way. After feeling Lapis squirm under her, after breath shortens on both ends, breathing heavy, labored, and loud. A flurry of bodies and warmth and sounds that leaves them both shaking. Leaves a tingly feeling all over, a buzz. A drunken stupor that washes over the quiet of night, blankets them in soft, inviting arms, and yet.  
After all that.

Peridot feels empty, despite the pleasant, hot feeling that worms its way though her, prodding and spreading through her fingers and arms and torso and legs and toes, a slow molasses, sugar that begs to be let in. Pleads for Peridot to accept it. Wants her so desperately to be okay.  
But she's not okay.

She pushes the potential cavities away, though is weak enough to stay in bed. Gives in. To wrap her arms around Lapis and hold her close, and press kisses to her cheek and forehead until she dozes off, (despite protests of _'are you sure?'_ , and _'I really would not mind returning the-'_ "Yes Lapis, it's fine."), going slack, head rolling to the side. Fighting the way her body feels, ignoring the pulses firing and urges and figures that her nerves will just have to wait, Peridot tells herself that she doesn't need anything.  
She doesn't _need that._  
She doesn't _want that._   
She _shouldn't want that._ _Stop wanting that._

_You don't need that._

_You need a shower._

_Now._

And Peridot finds that she's arguing with herself again. That _no she doesn't._ That _Lapis isn't them. It's okay. Sto_ _p freaking out._

Only to be met by _they're all the same. Go take a shower._

_They're not the same._

_Yes they are._

_No they're **not.**_ _You don't get to decide those things anymore._

But she stills cries. In the dead of night. Peridot still quivers as silent sobs flood her body and she clings to the only thing she can. To Lapis. Lapis, who is still asleep. And even in sleep, she does the same. Holds Peridot too. Like some part of her knows to do.

Of course she knows to.

Lapis is perfect.

Lapis is a kid.

More than that.

Peridot scolds herself. Lapis isn't a kid. She needs to stop using that nickname.

Lapis has been through a lot. Much more than someone her age should have to go through. But she's so brave. Lapis is so, exceptionally brave.

She gets up. Puts her glasses on. Stumbles to the bathroom. Takes off her glasses. Laughs. And cries some more.

 

However, Peridot will refuse, with every fiber of her pathetic being, will absolutely refuse to use the word _regret._ Evades the thought of _remorse._ Repels the idea of _wishing she could take it back._

She doesn't. Does not wish to take it back. Every atom, vein, muscle protests, reeling back, waves of an unsettling heat rocket through her. But there's a reason for that. Her mind can only recall the negative associated with it. Therefore, Peridot reminds herself to calm. It's different now. Things are going well for a change.

Letting out a guttural groan, Peridot crawls back into bed, and pulls the sheet so it sufficiently covers the two of them. Lapis will appreciate that.

* * *

 

In the morning, Lapis is oddly the first to wake. Though sunlight doesn't filter though the slits in the blinds like it usually does. Because it's raining. Tiny droplets pitter patter, thud, drum, and splat against the roof, and it makes things hazy. A cozy, homey sensation swallows Peridot as she blinks her eyes open drowsily, much like how other feelings pour into her until it's all she can remember.

And a sound of recognition- recognition that Peridot is awake- bubbles out from the back of Lapis' throat, and the leg that is hooked over Peridot's hips bends, and pulls her closer. Lapis reaches up, and says nothing, cupping the side of Peridot's face, rubbing her cheek with her thumb, every now and then trailing up to run through her hair. Messy hair. Messy person.

Lapis lets her bask in the moment. The rhythmic tapping of the rain sends them both into a torpor and Peridot closes her eyes again.

"Sleep well?" Lapis murmurs, bringing her hand down, splaying it across her torso.

"Well... I slept," Peridot offers, with a quiet chuckle. "How about you?"

Though all she gives in response to the question is a hum. She closes her eyes too.

* * *

 

It was worth it. Peridot finally convinces herself.   
Not that much persuasion had to be done.

She knew it. Knew it well.

Hates herself for being a case. Knows others go through similar things, despise themselves just as much, but turn out okay.

Peridot thinks she can turn out okay.

Not if she stays like this. Not if they stay like this.

Because Peridot knows that people don't recover overnight. Often times, never fully recover, and will relapse and suffer daily but they're so much better than they were before.  
And the way she can faintly hear Lapis' breathing, can remember distantly the almost musical sounds she'd made- the sheer joy that can come from a single one of her smiles. From her kisses.

Peridot thinks that's worth all the suffering.

Worth getting better.

So they need to go someplace better.

It's worth it.


	32. Scattered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> boy howdy i have such b ad writers block im so sorry for the wait. ive been busy w/ starting school and medical issues but im here
> 
> please forgive me i hope this will suffice for the long pause where i didnt update. i know it wont but.
> 
> im sorry

She's sick of waking up. Sick of taking pill after pill after pill. Pretending like she's okay. Like some... neurotypical. Because what neurotypical finds an excuse to get drunk every afternoon. Bottle after bottle until it's not even alcohol and it's water. Juice. Drink after drink. Starting to think her kidney is failing. It's been that way for a while. Where she can't even bring herself to get out of bed, save for the sorry excuse of checking the fridge or finding Lapis.  
  
Only for them to just get back in bed.

Lapis doesn't say anything. She wants to. Desperately. The words won't come to her. And she despises herself for the way she can almost tell Peridot to stop. Almost. But the words are swallowed like bile when shirts come off and there are lips on her neck. And she figures the words can wait until tomorrow.

A sudden intake of breath- a gasp as it's known. Lapis gasps.

It isn't Peridot. So it has to be Lapis.

Normally that would be a good thing, though the two are far beyond normal.

What is normal?

Peridot thinks normal could be sitting on the beach and sunrise and taking midday walks. Normal is paying taxes and forgetting to buy toilet paper or sticky notes. Normal is fretting over which socks to wear.

Normal is something Peridot doesn't know.

Normal is an obscure concept that only just now infiltrates her mind (except for the time a few nights ago, when she figured it would be worth getting better for. but who needs to risk that?) possibilities of what it might be, worming its way through every nerve, atom, and subatomic particle in her body. Teasing of what could have been. What will _never_ be. Because she's a stubborn bitch who wouldn't get her life together if the world depended on in.

Forgetting to put gas in the car and Facebook drama and wondering what the price of a toll bridge is. Digging through pockets for an ID, chucking a pillow across the room because she's angry.

Not even that specific.

Normal is buckling up a seat belt.

Normal is going to work.

Normal is setting an alarm.

Normal is making the bed.

Peridot doesn't know what normal truly is.

Because to her normal is being alone, drunk at three AM. Vomiting up the only food she's eaten in three days because vodka and ramen and a tub of chocolate icecream was not an intelligent choice. Normal is getting sick to her stomach at the thought of what happened last time she heard a gasp. Traumatizing memories that creep into her vision and claw her eyes out. Biting her lips until they bleed and scab over and then biting the skin that's trying to heal itself. Herself. Normal is fainting at the smell of a perfume. Peridot's normal is not innocent.

Her normal is suffocating. Deadly.

And so, when Lapis gasps, Peridot stops immediately. She stops so suddenly and panics, eyes widening, if they weren't already wide enough if the dim light of her room. And can't muster up a single pleasant memory associated with the sound so she stops breathing and pulls away. Pulls her head out of the junction that is between Lapis' neck and shoulder. And cringes and pulls her hand out from under Lapis' shirt.  
  
That doesn't make much of a difference anyway, because the material is riding up Lapis' torso and leaves little to the imagination. Doesn't even bother to pull her shirt down. Doesn't have enough shame. And Peridot grabs Lapis by the arms and sits up- away. So she's not leaning against Peridot. Even though she's still technically sitting on top of Peridot. It's still away.  
Unable to move her gaze from the very red (obvious even in the harsh lighting) pronounced marks that now inhabit Lapis' neck, not wanting to admit that they're bites, Peridot looks down.

Humiliated. Embarrassed.

She should have known to stop. She did know. She didn't listen. They shouldn't have gone this far again.  
And the room is dark save for the dying lamp on the nightstand but that's all she needs. Ignoring the lidded eyes that Lapis has- her shallow breaths and flushed face- Peridot lets go of one arm, and wipes the saliva from the corner of her mouth, sighing. Exasperated. 

However, it's not Peridot who speaks first.

"I'm sorry."

What?

"What? No I'm..." Peridot tries to say something. Tries. But her brain is compromised. Warm and sweet and cider, foggy, cloudy, like she drank something she wasn't suppose to. 

"I'm sorry," Lapis repeats, her voice a bit more firm, but not by much. "I- I shouldn't have... I know you're not okay with this kind of situation. I shouldn't have-"

"Shouldn't have what? Lapis you're fine."

"But _you're not._ I can see it. We don't have to do anything."

"I'm fine Lapis," Peridot spits, a little too harshly. Not to Lapis. But to herself. Like she has to prove it to herself. Convince herself. "I'm not a kid. I can handle myself."

"But you-"

"We've done this before, right? It's not something I can't manage."

"It's not something you should have to _manage,_ Peridot." Lapis tugs her shirt down, finally having the sense to cover up.

"It's not your job to protect me from myself."

That's the single most ridiculous thing Lapis has heard. That's all she's been doing for nearly a week. If she was honest with herself, it's what she's been doing since the day Peridot took her home. Frustrating. Anger. " _But it feels like it is!_ I shouldn't have let you get carried away- I shouldn't be letting you drink yourself silly! You're drunk _right now!_ "

"I'm not-!"

It's silent. Deafeningly silent.

Giving up, or giving in, (because she knows Peridot won't admit it.) the small fit of rage leaves Lapis and she heaves out a sigh. "You are." She leans down, and kisses Peridot, snuggling up to her once again, (maybe they're both drunk.) and Lapis hates herself because the words came out, but they didn't do anything. "Your breath smells like beer."

Peridot apologizes. Rather humbly but they both know it means nothing.

That's all they dare say on the matter.

* * *

 "Do hospitals bother you?"

"A little. Why?"

"Because we're going to visit Jasper."

It's a bit of an oddity. It feels like the party was quite some time ago. It hasn't been that long. At least, not long enough for any unsolicited phone calls or surprise visits from the person Peridot's convinced is the devil. What ever happened to her?

Peridot snorts.

She's probably living on the doorstep. Or in the back alley. Must be awful jealous listening to what goes on some rare nights. Probably pretty upset that she's not part of the equation. Even more furious once she realizes it's her doing.

It's the morning. Peridot still feels guilt swirling in her head alongside the ache that comes with a hangover. Lapis was right. She had been drunk.

Working diligently over the stove, making something Peridot won't have the ability or conscious to stomach, the smaller slips a joke how she's a slave to the kitchen. The joke, naturally evokes a crude joke from Peridot and they both somehow end up laughing with equally red faces. It's better than the alternative, obligatory awkward silence.

Though it's just a distraction. Because neither wants to think about what going to the hospital will mean. Why Jasper is in there in the first place.

It's her fault.

* * *

Pearl drives them. They would have taken Jasper's car, but the keys are inside the locked apartment, and Peridot doesn't feel like paying for breaking in just to get them.

It's not relevant who sits where or how long the drive is. What roads they take or what radio station is on. (It would be easy to fill pages on Peridot's contempt towards Pearl's taste in music.) Or how difficult it is to get directions to Jasper's room. Or having to come up with an excuse as to how they know Jasper. But Peridot's a compulsive liar at this point. Only when she needs to be.

Because the first thing she blurts out upon walking into Jasper's room is "you look like shit." Directed at the brute herself.

It takes Jasper an empty moment to process the compliment but a dopey smile creeps onto her face when she realizes who's stopped by to visit. And being suggestive, like she is, she instantly grows suspicious as to why Lapis is wearing a turtleneck. She doesn't mention it. But figures it out instantly.

When she does speak, her voice is gravely, unusually so. "You do too."


	33. Wax

Pearl hurriedly mumbles out a greeting, then excuse, so she can rush off to find Robin. The action might have been offensive, considering the situation, but things hardly ever offend Jasper. Hardly offend anyone. No one has the mental capacity to take offense.

Smoothing the fabric of her jacket out with slightly trembling fingers- who wouldn't be shaking? The sight of anyone in a hospital bed is terrifying enough. Hard knowing she's the reason the wires and needles and all things of the sort are poking into Jasper- Peridot ruffles her hair.  
She'd wanted to speak with Jasper- many things on her mind (Lapis can't ever replace the memory of her friendship with Jasper, although, it feels damaged). But Peridot finds it hard when Lapis is standing there. It hadn't occurred to Peridot that she'd wanted to talk about her problems with said girlfriend until now. And it's not exactly polite to talk about someone while they're in the room.

And Lapis understands. She holds up her hand in a passive manner, quicksteps over to the bed, and a hug is over before it began. Though she's eager to leave.

The door clicks shut, and despite the intrusive chatter coming from the hall, the room falls into an oddly still silence, which Jasper is more than happy to break.

"Get some?"

"Shut up."

It's light, melodically, seeming as though nothing is different. Nothing is wrong. That's a lie but.

Peridot essentially barks out a laugh, sitting on the bedside, where it barely shifts under the weight she doesn't have. No wonder the doctors had looked at her funny. She can't remember the last time she's eaten something with sustenance. She can't remember the last lecture Lapis had given her on the topic.

She'd been too busy getting some.

"I'll assume that's a yes, and that my sacrifice wasn't for nothing."

"Jasper I d-"

"Let me live, Peridot."

She's about to say something. She really is. The words are on the tip of her tongue- right there, so close, her mouth opens to speak. But the words are stolen from her; quickly replaced by a sharp inhale, and a sob that gutters her entire body.

She doesn't mean to cry.

To open up and bawl her eyes out, sniffling and whimpering like she's five years old again. And in kindergarten, throwing crayons and snotting everywhere, screaming bloody mary, blubbering because she misses her mom.

She still misses her mom.

Misses peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and geometry homework. People stepping on the back of her shoes, and constantly squinting at the chalkboard because it seemed her glasses never had a strong enough prescription. As though she could go back to eighth grade and listen to emo bands all day and scoff at all the girls who dressed the same. Because looking back, it all seems so simple. She'd give anything to have that back.

But it's "Peridot, stop crying." that yanks her back to the real world, a solid punch to the gut that makes her want to vomit up the breakfast she didn't have. Running full speed into a brick wall as her tears stain the white sheets, because she knows it's all her fault. If.

If she hadn't been so soft. Hadn't allowed Lapis to change her, despite it being for the better. Peridot wishes she could go back. Even though it sounds cruel: wishes she forced Lapis to do what they'd initially planned. Never gone to the party. Let her whole secret out- anything but this.

"Sorry I'm-"

"Quit weeping and hug me so you can get a hold of yourself before Lapis comes back in."

And they do.

And Peridot spills everything in the process and Jasper listens, which is very uncharacteristic. Nods solemnly, purses her lips, and hugs her friend in a way that's scarily gentle and not overbearing when she begins to sniffle again.

Naturally, Jasper tells Peridot what she already expected to hear. She didn't want to however.

"You know that means you have to, like... leave."

"I'm aware," she all but grumbles, crossing her arms. As though acting stubborn will change the truth. "But it's out of the question."

"Why?"

"It's impos-"

"Peridot, just honestly shut the fuck up for a second. Get it through your thick skull that it's not impossible because Quartz did it. So you need to pull yourself together, and stop being a useless, egotistical lesbian. Lapis is going to follow you, regardless of where you go. Even if it'll get her killed- and if you stay here, it will."

 

* * *

 

It's not an immediate thing either.

Lapis creeps into the room and lifts the gloomy atmosphere. She brings an innocent, true way of elevating the negativity and it's yet another thing that reminds Peridot why she's head over heels for the girl in the first place.   
They chat idly as though nothing happened. Nothing is wrong.

Not forced.

Though eventually, Robin comes in, kicks them out. It's late. The sun has already slipped under the horizon, a few rays of light defy and break through the window. But it's fleeting, as many things are.

Drive home is silent, save for Pearl's detestable choice in music.

And Peridot nearly breaks down as they fall back into their routine. The door is scarcely closed and they're tugging each other's shirt off.  
She questions how they even got to be like this. From the rules, sleep, trouble, deals, hurt, and. Tears. An abundance of those.  
A crippling doubt of herself overwhelms Peridot, and it's apparent, as Lapis makes a point to murmur hushed praises that Peridot catches, though they're lost to the air. Each action elicits a tiny spark- a scintilla if you will. They move in sync, it's almost a dance, and reminds the both of them of the comforting petrichor.

In a limerence. Fancy words that don't do it justice.

A repeated punch in the gut, just as likely to vomit. Though when all is said and done, Peridot can sense an odd shift. Things are different. That's not necessarily a good thing.

They'll just have to wait and see.


	34. Out With The Tide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> thank you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you. for following and supporting me throughout this journey. i can easily say that this fic brought me so much- followers, publicity?? love, and it somehow made its way to be the #1 fic on ao3 for Lapidot in most categories. thank you. from the bottom of my heart.

It's rather anticlimactic.

  
Waking up in a dull haze, the previous day's conversations, posed problems, changes planned, all pushed to the back of her mind. For once, no target hanging over her head. No bulls-eye suspended, a perpetual fear that someone will show up and demand money that she doesn't have. Someone to barge in and steal her away and leave Lapis to fend for herself. Do unspeakable things because she wouldn't put it past them. Not today. It won't happen today. She can feel an odd peace resonate inside, one she hasn't felt in quite a while. A rare one, eyes fluttering open and a pleasant amber glow filtrating in from the blinds. (ha. how ironic). A golden honey filter, a beam of light shining directly on her face as a plea to be noticed. A plea for her to wake up. It's odd she's never woken up this way.

Before she wonders where they'll be in a month, before she contemplates their next move because there will have to be one- they can't stay here. They can't afford to. Mentally, at least, it's too taxing- before she thinks about any of that, she thinks about Lapis. A stated smile coming to rest upon her lips as her head shifts, pleased to find no headache, turning to face her sleeping companion.

Dull blue hair splayed in a multitude of directions, dark brown roots inching their way through, and she's never been so in love. Even if the tiny girl does look so comical, mouth slightly ajar, accompanied by what is certainly a line of drool- she chuckles at that, genuine despite it coming out gravely. Skin oily, makeup she'd had no regard to remove smudged, and the taller of the two finds she wants nothing more than to kiss Lapis.

And so she does. On the cheek.

Peridot loves her. And as bizarre as it is, she realizes only now that she was wrong. Yesterday. Because this is worth it. Their story, and fair share of struggle. To be here, tangled in sheets though still next to each other, knows she wouldn't hesitate to endure it again.

Love.

Perhaps that's what love is. Peridot was never really certain. Knows what it's not.

What Emerald and Amber had, not love- although she's not entirely sure what it was they had. She knows it wasn't love.

Infatuation maybe, but her brain is too foggy to comprehend words like that right now.

A hand lifts- she finds it's her own- seemingly on its on accord, shaky and a bit unwilling to cooperate with how she tells it to bend. Muscles seize up so Peridot takes a moment to flex her fingers, and stretch too, spine indulges in a series of obnoxiously loud cracks and pops, sounds almost painful but she relaxes with a sigh, and resumes what she meant to do in the first place.  
Shuffle closer to Lapis, mattress giving under her weight, turns on her side, reaching out, and cupping the side of the tiny girl's face. Her thumb does the thing where it brushes lightly against the skin- softly, and so much so, Peridot can barely feel that it happens. The only way she knows is because she sees it. But apparently that's enough, as it stirs Lapis from her sleep.

Naturally she resists at first, but gives in rather easily. Peridot's not sure what that means. Perhaps her companion has sensed the positive shift in atmosphere, despite her lack of consciousness. And Lapis caves, heaving out a breath through her nose, body rolling closer to the other, and it's only when their proximity is more than comfortable, that she opens her eyes.

And Peridot's heart does this- this little thing between a hiccup and a jump and a stutter and a skip and her whole being stills.

Because never. Never ever ever in her life did she think.  
  
That upon being someone's first sight in the morning, their immediate reaction would be to smile.

And it's lazy, and she's still waking up but she's moving again, forward. As she makes the slow movement, to fill the space and press her lips against the other's, Peridot thinks of how nice it is. To exist like this. In a suspended harmony, with another person.

Her- her body is still tingling. From last night. Not bad, though it makes a flush rise to her cheeks, and at this, she buckles out a tiny laugh. No reason. Though it spurs a fit, in the other girl too- both of them. And they're laughing against eachother's mouth. Giggling and snorting, and Lapis presses herself closer, so close in fact, their limbs are tangled uselessly and they're actually too close for comfort. But they're comfortable nonetheless.

"Good morning."

"Good morning, you big dork."

 

* * *

 

They eat breakfast together. Like normal, civilized human beings. They go more than fifteen minutes without being unable to keep their hands to themselves.

However, they don't speak about the inevitable. Despite that, it's not looming. Even if it is a tad urgent, Peridot doesn't feel the strain, words begging to spill out. They need a plan. And they don't have all the time in the world, as they once felt they did. Knowing all too well, that if they stay, only bad things could come of it. It's best not to jinx it though, and a more paranoid part of Peridot waits until Lapis isn't looking until, then she knocks twice quietly on the first wooden surface she sees. Good luck.

It's not exactly something they can go around telling everyone. Anyone, even. Well, bosses are an exception. Anybody she owes money too, an exception, though thankfully that's not a large number of people. And Peridot doesn't exactly offer up an explanation as she steps quietly in, hands them money, and leaves. They won't really know.

Like "Hey, I'm leaving. So if you ever decide you want to pin something on me, you know where I won't be, and have fun tracking me down and killing all my loved ones to get information."

She prefers to avoid that.

It's a lot to clean up though. Anything in her apartment she can think to dispose of. Emails, text, technological history to delete, and as soon as Peridot reenters her apartment from another trip to the grocery store- she did stop at home prior and pick Lapis up, too afraid to leave her alone for too long- she gets to work. Whining pitifully because Lapis is _definitely_ trying to start something because hands are on her as soon as all the food is put away.  
Beckoning her down for a kiss and Peridot can't help but comply. Who could deny Lazuli of anything she wanted? Fingers mussing up her blonde hair as they grip as they please, and Peridot's own hands come to rest on the other girl's hips. But it can't last and she has to cut it short as they begin stepping back to the bed and she bites back a frown, pulling away.

"Gotta work. There's-" Childish, almost hurt expression settles on Lapis' face, and Peridot knows her companion understands, and that she wants attention. But it still is painful to look at so the taller of the two leans back down to blot out the sadness displayed there with another kiss that doesn't last nearly as long as either would like.  
"There's a lot I have to do, if this is gonna go right." As she begins to break away once more, Lapis holds her there for a moment, foreheads pressed together, so they end up breathing the same air, speaking hushed and careful and calculated.

"What's gonna go right?"

A pause.

"Keeping you safe."

"What'dya mean?"

"Need to... get out of here. S'... not good for us. Like. I don't want to have to worry about what might happen tomorrow. If something happens." Steeling herself to pull away, Peridot indulges once more, then does so, toward her computer. Normally Lapis would come first. And in a way, she is. Setting up so they can be secure. To. Move. The idea is strangely domestic and Peridot finds herself strangely drawn to the idea.

An apartment? Like. With a rent, and- getting a job? Cleaning. Cooking. Shopping. Obligations. Responsibility. Growing up was never appealing. This is though, so it must not be growing up.

She's giving Lapis what she needs. Not what she immediately wants.

"So, we're really gonna leave?"

"Yeah. S' a good thing though."

"What about Jasper? N'... Amber, and everybody else? You're just going to-"

"I would much rather be with you."

And something about that instills a silence in Lapis, and she falls quiet, staring up at the other- at her girlfriend (?) with a neutral expression. But if she thinks a reason to argue, she doesn't vocalize it, and simply nods. But Peridot would rather a smile. Coaxes one out, peppering kisses against Lapis' neck, mumbling dorky affections.  
"I'm all yours in two hours. How's that sound?"

"S' good."

 

* * *

 

Alternate between tidying up her life, humoring Lapis in their little escapades, tidy up her life, humoring Lapis. Still though, there's an order, waking up, eating, completing chores and errands, though the good portion of Peridot's day goes to planning. Their life. The rest of their life- because it'll be so worth it and she's so aware.

The better part of a month dedicated to working, not just tying to pull life together by the stings it hangs from, but working. Making money since, they'll need it. Most likely their biggest struggle.

The final details are much more enjoyable, both would argue. And even though that leaves less time to get into one anothers pants, Lapis finds she doesn't mind, because it's the start of a life she never really had. Kidnapped at eighteen. What a story to tell. Better that she prefers to cease contact with her family anyway. If they can swear that off, it'll be safer, besides, it's been a year. In the past, and while it seems despite their neglect, she would feel some attachment. No.  
Peridot proves to be more than plenty.

Crowd around the computer, scrolling though pages and pages of places to rent, though Peridot doubts they'll give her a lease without a full time job. So, school? College? There are too many factors that she doesn't want to be concerned with, but sadly has to be.  
Though it's not really imperative that I tell you. How they make their money, just know it's legal and not damaging in any way. To know if either goes to college. What job? Where they move to and how much their rent is. Not imperative because I _could_ tell you financial struggles burden the worst and best of people, there is always something they must overcome.

Their past is left behind, unspoken of in a mutual agreement to let bad things stay there. In the old apartment. In what happened, won't happen again. And as she steps into their new apartment- Peridot goes first because surprise, Lapis fell asleep on the way there- she takes a deep breath.

Dusty and clean at all once, and she sets the suitcase down, pushes it off to the side with her foot, and closes her eyes. And it's almost like 'Peridot' wasn't a nickname given to her to protect her identity. Like she'd never even once possessed an illegal substance, never knew anybody by the name of Emerald or Amber.

Exhales. Opens her eyes. No. It did happen. Made her who she was. Them who they were- turned out to be.

* * *

 

Humor me when I say they did it. Somehow.  
  
Still have problems. Lapis hallucinates but it wouldn't be any fun to hear the number of how many times she wakes up in a cold sweat. And it would hurt even more to know the number of times Peridot was already awake, too scared to sleep, in fear of what might happen otherwise.

That'd be cruel.

I could tell you the date when Peridot goes out and gets a tattoo that covers the a better potion of the scar on her leg. I could tell you what it said- whose name it was. I could tell you what shade of blue Lapis dyes her hair next. If they got married.

Or simply how in the hell they managed.

Perhaps you'd like to know what happens next.

And technically this story is about how Lapis is worth more to Peridot than anything. Through it all. Watching them suffer, along with anyone who was tempted to follow. It could go on forever, theoretically. As long as they continue to love eachother.

I could tell you they do.

However, the story is ending. Technically, that should mean Peridot stops loving her. If I were to insinuate that though, I'd be a filthy liar.

 

But what would be the fun in that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> March 17th, exactly a year after she met Lapis  
> it said Lapis Lazuli  
> the color is sky blue.  
> they do. with a little convincing. because whats a slip of paper and some tax benefits say about love? apparently enough.
> 
> its unclear how they manage
> 
> they never stop loving each other


End file.
